I remember really wanting to be a boy when I was around that age. I had an older brother and his life just seemed so much better than what was expected of me as a daughter/girl. For a while, I dressed boyish, avoided anything feminine, and was really angry about the injustice. I never had a romantic relationship with another girl but people looking at me probably suspected I was gay. Then, I went to college and fell in love with my husband.


Don’t jump to conclusions but be supportive if DC shares with you. I think in today’s society a lot of girls see how women are viewed in politics and society and don’t want to deal with the BS. A lot of men want to control or limit women, so girls see that and are avoiding relationships with men.

Anonymous wrote:So the answer is stigma.

There is still stigma but that isn't the reason you don't just ask him about a possible gay relationship. The reason is because it's his story to tell. When we come out, we are being vulnerable and opening ourselves up. We are telling people who we are in our core. Coming out can be very hard/scary to do even when we know someone will be accepting because of how vulnerable it makes us. It's up to every LGBT person to decide who to come out to, when to come out, and how to come out. Being forced out of the closet is traumatizing. You're asking them to give you a piece of themselves that they are still nurturing and growing. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. And if he's not ready, you're going to either force him to lie to you or out come out before he's ready.

Coming out is about us. It's our story. It's not your story or about you.

My DD is only 9 and I don't think at this point she's gay or bi. I have a lot of gay friends whom she knows or hears me talk about so I hope that's enough for her (or her younger sibling) to know that I have no issue with being gay and that she would feel comfortable coming out if she ever gets to that point.

Do not borrow trouble. You are viewing all relationsships from the lens of sex. WHy are you sexualizing your child and putting ideas in their head? Let them be.

Anonymous wrote:but they hadn't said anything directly, is there anything you'd do or say differently?

Wondering about my 12 year old son. I'm confident he knows I would be an ally, but just wondering.

12 year old? LOL! Have they lived life for enough years to know what they prefer, who they love and who they are?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same question here! I have a feeling my daughter (14) is gay. I feel it strongly. I have been considering asking, but it’s such an important thing I don’t want to screw if up or say the wrong thing. We are very close, and I hope she knows I would be incredibly supportive. I actually think she is more afraid of what it would do to her socially.

DO NOT ASK. This is not your truth to learn. It is her’s to share if/ when she is ready.

+1

Knowing is not being supportive. Don’t make this about you.

We use the term partner in reference to the future , we talk about LGBTQ rights, and how we believe everyone should have the freedom to love and be who they are. We don’t say things like “we’ll Love you even if… “ As that insinuates there would be something wrong with it but we’d be cool with it anyway. (well-meaning parents say this this, but don’t think about what it insinuates.)

So the answer is stigma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone on this chain is so open, I have to question why you wouldn't just tease your kids about a potential crush like you would a straight kid? I don't get all this you cannot ask business when you are so sure. If you have to put boundaries with friends because of sexual orientation such as sleepovers, this needs to be addressed. If your parents are supportive, this can be done. Isn't not asking making it more secretive/shameful?

Another way to handle is to talk to all siblings about sexual orientation at a specific age like 12 or 13? I really don't get why you treat this with such kid gloves if so supportive.

I’m the PP with college son. This is my question, too. If I would ask a question about a person he mentioned a lot who is a girl (and he has happily answered those before), why am I supposed to refrain when I think the person he likes is a boy? That seems to suggest there is a stigma.

If your son is dating someone and he hasn't told you their gender, it's probably for good reason. He doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Or maybe they're nonbinary if he's using they/them pronouns. You won't know until he's ready to tell you.

He hasn’t told us he is dating someone. He mentions a friend who is a boy a lot and I am wondering if he likes that boy as more than a friend. If that friend were a girl, I would ask and he would tell me. I am wondering why I can’t ask just because the friend is a boy.

Because he hasn't come out as gay, bi, pan, etc. It's for each individual to do that when they're ready.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone on this chain is so open, I have to question why you wouldn't just tease your kids about a potential crush like you would a straight kid? I don't get all this you cannot ask business when you are so sure. If you have to put boundaries with friends because of sexual orientation such as sleepovers, this needs to be addressed. If your parents are supportive, this can be done. Isn't not asking making it more secretive/shameful?

Another way to handle is to talk to all siblings about sexual orientation at a specific age like 12 or 13? I really don't get why you treat this with such kid gloves if so supportive.

I’m the PP with college son. This is my question, too. If I would ask a question about a person he mentioned a lot who is a girl (and he has happily answered those before), why am I supposed to refrain when I think the person he likes is a boy? That seems to suggest there is a stigma.

If your son is dating someone and he hasn't told you their gender, it's probably for good reason. He doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Or maybe they're nonbinary if he's using they/them pronouns. You won't know until he's ready to tell you.

He hasn’t told us he is dating someone. He mentions a friend who is a boy a lot and I am wondering if he likes that boy as more than a friend. If that friend were a girl, I would ask and he would tell me. I am wondering why I can’t ask just because the friend is a boy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If everyone on this chain is so open, I have to question why you wouldn't just tease your kids about a potential crush like you would a straight kid? I don't get all this you cannot ask business when you are so sure. If you have to put boundaries with friends because of sexual orientation such as sleepovers, this needs to be addressed. If your parents are supportive, this can be done. Isn't not asking making it more secretive/shameful?

Another way to handle is to talk to all siblings about sexual orientation at a specific age like 12 or 13? I really don't get why you treat this with such kid gloves if so supportive.

I’m the PP with college son. This is my question, too. If I would ask a question about a person he mentioned a lot who is a girl (and he has happily answered those before), why am I supposed to refrain when I think the person he likes is a boy? That seems to suggest there is a stigma.

If your son is dating someone and he hasn't told you their gender, it's probably for good reason. He doesn't feel comfortable doing so. Or maybe they're nonbinary if he's using they/them pronouns. You won't know until he's ready to tell you.

Anonymous wrote:If everyone on this chain is so open, I have to question why you wouldn't just tease your kids about a potential crush like you would a straight kid? I don't get all this you cannot ask business when you are so sure. If you have to put boundaries with friends because of sexual orientation such as sleepovers, this needs to be addressed. If your parents are supportive, this can be done. Isn't not asking making it more secretive/shameful?

Another way to handle is to talk to all siblings about sexual orientation at a specific age like 12 or 13? I really don't get why you treat this with such kid gloves if so supportive.

I’m the PP with college son. This is my question, too. If I would ask a question about a person he mentioned a lot who is a girl (and he has happily answered those before), why am I supposed to refrain when I think the person he likes is a boy? That seems to suggest there is a stigma.

Anonymous wrote:If everyone on this chain is so open, I have to question why you wouldn't just tease your kids about a potential crush like you would a straight kid? I don't get all this you cannot ask business when you are so sure. If you have to put boundaries with friends because of sexual orientation such as sleepovers, this needs to be addressed. If your parents are supportive, this can be done. Isn't not asking making it more secretive/shameful?

Another way to handle is to talk to all siblings about sexual orientation at a specific age like 12 or 13? I really don't get why you treat this with such kid gloves if so supportive.

I’m a PP who said use gender neutral pronouns, etc. I don’t tease my kids about ANY potential crushes and my sleepover rules are not gendered. If my parents had talked to me about sexual orientation at 12 or 13 I would have said I was straight because I was a late bloomer and bi and didn’t figure out that “I want to be friends with someone” and “I have a crush on someone” were different feelings until many years later. Not every queer person knows what they’re feeling and is confident in it at a young age.

Anonymous wrote:Also not acknowledging it if you all know it is also not acknowledging a part of them and reinforcing its shameful. Just because there is no potential pregnancy does not mean there are not huge consequences for teens and sexual relationships that are secretive. This is a really unhealthy view imo.

It has nothing to do with pregnancy risk. Coming out is up to the person in their own time when they're ready. It's wrong to force someone to come out before they're ready. Nothing screams cisgender heterosexual privilege like replying something like this. No queer person would ever do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re a lesbian couple who wondered about our son from a young age. By middle school we knew. Even with having gay parents, he came out in his own time - and that was when his best friend thought it was time. He texted a link to a coming out video. We never actually talked about it.

For some reason I love the idea of a coming out video.

Google Ally Hill Coming Out Song. You’ll love it.

Also not acknowledging it if you all know it is also not acknowledging a part of them and reinforcing its shameful. Just because there is no potential pregnancy does not mean there are not huge consequences for teens and sexual relationships that are secretive. This is a really unhealthy view imo.