Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.
Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.
OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.
I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.
The PP is right. See your parents more. Your parents are about mid70s. That means generally, they have about 10 more years of life left (give or take). Under your current situation, you will see them maybe 12-15 more times where it is an active event and 8-10 more times when you are visiting because of health issues. You should enjoy their company more. When they are gone, you won't be able to.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.
You charged your parent to live with you?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.
You charged your parent to live with you?
DP
When my father came to live with us for what turned out to be his final illness, my sister and he insisted on paying us. At the time, my sister was also going through an illness and my house made the most sense. I protested, but accepted as they were not going to back down. It turned out to be a blessing as it made me feel like they appreciated what I was doing. It was one symbol or token. It was more than R&B, I was basically a nurse, aide, caregiver as he went from his cancer surgery through radiation and into hospice and ultimately death. It was nine months that became increasingly hard to do, but it was a good death and I am glad we were able to give it to him. In addition to visiting several times, she and her family came twice to give us a break. They were/are a 7 hour drive away.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.
Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.
OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.
I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.
You charged your parent to live with you?
+1Anonymous wrote:OP, rather than focusing on what you owe, like it's a monetary transaction, why not try to find ways to feel closer to your parents, one or both.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.
You charged your parent to live with you?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You don’t owe them anything. That said, offer as much as you feel comfortable. For me, I contributed my time and effort to navigate the Medicaid process to get them into long term care. I asked my sibling to help with some of the financial paperwork but did most of the work myself. My parent lived with me for a few months (paying way below market room and board), but after a fall and long hospitalization, I refused to let them come back (fall risk and no one at home to take watch, house inaccessible). My obligation was that they were not homeless and medical care taken care of. I was not going to damage my finances or family dynamics or sanity by having a dependent elderly person in my home.
You charged your parent to live with you?
LOL seriously. Some crazy hard-hearted people on DCUM. OP, you should know you're dealing with an entire range of how to see one's relationship with parents, from healthy to wackadoodle crazy.
Sounds like your parents have your other two sibs nearby and a lot of interaction with them already anyway. Why worry?
I wouldn't say I'm worried, I just want to be thoughtful in how I approach.
I don't want it to seem like I am disinterested in their welfare or unwilling to help, as neither or true. Distance makes it hard but I would like to be supportive and helpful. I guess I'm just wondering what others have done in similar situations, living far away with siblings near parents, and what this means your role is.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you cared you’d see them more than once a year and have made an effort to enjoy their company while they were still coherent.
Stay out of it unless your parents ask you to get involved.
OP here and hard disagree. My parents (and siblings) live in a small town in a very remote area. There's a reason my siblings work for or with them -- it would be very hard to have another kind of career there. I moved away because I did not want to work for the family business and you only get one life -- my parents were supportive of me moving, and also my siblings also moved away for varying amounts of time. I would love to see them more often but it is hard (the nearest even midsize airport is 4 hours away from their home, nearest major airport is nearly 7 hours away) and going once a year for a substantial period makes more sense than trying to make multiple shorter trips.
I've found it's sometimes hard for people who grew up in or near cities to understand what it means to grow up in a very remote place and leave for even basic opportunities that you could never find there. It's different than growing up in DC but choosing to live in LA and then making minimal effort to see your family. Even that would be easier! LA is only a 5 hour flight from DC and it's direct.