Anonymous wrote:A friend who recently completed a painful divorce says that her dad keeps asking her how the divorce proceeding is going. So she has to relive it over and over. Any advice is appreciated.

“Dad, it’s done. TY for being such a support to me. You’re the best. So how about X (fill in sports team, favorite hobby, or politics).”

Anonymous wrote:Savor the fact they are pleasant, not agitated. I could visit my dad often because of that. As others mentioned (and I think I posted) favorite photos, cardgames from childhood, music, etc helps a lot. Spending time outside in nature helps. Yes, keep it short and sweet.

It is a different thing if they are abusive. If she ever becomes abusive and they cannot medicate that away, my advice is very different. We did a lot of damage continuing to visit so much and it did damage to our kids they are still processing. Had to work with a therapist to totally regroup and protect our family. Hope that never happens to you OP and I don't wish it on anyone.

Sorry...to be clear...dad had pleasant dementia. Mom developed abusive dementia.

Savor the fact they are pleasant, not agitated. I could visit my dad often because of that. As others mentioned (and I think I posted) favorite photos, cardgames from childhood, music, etc helps a lot. Spending time outside in nature helps. Yes, keep it short and sweet.

It is a different thing if they are abusive. If she ever becomes abusive and they cannot medicate that away, my advice is very different. We did a lot of damage continuing to visit so much and it did damage to our kids they are still processing. Had to work with a therapist to totally regroup and protect our family. Hope that never happens to you OP and I don't wish it on anyone.

A friend who recently completed a painful divorce says that her dad keeps asking her how the divorce proceeding is going. So she has to relive it over and over. Any advice is appreciated.

Anonymous wrote:Defintiely don't correct the person with dementia.
We met an elder care specialtist on flight that said, do not correct them. My husbands brother always corrects his mother and it makes us so mad. He constantly is on her.
We just go along with it “ have you seen Adrian”—- “ no mom but if we do we’ll tell him you’re looking for him” - sometimes we may say “Adrian isn’t here today”- that’s her late husband.
If she complains/ we lean in and just acknowledge-“ I’m sorry your knee hurts/ want to go outside to feed the birds”— we distract from the negative moments when needed and go along with their reality. 5 minutes later, she doesn’t remember so if you corrected her that her husband passed, it would maybe make her sad a minute- but wouldn’t correct her thinking - she’d be back asking about him next day.
Try to join in their reality or lack there of and be more happy upbeat and positive. Follow their thoughts. I feel like it’s easy to make her in that second think adrian is just not visable.

So agree with this, yet our mom did throw us - and the staff - a curveball. She would occasionally ask "Has Dave been by yet?" Dave was our dad/her husband who predeceased her by a few years. Usually we could redirect, etc with no issues. But on a couple of occasions, she would get a little agitated and ask, "Tell me the truth - is he stepping out on me?" So this was so not like our mom or our dad, so it was hard not laugh, but we were able to refrain from doing so, then chat and chuckle about it later.

But yes, we would usually take the comment to redirect or sometimes follow the tangent and ask, for example, "when did you first meet X?" and go with it.

Defintiely don't correct the person with dementia.
We met an elder care specialtist on flight that said, do not correct them. My husbands brother always corrects his mother and it makes us so mad. He constantly is on her.
We just go along with it “ have you seen Adrian”—- “ no mom but if we do we’ll tell him you’re looking for him” - sometimes we may say “Adrian isn’t here today”- that’s her late husband.
If she complains/ we lean in and just acknowledge-“ I’m sorry your knee hurts/ want to go outside to feed the birds”— we distract from the negative moments when needed and go along with their reality. 5 minutes later, she doesn’t remember so if you corrected her that her husband passed, it would maybe make her sad a minute- but wouldn’t correct her thinking - she’d be back asking about him next day.
Try to join in their reality or lack there of and be more happy upbeat and positive. Follow their thoughts. I feel like it’s easy to make her in that second think adrian is just not visable.

Anonymous wrote:It is good for family to visit because when you care, the staff cares.

Short visits more frequently are better than infrequent long visits and probably will be easier on you! Just 15-30 minutes. Come during meals and chat. Or bring a special treat/snack.

Agree. We went for short visits. When with DH and kids, we would go before or after a meal. DH and DS would take books and read while DD and I would bring ~200 piece puzzles to do with my mom. She really couldn't do them, but she loved fingering a piece and chatting with us, even if she usually thought she was with her sisters. DD would usually largely complete the puzzle, then stealthily push one or two pieces in front of her to complete. A few times when I took the kids, there would be the balloon activity when an activity coordinator blows up a few balloons and the residents bop them back and forth to each other. Then my kids would join in and play with my mom.

When I was going alone, then I would go around a meal time, sit with her, and chat. Then we might pull out a puzzle or I would read to her from the local paper.

It is good for family to visit because when you care, the staff cares.

Short visits more frequently are better than infrequent long visits and probably will be easier on you! Just 15-30 minutes. Come during meals and chat. Or bring a special treat/snack.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imho the only reason to visit is to show caregivers that they are being supervised and can’t slack off. This is especially true for facilities; less so for home based care. And probably not relevant if the caregiver is someone you trust like another family member.
I would go very rarely and not feel bad about it. Appreciation of visits is most likely just in the caregivers’ imagination.

I wonder how much this is true?

You are assuming the disease process is the same progression and same stage for everyone. Some people it is flashes of cognition, some people it is a few hours at a time, or a good / bad day.

The good feelings stay even after you leave, even though your loved one may not recall exactly why, they will feel safe and cared for. That matters.

- work in the assisted living / nursing home biz

I am the first PP. I used to work as a hired visitor for a person with dementia. I would hire someone for my own relative too - just to visit and give them the feel good feelings. But too much pain for someone who is related to them

This is op, thank you for all this advice.

Join a support group before you go. Almost all these places have them. Grieve in the support group before and after you visit. If you visit more you will get used to it and it will get easier. But it's never fun.

I find visits are nicer when I bring a gift. The gift can be anything. Sometimes it is their things like "new" clothes or stuffed animals/costume jewelry, etc. Make sure it is something you don't have any attachment to because other residents can walk away with items.

Sometimes the visit might be chatting with another resident and I find that's nice too because often some never get visitors.

All I can say it is do it, even if its hard. My father had dementia, and was in a memory unit at an assisted living facility the last 15 months of his life. It was harder I think for the family to accept that Dad was going to spend his final days in the facility than it was for my Dad. But I am so glad I made the effort and visited him as much as I could before he passed, even though I am so thankful too that I never to have to go back to that place again. Dad rarely knew who I was, but I would talk to him and he would sometimes talk gibberish back to me. And sometimes he would make sense. Other times I would show him pictures of his grandkids, or play him music, and he would sit and look or listen. Leaving was always hard, and I usually had to sit in my car and compose myself before driving home, and sometimes I would drive the 2 hours home crying the whole time. Its hard to even write this now without tearing up thinking back to it all, but I'm glad I had those moments to say what I wanted to say and to slowly let go, so even if Dad didn't know who I was, he could feel he was cared for and loved and wasn't alone.

My late mom had dementia. Visits were hard but leaving was harder. I brought lots of arts, crafts, coloring and board games she could do with my kids. She sometimes enjoyed pictures but sometimes they made her cry. We would often eat lunch together or I'd bring her special snacks. Going for walks or just being outside was a good distraction. I used the time to share my favorite memories with her and tell her how grateful I was that she was my mom. I wasn't able to be by her side in the end, but I knew that over the years, there was nothing left unsaid between us. it was truly a long goodbye. Leaving was often brutal and so I'd leave when someone else was there to distract her and I'd tell her I was going to be back later. This disease is heartbreaking, I'm sorry.