OP, my mother is in an independent living facility -- which she absolutely loves -- that is connected to an assisted living facility -- which she is TERRIFIED of having to move to.

So I totally get it.

Mom's place is lovely -- really feels like something you'd see on a TV commercial. Some of the residents have mobility issues or oxygen, but many of them are lively, healthy, energetic people. She has friends, activities, good food.

The assisted living facility is another apartment block next door and while I've never been inside, my mother describes it as "Heaven's waiting room." Most of those residents are in wheelchairs just to avoid fall risk. The activities are fewer and designed for people with limited physical and mental capacity. The staff wear nurse uniforms and there is a lot of medical equipment in view. It's a very very different living experience.

There is also almost no crossover with the independent living facility, even though the place advertises that.

My mom has experienced some health issues that are concerning, but we will explore paying personal caregivers before we move her into AL.

Obviously, there are terribly run facilities.

The one my mom is in does not "kick you to the curb". She will move from independent living, to assisted and to nursing care as needed. It is all on one campus.

She had knee surgery and went to nursing care / rehab and her friends were able to take the shuttle to visit her.

If her money runs out she is not kicked out either.

There is no grand staircase and of course you need to stay in touch to see if your parent is receiving the services they need.

The other option is living on her own, not taking her medication, falling, not eating properly ... constantly ending up in the hospital for dehydration or confusion because her medication is off.

Many try to stay in "walkable" communities and are the victims of pedestrians accidents...old people and teens, almost all pedestrians accidents.

B/c these places are not well regulated. They are also for-profit, so they are very expensive but that does not mean that they are all well run. There is a big range in quality of facility and care in these places, so you need to do your homework before you ever agree to put a loved one into them.

Anonymous wrote:Okay people

There is independent living, assisted living, then a nursing home.

They are all very different.

The issue is that few people appreciate the difference. And that it's assisted living today, today (and forever) starting tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:I mean there is a fair amount of documented abuse in these places.

In assisted living or in nursing homes?

I mean there is a fair amount of documented abuse in these places.

“Assisted living” doesn’t really have a single, uniform definition. It is more like “we have a number of services we can bundle and sell you, and we call it assisted living,” and what’s in any given bundle depends on the vendor.

One glaring issue with probably the vast majority of “assisted living” facilities is that their contracts allow the facility at any time and essentially for any reason to decide they “can no longer meet the resident’s needs” and kick them to the curb.

Assisted living is extremely expensive, the quality of the “assistance” varies from place to place and time to time, and the residents are pretty much at the mercy of the management and staff. A “good” place can go South very quickly.

No matter what a facility does to make itself look like “home” or “an apartment” or something else, it remains a facility. “Socializing with peers” can rapidly become being surrounded by sick old people who have nothing in common besides being sick or old.

Facilities market themselves aggressively. They design the places so they look “fancy.” My favorite element is the grand staircase in the foyer, as if any of the residents will be using it. Another is “restaurant style” dining where the food comes from a steam table.

If you really wonder why people resist become wards in an assisted living facility, spend some time around one. You’ll quickly see past the marketing hype to the reality. Not every place is bad, but the marketing isn’t the reality.

Assisted living does not equal nursing home. The place I’m looking at for my mom is basically the same as her independent living place but with nurses on staff, medication administration and a higher staff to resident ratio. The residents can still come and go (they ask them to let the desk know but so does her current place), they offer daily activities, they take field trips to stores and they’ll provide transport to the doctor. Some assisted living places are very similar to independent living but with some extra help. It’s not a death sentence. And no one gets drugged there (well maybe memory care people do?).

Because it's the beginning of the end.

If I had a medical condition that required assisted living for one year, and then I expected to fully recover and come back home, assisted living would be like an amazing trip to a relaxing resort.

It's the knowledge that you don't come out of it. You just progress to the "next level of care."

Read "On Being Mortal" and perhaps you will understand your mom's concerns. Assisted Living places have turned institutional, when they were originally designed to be more communal.

Anonymous wrote:Buy her another condo and hire her staff, don’t put her in a place like that.

Have you ever tried doing around the clock home care? Even with all the money in the world, the quality and accountability and flakiness is an even bigger problem with agencies and they are alone with your loved one.

Also sometimes a single staff person is physically incapable of doing many of the tasks like moving someone.

Also there are some situations where a persons mental health in particular declines so much it isn’t safe to have them at home even with help.

A good facility is really good and a bad facility is really bad. Unless you have gobs of money it is hard to know what you'll get or to change if needed.

Also I think a lot of people assume they'll be independent and then die quickly, like in a movie. Culturally we hide a lot about aging and death and how long you can need help.

Anonymous wrote:Buy her another condo and hire her staff, don’t put her in a place like that.

Because this is a very dangerous situation.

BTW she is in a condo right now.

Okay people

There is independent living, assisted living, then a nursing home.

They are all very different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.

Assisted living is not a nursing home and it is not a "hospital".

Not sure about the "visit" comment but going to assisted living doesn't make people visit less.

It's like living in a hotel. You get your room cleaned, meals cooked for you, some activities.

Where they medicate you against your will and can come into your room at any time.

That is a nursing home, not assisted living.