Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

Crap, mine are in 3rd and 4th and this is what I was afraid of. I'm trying to get back but between sick days, student events, activities, cooking, cleaning, etc...it will be a miracle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

The majority of moms at your school likely work. You pick a handful of days and have childcare for the breaks. What you described isn’t a reason to not have a job. If you simply don’t want to work, then fine. But if you want to work and you’re truly not working because of pastries for parents then you’re doing it all wrong! Just get a job and stop having anxiety about all of the reasons you can’t work. Take it a day at a time and it will fall into place.

NP - agreed. You don’t have to attend every school event for your child to feel loved. One benefit of older kids is that you can have coherent conversations with them about these kinds of trade-offs. “I would love to be there for pastries with parents, Larlo, but I can’t this time. I’ll be chaperoning your field trip in two weeks, though, and I’m so excited to be with you!”

Tweens/teens absolutely need their parents, just in different ways than when they were infants/toddlers. That requires a lot more emotional and logistical flexibility than when kids are very young, generally, and things are in some ways more predictable. And some parents really struggle with that, especially if they tend towards perfectionism (as many professionally ambitious people do).

I’m moderately ambitious and took the perspective that parenting and careers are both long, ideally. I tried hard not to burn myself out in either early on and have become skilled at setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. I’m comfortable saying no to my kids about some things they want, in part because I’m also confident I can help them learn to tolerate disappointment and because I know they’ll have plenty of quality time with me in other ways. I don’t have to do *everything* to be a supportive parent, even to older kids.

I’m the pp. I had a kid in elementary, preschool and a baby plus a husband with a demanding job. I also had a lot of help - daycare, nanny, housekeeper. I felt I was outsourcing out my entire life. Those few hours in the evening did not feel enough. I had zero time to myself and stressed out all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

The majority of moms at your school likely work. You pick a handful of days and have childcare for the breaks. What you described isn’t a reason to not have a job. If you simply don’t want to work, then fine. But if you want to work and you’re truly not working because of pastries for parents then you’re doing it all wrong! Just get a job and stop having anxiety about all of the reasons you can’t work. Take it a day at a time and it will fall into place.

NP - agreed. You don’t have to attend every school event for your child to feel loved. One benefit of older kids is that you can have coherent conversations with them about these kinds of trade-offs. “I would love to be there for pastries with parents, Larlo, but I can’t this time. I’ll be chaperoning your field trip in two weeks, though, and I’m so excited to be with you!”

Tweens/teens absolutely need their parents, just in different ways than when they were infants/toddlers. That requires a lot more emotional and logistical flexibility than when kids are very young, generally, and things are in some ways more predictable. And some parents really struggle with that, especially if they tend towards perfectionism (as many professionally ambitious people do).

I’m moderately ambitious and took the perspective that parenting and careers are both long, ideally. I tried hard not to burn myself out in either early on and have become skilled at setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. I’m comfortable saying no to my kids about some things they want, in part because I’m also confident I can help them learn to tolerate disappointment and because I know they’ll have plenty of quality time with me in other ways. I don’t have to do *everything* to be a supportive parent, even to older kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

The majority of moms at your school likely work. You pick a handful of days and have childcare for the breaks. What you described isn’t a reason to not have a job. If you simply don’t want to work, then fine. But if you want to work and you’re truly not working because of pastries for parents then you’re doing it all wrong! Just get a job and stop having anxiety about all of the reasons you can’t work. Take it a day at a time and it will fall into place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

Anonymous wrote:I took the approach that careers are long. I mommy tracked when kids were little, but dug in hard when an opportunity arose when they were late elementary. Even when mommy-tracked though, I was strategic. I showed up for in person events as much as possible (I WFH most of the time), developed mentors, and did high quality work - but on a reduced schedule in a relatively low stress position that allowed me to be fully present mornings and evenings. I was a little frustrated with feeling stalled in my career, but loved being so present with the kids and my sane home life.

I dialed it up when the right opportunity arose and became a VP at 42. Family life is harder now and my kids have a worse version of myself (I’m really stressed out). As others have said, I wake up early, take calls from the dentist and sidelines at baseball, and rely heavily on DH who makes it all possible. We eat dinner together nearly every night (though now it’s late after sports and work events and not always home cooked), i have “hobbies” I share with both of them (a sport with one, books/shows the other and I both enjoy), and my job is flexible so I try as much as possible to be physically present when I can. It helps too that they are ‘easy’ kids and i mostly just need to be there for them, not deal with challenges or challenging emotions. I don’t know if I could continue effectively at work or home if that wasn’t the case. As it is, I’m looking for a path to pull back a little for the next 5 years (both in college) that keeps me in the rat race but keeps my job from consuming my life because while I’m ambitious, childhood is short, I love being a mom, and want more time/less stress. Whether I do that or not, I think my kids will be fine, but if I can, my life will be much happier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.

I thought I was in the home stretch when my oldest started kindergarten. I was not prepared for all the times we were asked to come to the school. Of course you can skip but then your kid will be the handful of kids whose parents don’t come to pastries for parents, thanksgiving lunch on a random day in November, Halloween, field trip to Cox farms, Halloween, meeting during the middle of the day to actually plan the Halloween party, pta meeting also late morning, book fair, fun fridays, etc. then there were the 10+ 2 hour delays and the 10+ snow days. Add on sick days, doc appointments, teacher work days, random holidays I never knew existed, spring break, winter break. It made it very difficult.

My third child just started kindergarten and my oldest is in middle school. I thought I could finally go back to work but they seem to need me more, not less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

I went back to work PT during elementary. Still did the drop offs and pickups in afternoon. By middle school the kids don't really think they need me so I gave them 1 hour at home by themselves before I came home from work at 5pm. Now in high school I can put in full days at the office. This worked out pretty OK for me.
Sometimes I do wonder if I didn't SAHM during their toddler years maybe one of them would be captain of the debate team instead of a lightweight on the girls wrestling team.

Anonymous wrote:[

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I worked 6am-3:30, was with my kids 4-9, worked 9-11.

My H went to work at 9 so as a baby my kids were napping 9-10 and 1-3 so they were with someone else 10-1 and 3-4 … that’s 4 hours a day.

When they were not babies they are in preschool 9/10-1, nap 1-2, so we only missed 2-4 with them.

Then they were in school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in elementary school, and my answer is no. I actually felt better when they were little and in daycare—I was able to drop them off for a big chunk of time and work. I am actually considering taking a step back, which feels counterintuitive given I have done what’s logically the hard part (working fulltime while having babies/toddlers, working fulltime throughout online schooling). But I do feel like they need me more than ever.

I actually think this is one thing people underestimate. I think late elementary and middle school are when our kids need our time the most. But it is hard to see that when they are little. I feel like I lucked out. I outsourced a TON when they were little. But upper elementary, I’ve made it to the top. I can now delegate, etc. in a way that lets me spend a ton of time with my fifth grader, etc.

Years ago, a friend of mine with older kids said “I think I need to become a SAHM now that they are in middle school.” At the time, I didn’t get it at all. Now, I get it.