Some of this might be that the academic work ramps up in high school. Has he always been the kind of student where good grades came easily? He needs to learn to study. In the classes where he isn’t doing well, have you contacted the teacher? Are test grades the problem or he is not handing in all his homework? Basically, get involved mom and dad. Being critical after the fact isn’t helping.

^^ stuff=schoolwork. Not his belongings

I would dig a little deeper into what's happening in his classes. In some other thread, I think about a 6th grader being unmotivated in school, there was agreement that with lots of teachers burned out, there is lots more technology in class, and some of the learning is pretty impersonal. Even good teachers are sitting back and letting the apps do the work. There may be a lot of textbook work in 9th grade "to prepare you for the demands of junior or senior year"--as if freshman year doesn't even matter in and of itself. Or maybe math and science have gotten less hands-on and it's just doing problems and writing answers all day long.

You might ask him if you can look through his stuff together and get his take on it. If there's something he's into, maybe you want to watch a docu-series together or listen to a podcast series in the car together if that isn't too cringey (my kids are younger--what do I know?) Most kids are genuinely curious about something and will want to talk about the thing. It could be that he's not into school right now because his classes are legit boring or he has boring teachers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 15 year old boyis a 9th grader at a public school and simply does not care about his grades. He cares about sports and friends, but considers school work just an inconvenience. He has decent grades (a few As, lots of Bs, and a C+) but could have consistent A's if he put in a decent amount of serious effort. When my DH and I try to talk to him he just blows us off and refuses to discuss. His friends are nice kids, but do not take school work seriously and are a bad influence in this respect. We arranged a tutor for the subject where he is getting a C+ but he refused to go. We have tried giving consequences (loss of cell phone, grounding) but then he retaliates by putting in even less effort. We have considered pulling him out of sports, but that is the biggest positive in his life, and if we take that away, we worry that he would turn to kids who are a bad influence in terms of drugs/alcohol, which (so far) he has stayed away from. We feel like hostages because we care about his grades but he does not. What to do???

Let him retaliate. Who's in charge here? You take the phone and he doesn't go out with his friends. He can stay home and stare at the walls if he wants.

No, especially for the child whose parents are concerned about keeping him alive. If the underlying issue is lack of motivation, a tutor won’t help. If the reason for a lack of motivation is emotional, isolation will make things worse. If the emotional issues are depression or anxiety, isolation will increase his struggle and risk of suicide. Most people who start therapy do so years after they should have, when it’s an emergency and often too late. Part of the reason I know this is because of a sibling was punished, who then attempted suicide.

Sit and talk to your kid in a non-judgemental way. Ask about his future. Does he have desires? Fears? Is he watching other kids do well wondering what will happen to him? What excites him? There are plenty of jobs that could be appealing to him like video game programmer or sports management or physical therapy. Use that to see if he can do better in relevant subjects. If he has challenges getting over negative projections, like he thinks robots will take over all jobs, he might be showing signs of early depression. If he expresses a large number of fears especially around his own abilities it might be early anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sports, friends and chicks

Sounds like a healthy boy

Lay off on being too hard on grades

GPT style AI is gonna take out a lot of jobs so it’s not worth stressing over grades and instead it is very important to make sure he’s eating right, staying in shape and slaying it socially.

Those skills are what’s gonna have the most returns in the future.

There is just so much wrong with this.

Why?

You have no idea what jobs are gonna be like in 10 - 15 years

Otoh, what will be in short supply is well adjusted socially skilled physically aesthetic people in the “meatspace”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most boys brains at this age are working overtime growing and figuring out who they are and their place in the world. It is almost biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school the way it is needed for them to meet the expectations put in them. They cannot think long term. I have had to do lots of handholding in the 9th and 10th grade years. They figure it out by 11th.

Mom of 3 boys.

Oh please. Biologically impossible to focus on school?
Also Mom of 3 boys

Since boys mature later than girls, and since they have a higher rate of ADHD, and since PP said "biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school" I'm going with the research backs up PP's statement.

Impossible is FAR too absolute of a statement to be scientifically accurate. You can say it might be more challenging but you can't definitively say it's "biologically impossible." I'm quite sure the research doesn't say that.

Granted. But you were pedantic and dismissive. PP has a point to make, albeit exaggerated.

Anonymous wrote:Sports, friends and chicks

Sounds like a healthy boy

Lay off on being too hard on grades

GPT style AI is gonna take out a lot of jobs so it’s not worth stressing over grades and instead it is very important to make sure he’s eating right, staying in shape and slaying it socially.

Those skills are what’s gonna have the most returns in the future.

There is just so much wrong with this.

Sports, friends and chicks

Sounds like a healthy boy

Lay off on being too hard on grades

GPT style AI is gonna take out a lot of jobs so it’s not worth stressing over grades and instead it is very important to make sure he’s eating right, staying in shape and slaying it socially.

Those skills are what’s gonna have the most returns in the future.

Anonymous wrote:OP, most freshmen are 13/14, not 15. Was your son held back? Does he hate school maybe because he's the oldest kid in his class?

The typical freshman turns 15 during the school year (or summer after for the youngest).

Anonymous wrote:OP, most freshmen are 13/14, not 15. Was your son held back? Does he hate school maybe because he's the oldest kid in his class?

Huh? My 7th grader is 13. He will be 15 in 9th for a good part of the school year, as are many kids. They are 14/15 in 9th.

OP, most freshmen are 13/14, not 15. Was your son held back? Does he hate school maybe because he's the oldest kid in his class?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most boys brains at this age are working overtime growing and figuring out who they are and their place in the world. It is almost biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school the way it is needed for them to meet the expectations put in them. They cannot think long term. I have had to do lots of handholding in the 9th and 10th grade years. They figure it out by 11th.

Mom of 3 boys.

Oh please. Biologically impossible to focus on school?

Also Mom of 3 boys

Since boys mature later than girls, and since they have a higher rate of ADHD, and since PP said "biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school" I'm going with the research backs up PP's statement.

Impossible is FAR too absolute of a statement to be scientifically accurate. You can say it might be more challenging but you can't definitively say it's "biologically impossible." I'm quite sure the research doesn't say that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot make him care. And I think there are WAY more downsides to pulling him out from sports.

+1. I pushed and took away electronics. We are an extreme case but eventually there was school refusal and mental health issues. I went from worrying about college admissions someday to worrying about keeping him alive.

Now we focus on going to school and hope he passes most of his classes. He constantly says he wants to quit and there’s therapy involved. We discuss how a GED and vocational options be will available when he’s older. We try to encourage him to get out with friends as much as possible and keep up with sports. It’s the healthiest thing in his life.

I’m hoping he matures and sees the value in doing something productive whether it’s school or training. He’s been trying to find a job so it’s a good sign he wants to work.

The boldest is us too, but we never took away any electronics (DC had a friend commit suicide when her parents did this. They took away the electronics but apparently didn’t limit access to a gun and ammunition). Let him deal with natural consequences. There are many routes to a successful life and very few of them rely on academic success, especially as defined by one C+, in 9th grade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most boys brains at this age are working overtime growing and figuring out who they are and their place in the world. It is almost biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school the way it is needed for them to meet the expectations put in them. They cannot think long term. I have had to do lots of handholding in the 9th and 10th grade years. They figure it out by 11th.

Mom of 3 boys.

Oh please. Biologically impossible to focus on school?

Also Mom of 3 boys

Since boys mature later than girls, and since they have a higher rate of ADHD, and since PP said "biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school" I'm going with the research backs up PP's statement.

Anonymous wrote:Most boys brains at this age are working overtime growing and figuring out who they are and their place in the world. It is almost biologically impossible for some of them to focus on school the way it is needed for them to meet the expectations put in them. They cannot think long term. I have had to do lots of handholding in the 9th and 10th grade years. They figure it out by 11th.

Mom of 3 boys.

Oh please. Biologically impossible to focus on school?

Also Mom of 3 boys