Anonymous wrote:He is not ready to go to a 4-year school & live on-campus away from home.

Arguably, this is the best response so far.

Echoing the poster that says make expectations clear, make clear what options will be if takes a gap year. Will you allow gap year where DC lives at home rent-free, groceries bought by you, meals made by you, clothes from you, laundry done by you, you pay for phone, car, gas, insurance and DC does not work or volunteer so DC can just de-stress from high school? That scenario can be all good if works for all in house, but if any part of it it would not be okay with parents, need to tell DC now and not later so they know. Do not assume all generations on same page for what a gap year means.

Talking in the car also helps sometimes because you don't have to look at each other face to face and can have a good conversation. I would also possibly rope in your guidance counselor at his school if they have been helpful before and see if they have any tips. I'm sure they've seen all this before.

I think the discussion you need to have is not about which college he should pick, but about how to manage all the turmoil he's feeling.

He's got a couple of weeks before he needs to decide anything, so take a pause and a step back.

And I know scripts suck, but let him know that what you're most concerned about at this point is that he seems to be frozen. Tell him you know he needs to make a decision, but it doesn't have to be right this minute.

Tell him the two of you need to figure out what admitted students events there are.

He needs to decide if he's not interested in any of the four. Then sign up for something at each of the remaining schools (unless it's too late, in which case, put that aside).

Once he has that scheduled, suggest he take 24 or 48 hours to specifically not think about college. No pros and cons, no online meet and greets, no reddit discussions, no questions from the adults in his life.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful responses. This gives me some ideas to think about. I like the idea of telling him we will pick the least expensive if he can’t decide. If his anxiety doesn’t fade after the decision is made we can request a deferral. I did some research and 3 of the 4 schools allow a deferral for admission for 1 year.

Sounds like a great plan, OP. FWIW, my kid's therapist and school counselor said this type of response is quite common.

My child asked for a C-word break over Easter. I texted family ahead of large gatherings to ask people not to ask. The Gen Z cousins were angels! They said they already had a pact not to bring it up. One ran interference with the pushy aunties. Another made sure DC was engaged in sports and music discussion.

I had no idea how hard it could be. So different in my day. I was nervous and concerned about how deeply depressed DC became. I'm so thankful for the kindness and wisdom of my young cousins.

DC committed to a C-word yesterday without being asked about it.

HTH

Anonymous wrote:Try community college .

Why add ANOTHER option to the choices at the last minute for someone having a hard time with a time-sensitive decision?

Anonymous wrote:
The default choice will be none of the above, because he hasn't made a decision and his spot is going to be released on May 1.

That is literally the worst thing you can say to a child with ASD, ADHD, or anxiety. Do you want them to feel even more helpless or like a failure? Nice way to teach a life lesson, send your kids into a depression spiral.

Anonymous wrote:Sign up for accepted students day yourself.

Good advice. I did a couple of virtual days myself. Live Q&A, logistical info and chats with students answered more questions than we knew we had. I took notes and DC agreed to talk Sunday. Collective exhale.

Anonymous wrote:Two choices: if it is a serious mental issue then he needs to go see a therapist. Otherwise, check his privilege, realize that this is a “problem” many kids would like to have, and grow up and make a decision. If there is not a health issue, then this is seriously spoiled behavior.

Seriously? So it's his fault for being an academically talented CHILD. Let me guess, you're one of the "spare the rod" parents.

Anonymous wrote:He is not ready to go to a 4-year school & live on-campus away from home.

And you're not qualified to make this statement.

Can you help with explaining how everyone has to make decisions and share the process?

We all get overwhelmed and this is a really big decision - but framing it that there is no "Perfect" answer is important. Helping eliminate a school might be a first step.
Talking about things that they are excited about at each of the schools. (How expect to spend time there). Reflecting back on how they lit up when talking about a specific school.

In our house, my ADHD kid shuts down and is under a blanket when they need make decisions so we have a bunch of strategies that we typically go through. The 1st is to ask them to propose a time when we can discuss the topic and I tell them in needs to happen either today or tomorrow. I make sure that everyone is fed and we are not rushing to something else. So make sure the environment is set up with no distractions - but a place where you kid can be comfortable. If it is out at a restaurant - great. If it is over their favorite take out - that works.

I had a similar situation with my DD who graduated HS in 2021.
She got into her ED school in December of 2020. She then ignored it for the longest time...I tried not to be concerned because nothing really happens until after May 1. But May 1 came and went and she was not checking the website, etc.

I had access to her email (w/permission) and so I got on there and realized that she had not even OPENED any emails from her school, let alone signed up for the placement tests or checked into housing.

Long story short; previously undiagnosed ADHD and I ended up hiring an educational consultant to teach her some executive functioning skills and walk through the enrollment process with her.

She is at a top 10 school, in her second year, and other than having a horribly messy dorm room, she is doing fine, OP. She does not need me to assist her at all. (Except when she comes home, she does revert but I hear that most kids do)

At the advice of her therapist, we did get her tested again a few weeks ago, and she came back on the spectrum (High Functioning Autism, or ASD 1, or formerly known as Asbergers). We don't have the final report yet so I'm not sure if the ADHD diagnosis still stands or if the ASD diagnosis explains it.

Anyways I am going to the trouble to explain all this because I don't think the answer to paralysis is to offer a gap year because that's like offering more paralysis. I think when in the "river" it's easy to float downstream, but if sidelined, it's hard to get anywhere.

HTH!

Some of the responses here are unnecessarily harsh. Certain kids get overwhelmed and paralyzed with indecision. For many, it’s their first big real life adult decision and that can weigh heavy on them. Hopefully he’ll come around and you can help encourage a pro/con list or some other way of reaching a decision. Maybe just see if he can start by narrowing it down to three.

I had a kid who agonized until the last minute between two final options and then made their choice and all was fine. We had to back off a bit because each time we tried to push the issue, it created more stress and pressure.

Congrats to your son on having four offers to choose from!

Senior year has been my son's hardest year. He has diagnosed ADHD and suspected autism (he's getting tested this week). I suspect it's a combination of two things:
1. College admissions were very stressful, not just in themselves, but because he realized his life was going to change entirely next year, and there's anticipatory stress.
2. He's been a late bloomer in terms of adolescent rebellion, and I believe it's starting now, which isn't helping at all.

So he's not at the point of yours, but I've had to be very persuasive and directive.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope your son will come around.

Two choices: if it is a serious mental issue then he needs to go see a therapist. Otherwise, check his privilege, realize that this is a “problem” many kids would like to have, and grow up and make a decision. If there is not a health issue, then this is seriously spoiled behavior.