Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

How long did you date before marriage? Genuinely curious. I tell my teens 2 years should be enough to discover if they’re faking something

Nope, he was waving red flags wildly the entire time we were together. More important than time together is having a healthy sense of self esteem and self respect and not tolerating abusive behavior from anyone, no matter how much they say they “love” you or how charismatic they are. I had a wildly dysfunctional upbringing and I would hope and assume that the average child of a dcurbanmom will have a little more emotional armor.

Abusive people are making a choice to act that way and can act “loving” for exactly as long as they need to. Look how many people on this board marry people who have narcissistic traits or are just wildly selfish. You need to know to kick them to the curb the FIRST time they show you who they are, and that’s really really hard.

My heart goes out to you PP. I had a pretty functional upbringing and didn't see any red flags prior to marriage. Sometimes the abuser is very good at hiding things or doesn’t become abusive until after the victim spouse is trapped by marriage or children. My DH was very clever at hiding things and very good at lying. Psychopaths and sociopaths can do that.

My experience taught me you have to vet romantic partners very carefully - it’s not just that they are openly abusive or have red flags. The tells can be very small. In my case, there was no abuse prior to marriage and I only caught on by accidentally opening something I wasn’t expected to.

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

How long did you date before marriage? Genuinely curious. I tell my teens 2 years should be enough to discover if they’re faking something

Nope, he was waving red flags wildly the entire time we were together. More important than time together is having a healthy sense of self esteem and self respect and not tolerating abusive behavior from anyone, no matter how much they say they “love” you or how charismatic they are. I had a wildly dysfunctional upbringing and I would hope and assume that the average child of a dcurbanmom will have a little more emotional armor.

Abusive people are making a choice to act that way and can act “loving” for exactly as long as they need to. Look how many people on this board marry people who have narcissistic traits or are just wildly selfish. You need to know to kick them to the curb the FIRST time they show you who they are, and that’s really really hard.

15 years later and it’s bliss. He’s a wonderful father and husband.

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

How long did you date before marriage? Genuinely curious. I tell my teens 2 years should be enough to discover if they’re faking something

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

Wow I am so sorry.

Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As happy as ever 20 years later.

I think the key though is to maintain your sense of self. Your spouse can be your best friend but shouldn’t and can’t be your everything. Have your circle of buddies or girlfriends, your own hobbies.

And yes, maintaining your sense of humor is everything! You have to be able to laugh together. For us, it’s the years of multiple teenagers and if you can’t share some beers together and try to laugh your way through that chaos, you’ll crumble lol.

This...I think the belief that your spouse should be your everything and your only emotional outlet is problematic.

+1 gotta have friends and be comfortable in solitude sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
31 years later. Stronger than ever since our DC has been at college and we've both been working from home; we get along very well and are looking forward to retirement together.

But OP, the term "soulmate" is...unrealistic. It sets up an idea of starry-eyed perfection. The shared values matter the most, as a foundation for how both people will act and react if things get tough.

OP here, you’re right, that’s why I broke it down into values, friendship, and passion, and I don’t think one is necessary more important than the other two.

Yeah I think there is emotional, intellectual and physical chemistry.

I have two out of three with DH and the third (physical) is ok but not totally amazing. I’m higher libido and more adventurous but I guess you can’t have it all. He’s an amazing dad and life partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
31 years later. Stronger than ever since our DC has been at college and we've both been working from home; we get along very well and are looking forward to retirement together.

But OP, the term "soulmate" is...unrealistic. It sets up an idea of starry-eyed perfection. The shared values matter the most, as a foundation for how both people will act and react if things get tough.

OP here, you’re right, that’s why I broke it down into values, friendship, and passion, and I don’t think one is necessary more important than the other two.

Yeah I think there is emotional, intellectual and physical chemistry.

Anonymous wrote:As happy as ever 20 years later.

I think the key though is to maintain your sense of self. Your spouse can be your best friend but shouldn’t and can’t be your everything. Have your circle of buddies or girlfriends, your own hobbies.

And yes, maintaining your sense of humor is everything! You have to be able to laugh together. For us, it’s the years of multiple teenagers and if you can’t share some beers together and try to laugh your way through that chaos, you’ll crumble lol.

This...I think the belief that your spouse should be your everything and your only emotional outlet is problematic.

^^love each other

This year is our 30 wedding anniversary. We loved each other, are happily married, get along well, and most importantly, we respect each other and our choices and support each other.
One of the huge things is that we are able to do things we love and do not have some nasty co-dependent relationship.

We do not control each other and can be apart and do things on our own. He supports and understands things I like and vice versa.

It felt like I met my soulmate for 20 years until I met someone else (while married) whom I then believed could have also been my soulmate.

Some might say an emotional affair but nothing happened.

26 years now and we are still laughing and loving.