Anonymous wrote:I moved to an area where I could let my freak flag fly. Now I’m considered weird because I come across as practically normal.

Yup. I only moved to Frederick and companionship for my weird nerd hobbies pretty much fell into my lap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

Dp. That is such a good point. These self described weird people would have to reframe their whole existence if they admitted that they are more "normal" than they thought. Truth is, everyone feels like an outsider at some point in their life. Most of us just carry on with living rather than view every interaction as evidence of ourdifferences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

I'm sure they did choose it because they liked it. I did not feel welcome or like a part of their group because the only thing I had in common with them was this hobby, and people could not relate to my background or the way I arrange or prioritize my life. They were relatively narrow in that regard.

Look, I get my comment seems to have triggered you (I'm guessing your a lawyer type with an off-beat hobby) but it's not actually about you. I'm talking about MY experience, which is that I joined an unusual hobby thinking I'd find people like me because I sometimes struggle to fine people I have things in common with. And instead I found that most of the people there had a lot in common with each other but not with me, and I continued to feel like an outsider. Conversations at the hobby tended to gravitate toward the same topics that a lot of UMC urban professionals tend to discuss at work or at happy hours or at parties. The fact that we were doing a somewhat unusual hobby didn't seem to factor much into it.

That is my experience and even if you feel personally insulted by it, that doesn't change the fact that it was my experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im white and married an Asian man. I’ve come to realize that we will never have couples friends because most white men do not want to be friends with an Asian man. I think it’s because Asian men are not seen as traditionally masculine, which is what white men gravitate toward. It’s very odd because I’ve noticed white women have no problem being friends with Asian women. We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve come to accept this. People shy away from anyone even slightly different than themselves.

This is an insane theory.

Is it? NP here. It’s an intriguing theory…I can see it happening where I live- burbs of a major city with a lot of Alpha guys. They just want to be friends with dudes like them. Some Asian dads do the dude thing though. In DC, where I’m from, I can’t see this type of exclusions happening as much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure it’s not personality type? I don’t really put a lot of stock in personality typing, but I’ve consistently tested as INTJ (Myers-Briggs), which is apparently the rarest type for women. Only 1% of women are said to be this type. You mention having a husband, as do I, and I think that helps with feeling a bit more connected. Honestly I’ve tried so many things over the years - going to groups based on hobbies, attending parent events and meetups, trying to chat with neighbors and people at the park. I’ve tried being warmer and smiling a bit more. Nothing has helped me and I haven’t made a true friend in over 15 years now. I am ok with people thinking I am weird, if they do, but it would be nice to find one or two people I felt close to. I’m on a cordial smile/wave/short chat basis with pretty much everyone in my life.

I am INTJ female as well. I am often misunderstood... people think I'm closed off or snobby when I'm just quiet/listening! I have close friends from high school, but am usually on the outskirts of the school social scene. I think its mainly because I don't like to host parties/events due to being an introvert/socially anxious.

Anonymous wrote:Im white and married an Asian man. I’ve come to realize that we will never have couples friends because most white men do not want to be friends with an Asian man. I think it’s because Asian men are not seen as traditionally masculine, which is what white men gravitate toward. It’s very odd because I’ve noticed white women have no problem being friends with Asian women. We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve come to accept this. People shy away from anyone even slightly different than themselves.

I've never heard of this theory and find it odd that you would only consider other couples that include a white male. Maybe you are projecting your views of your husband onto white men? Not having couples friends in DC is very unusual and won't be due to the race of your husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im white and married an Asian man. I’ve come to realize that we will never have couples friends because most white men do not want to be friends with an Asian man. I think it’s because Asian men are not seen as traditionally masculine, which is what white men gravitate toward. It’s very odd because I’ve noticed white women have no problem being friends with Asian women. We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve come to accept this. People shy away from anyone even slightly different than themselves.

This is an insane theory.

It really is.

White men you’ve met in your life don’t want to be friends with your husband for some reason. Lots of white guys are friends with Asian guys.

OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

Anonymous wrote:This area is stultifying. People are practically dead inside, unless they're mad or feeling mean. I would move somewhere else, where there is an artists' community or a college or literally anywhere but here. I bet you will be considered normal somewhere else.

X100000

Anonymous wrote:Im white and married an Asian man. I’ve come to realize that we will never have couples friends because most white men do not want to be friends with an Asian man. I think it’s because Asian men are not seen as traditionally masculine, which is what white men gravitate toward. It’s very odd because I’ve noticed white women have no problem being friends with Asian women. We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve come to accept this. People shy away from anyone even slightly different than themselves.

This is an insane theory.

Anonymous wrote:This area is stultifying. People are practically dead inside, unless they're mad or feeling mean. I would move somewhere else, where there is an artists' community or a college or literally anywhere but here. I bet you will be considered normal somewhere else.

OP here. I often feel this is the problem, but I wonder if I'm just scapegoating DC.