Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

Yes, of course. ??

I am like this, and to some extent my husband is too. I hate making phone calls, even stupid easy ones. He will never file FSA claims or travel claims. We try to swap tasks when we can or help the other person complete the task. Sometimes it’s easier to do someone else’s obstacle. Or we each pick a task we’re dreading and do them at the same time.

Anonymous wrote:OP Jessica McCabe talked about this on her YouTube channel. Maybe it would be helpful for you and your DW.

Why Is It So Hard to Do Something That Should Be Easy? (Brendan Mahan's Wall of Awful pt. 1)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg

How to Do Something That Should Be Easy (But...Is...Not) (Brendan Mahan's Wall of Awful pt. 2)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlObsAeFNVk

PP back to say, Jessica McCabe has ADHD and she is speaking to people with ADHD. Her videos are grounded in solid brain research, unlike some of the comments on this thread.

She sounds a little helpless with poor executive function and you sound very controlling and you seem to think you can/should change her. This is not a match made in heaven.

Anonymous wrote:Has it occurred to anybody that she doesn’t have to do this if she doesn’t feel an urgency? Why is this any of OP’s business to make her do this? Her bonds, her timeline. I wouldn’t do it on my husband’s insistence either. Leave her alone.

The bonds were just an example. She’s like this about other things.

Has it occurred to anybody that she doesn’t have to do this if she doesn’t feel an urgency? Why is this any of OP’s business to make her do this? Her bonds, her timeline. I wouldn’t do it on my husband’s insistence either. Leave her alone.

Whiteboard or postIts. When she says she’ll do something, write it on a postit and stick it on a wall or a window where it will be in her view daily. If she protests tell her you’d rather do this then remind or argue later. When postit is gone task is done. No need to inquire.

Tbh I do this for myself. Tech solutions may work for some, but I need actual physical thing to get me motivated. Taking down a bright piece of paper, or crossing out an item on to do list is rewarding and motivating to keep on other tasks.

OP Jessica McCabe talked about this on her YouTube channel. Maybe it would be helpful for you and your DW.

Why Is It So Hard to Do Something That Should Be Easy? (Brendan Mahan's Wall of Awful pt. 1)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg

How to Do Something That Should Be Easy (But...Is...Not) (Brendan Mahan's Wall of Awful pt. 2)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlObsAeFNVk

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

This doesn’t necessarily sound like ADHD. You’ve already described the dynamics she grew up in, and it seems more like fear of failing, and wanting others to take control, so as not to get blamed if things don’t go well or ‘perfectly’.

Micromanaging her will only make the push-pull dynamic worse. Try to find healthy outlets when you’re frustrated, and once you begin doing that more consistently, she may find the space to stop blaming you (as a ‘parental’ stand-in), too. Make yourself happy, be kind, and often, the other partner ups their game as well.

Also, “Sounds great!” when she makes a suggestion and “I’m sorry, Honey, I can’t” when she asks you to accomplish something she can do for herself would work fine for most of these situations. How she chooses to actually follow up is on her, which, again, frees you up to live your life more fully.

If things feel really entrenched, individual therapy can be helpful in getting to the core of old patterns.

And kudos to you both for starting to work through this stuff in your early 30s!

I posted earlier upthread but if I ever found out my spouse called me lazy I would be beyond hurt. Think about your language, OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. I didn’t mean OP’s wife absolutely has ADHD; I meant that ADHD would absolutely be suggested as a cause for this behavior even if we were talking about a husband instead of a wife.

Do you have any children? If you don’t yet, but plan to, now is the time for you to have a gentle but firm conversation with your wife about how you will both handle the logistics of running your household. I’m really good at some things, but terrible at getting rid of junk mail, so for example, in our household, dh goes through the mail and determines what should be kept. I’d save a million catalogs and coupons if he didn’t pitch them. Approach this as her partner, her teammate. Figure out together which tasks she does well and which ones will be yours. It may be that she can handle regularly occurring tasks, but not one offs. Maybe she habitually misses deadlines or maybe she needs the motivation of a deadline.

She needs to find the system that works best for her (post-it notes, a whiteboard, reminders in her phone, a dedicated 15 minute period per week when she accomplishes one task she’s been putting off, a weekly check-in with you, being given just one task at a time and a deadline for completing it, a competition to see who can accomplish the most chores on a Saturday, whatever floats her boat). Then you need to find out how you can best support her. Maybe she hates being asked if she’s done a specific task yet. Maybe she’s more likely to do it if you say, “hey, we’re both free on Friday, why don’t you call the bank right now and schedule that notary appointment?” Maybe she has mild social anxiety and just hates talking to strangers on the phone. What would happen if you asked her to come over to the phone and you just called the bank, put the call on speakerphone, and arranged the appointment with her?

My point is that, as spouses, you need to find mutually acceptable ways to get things done.

you don't like her. you're never going to change her, so you're never going to like her, so you're never going to be happy with her.

just cut your losses now.

Fair Play is great for this type of stuff. Division of work. And then checklists. There are so many family checklists on paper and electronically out there you can use to keep track of stuff and add due dates and notifications and connect to your calendar.

I am good at my job and manage a lot, but these one-off things are hard to fit into the day. I totally get it. You may also be better at money issues than her. That's why something like fair play which divides tasks into categories and then one person handles them all is great for married couples.