Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:29
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
Great for you, but this is why some people choose not to have 3 kids.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:23
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?
DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.
My experience is that rigidity/firm boundaries is a result of always being the one who is flexible and giving grace without receiving the same in turn. I don’t know about OP, but I had to insist that my DH pick the day he was going to do mornings with the kids because when it was just, well, we’ll figure it out and things should work out approximately evenly, things were very uneven. If I said, I woke up early Sat and Sun for the last 5 weeks, I was accused of bean-counting. I don’t even think he was doing it on purpose, he just vastly overestimated what he was doing compared to what I was doing. So it had to be a schedule so everyone had the same expectations. And, like OP, deviating from the schedule is fine, so long as it’s arranged and asked for, not an assumption that I was available anytime he was tired or wanted to do something else.
Op here. YES. I feel so seen. I actually suggested the sat schedule after looking up day and realizing I was the only one getting up with dd every weekend morning as he snored sound asleep.
And yes, when I point out things that are grossly unfair or not equitable in terms of domestic labor- he says I’m tit for tat.
I’m so tired of it. ALMOST EVERYTHING is easier when he’s not around, frankly.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:21
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
He knew what the deal was. I would respond that he should not have put you on the spot like that in front of her. He set you up to either hold you ground and look bad, or cave to his wishes.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:20
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?
DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.
Op here. I’m rigid about my time bc if I’m not, he will walk all over it.I generally physically leave for the am so I can BREATHE and have time for me.
If I’m in the garage doing a workout on a sat am, do you know how many times dh has walked in to ask things like “do we have food for lunch, where is dd’s this, where is her that, do you know where this is”
Flexibility and grace can’t only go to his benefit.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:17
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:But it sounds like he took dd over to his mom's house and i bet you his mom entertained dd all morning.
I’d be willing to bet that’s EXACTLY what happened.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:16
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.
+1
Where is the love as a family unit? They are functioning as if she's a chore. I am all for self care and personal time, but no need to be so rigid.
Because it IS a chore. Young kids aren’t always easy and it’s not 100% unicorn farts and rainbows. It’s hard work.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:16
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?
DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.
My experience is that rigidity/firm boundaries is a result of always being the one who is flexible and giving grace without receiving the same in turn. I don’t know about OP, but I had to insist that my DH pick the day he was going to do mornings with the kids because when it was just, well, we’ll figure it out and things should work out approximately evenly, things were very uneven. If I said, I woke up early Sat and Sun for the last 5 weeks, I was accused of bean-counting. I don’t even think he was doing it on purpose, he just vastly overestimated what he was doing compared to what I was doing. So it had to be a schedule so everyone had the same expectations. And, like OP, deviating from the schedule is fine, so long as it’s arranged and asked for, not an assumption that I was available anytime he was tired or wanted to do something else.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:15
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Don’t have more kids.
alternatively, you could have said, ok if you are really tired I will do lunch and nap and the you ca do dinner and bedtime. Does that sound good and would you rather do lunch and nap as planned?
Quick thinking! I agree no more kids. My DH was the same way and I stopped at one.
Op here and he wonders why I’m not enthusiastic about a second.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:15
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?
DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.
He does disrespect my time, generally.
It’s an overall vibe attitude that when he’s solo with dd he is doing something special or like it’s a favor to me that I get solo tune.
Unless I specifically ask, he will not give a bath, cut her nails, do dishes, vacuum something he or dd spills, etc.
If I don’t speak up he just exists, with no regard to his wake.
Expecting assuming that I will clean it up, handle it, register for this, buy the gift for that, etc
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:13
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
But it sounds like he took dd over to his mom's house and i bet you his mom entertained dd all morning.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:12
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.
If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.
Sounds like you both have built up a huge amount of resentment. This is not about him needing a nap and you refusing to help him.
That being said, in a healthy relationship he would have given you a heads up "DW, I'm beat and mentally exhausted, do you mind putting Larla down this time?" and you helping out your partner and hoping he'd do the same in a similar situation would say "Sure, np. I still need to do XYZ so when you're feeling better can you tag back in for a bit?"
Op here. 10000% if he had said hey I’m super tired do you mind handling lunch and nap- I would’ve said yes.
It’s the assumption. The expectation.
Ok that is more reasonable (I see now you were venting in the OP). If you care to repair the relationship, I would go to him and explain this once you are both calmed.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:11
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Don’t have more kids.
alternatively, you could have said, ok if you are really tired I will do lunch and nap and the you ca do dinner and bedtime. Does that sound good and would you rather do lunch and nap as planned?
That’s a great idea, wish I would’ve thought of it on the spot.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:11
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Right on, OP. I think what you both agreed on is great. However, I'm not sure you're both on the same wavelength and maybe a little marriage counseling is in order before this becomes just the tip of the iceberg.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:10
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.
If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.
Sounds like you both have built up a huge amount of resentment. This is not about him needing a nap and you refusing to help him.
That being said, in a healthy relationship he would have given you a heads up "DW, I'm beat and mentally exhausted, do you mind putting Larla down this time?" and you helping out your partner and hoping he'd do the same in a similar situation would say "Sure, np. I still need to do XYZ so when you're feeling better can you tag back in for a bit?"
Op here. 10000% if he had said hey I’m super tired do you mind handling lunch and nap- I would’ve said yes.
It’s the assumption. The expectation.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 15:07
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Don’t have more kids.
alternatively, you could have said, ok if you are really tired I will do lunch and nap and the you ca do dinner and bedtime. Does that sound good and would you rather do lunch and nap as planned?
Quick thinking! I agree no more kids. My DH was the same way and I stopped at one.