I would first find a therapist for yourself. That person may be able to help you help your DC. At least tell you how to communicate with her so that she goes to get some help. It's hard to push an adult child into doing something they don't want to do.

Anonymous wrote:DC hates her current school even though it is top 25.

Top 25 makes things much worse, because she's surrounded by other people hyper-anxious about their grades and status, and the competition is much fiercer.

If you can get her out of that environment, please do so.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DC went to therapy (on-line) for 1 session and refuse to go again. Seriously thinking of pulling her out of school and cancel study aboard to work on her issue this summer. DC says she will get more depressed if she quit school. DC goes on rampage and blame everything on me. DC hates her current school even though it is top 25. Everything is spiraling downward. The mood swing is too much. It is like hourly. One minute, I love you and next I hate you. I can't get DC to see doctor. Definitely, DC is crying for help. Both of us fly out just 2 weeks ago to calm her. DH gave up. DH and I only fight about DC. We are all hurting. It seems helpless to get DC out of hellhole. We are all in it. Here I am posting in public forum.

Have your DD evaluated for bipolar disorder.

Can you help her transfer schools?

You both need therapy. You need to validate their feelings and don’t try to fix it. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t control it.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I fail as a parent. When things go wrong like a bad grade (B), breakup, etc? My high achiever, high IQ DC keeps saying want to die since HS. DC breaks down under stress because people think DC is genius. Yes, DC does win prestigious academic award but by working hard. DC has high expectation of herself. I can't get through to DC that grade doesn't matter. DC freaks out and worries about things that shouldn't matter. DC doesn't see the purpose of life. It is all work and disappointment. There is no reason to live and purpose to life. DC is only child. There are so many bad things happen at the same time, one after another that she has no control. I can feel for her. I don't know how to help her anymore.

Tell them to stop being such a histrionic drama queen and nut up. Stop coddling. Gawd.

You are a good parent for reaching out. Maybe she is over 18, doesn't have to listen to you, but do your best to take charge. Do it right away.

Call 988 to talk to someone trained, 24/7

Your child needs professional help, urgently.

I would go get her. Take her to a psychiatrist or psychologist (IN PERSON). If she is saying she wants to kill herself, actively, then take her to the emergency room.

She can take a leave of absence from school. She needs to get her health under control, before caring about academics.

I am sorry you have had this stress. Your child is ILL.
She is not a reflection of your parenting. She needs a doctor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I fail as a parent. When things go wrong like a bad grade (B), breakup, etc? My high achiever, high IQ DC keeps saying want to die since HS. DC breaks down under stress because people think DC is genius. Yes, DC does win prestigious academic award but by working hard. DC has high expectation of herself. I can't get through to DC that grade doesn't matter. DC freaks out and worries about things that shouldn't matter. DC doesn't see the purpose of life. It is all work and disappointment. There is no reason to live and purpose to life. DC is only child. There are so many bad things happen at the same time, one after another that she has no control. I can feel for her. I don't know how to help her anymore.

This is not about you or failing as a parent. The failure would be if you don’t take these cries for help seriously and find your child a competent therapist and psychiatrist. They need your help to do this for them. And yes sooner rather than later. I’m a therapist who works with high achieving miserable individuals. High achieving does not equal high self esteem or mental well being.

This. The parents who "fail" their kids go into denial when there is a problem and/or refuse to get help for the kid that they can afford. Parents who beat their children are failing. Parents who torture their kids for their own narcissistic needs are failing their kids. Seeing a problem and getting help is good parenting.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DC went to therapy (on-line) for 1 session and refuse to go again. Seriously thinking of pulling her out of school and cancel study aboard to work on her issue this summer. DC says she will get more depressed if she quit school. DC goes on rampage and blame everything on me. DC hates her current school even though it is top 25. Everything is spiraling downward. The mood swing is too much. It is like hourly. One minute, I love you and next I hate you. I can't get DC to see doctor. Definitely, DC is crying for help. Both of us fly out just 2 weeks ago to calm her. DH gave up. DH and I only fight about DC. We are all hurting. It seems helpless to get DC out of hellhole. We are all in it. Here I am posting in public forum.

Our jobs as parents are to make hard choices for our kids. She is in crisis and needs intervention. Taking a semester or even a year off is something all universities have capacity to accommodate. Find a compromise that she does not travel abroad for the summer but instead uses that time to take a break and level off, then she can go abroad during her gap year. Approach it as releasing the pressure a bit to evaluate and take stock and do some self-care. Also remind her that with a step away she will be better equipped to take advantage of opportunities in the future.

All of this comes from love and care. You are not invested in T25 or academic achievements… what is important is her health and well-being.

Also online therapy is fine once a relationship is established but is hard to get started that way.

It kay be necessary for her to medically withdraw this semester if she is in a position of being so overwhelmed that she is irretrievably behind in her work.

Big hugs to you and her. This is tough stuff… and this will pass. Your job is to help her navigate this as best she can.

I am so sorry you are all in so much pain. It is so hard to help a child who is now a young adult.

NAMI may be helpful. Here is a link with resources. This is for the MD website but there are links to DC and VA on the right:

http://namimd.org/crisis_help

Hugs to you

It’s ok for her to take a year off and possibly change schools when she returns to a happier, less pressurized place? I hear the cry for help and you do too. Time to slow everything down, bring her home and get the care she needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I fail as a parent. When things go wrong like a bad grade (B), breakup, etc? My high achiever, high IQ DC keeps saying want to die since HS. DC breaks down under stress because people think DC is genius. Yes, DC does win prestigious academic award but by working hard. DC has high expectation of herself. I can't get through to DC that grade doesn't matter. DC freaks out and worries about things that shouldn't matter. DC doesn't see the purpose of life. It is all work and disappointment. There is no reason to live and purpose to life. DC is only child. There are so many bad things happen at the same time, one after another that she has no control. I can feel for her. I don't know how to help her anymore.

This is not about you or failing as a parent. The failure would be if you don’t take these cries for help seriously and find your child a competent therapist and psychiatrist. They need your help to do this for them. And yes sooner rather than later. I’m a therapist who works with high achieving miserable individuals. High achieving does not equal high self esteem or mental well being.

This. The parents who "fail" their kids go into denial when there is a problem and/or refuse to get help for the kid that they can afford. Parents who beat their children are failing. Parents who torture their kids for their own narcissistic needs are failing their kids. Seeing a problem and getting help is good parenting.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DC went to therapy (on-line) for 1 session and refuse to go again. Seriously thinking of pulling her out of school and cancel study aboard to work on her issue this summer. DC says she will get more depressed if she quit school. DC goes on rampage and blame everything on me. DC hates her current school even though it is top 25. Everything is spiraling downward. The mood swing is too much. It is like hourly. One minute, I love you and next I hate you. I can't get DC to see doctor. Definitely, DC is crying for help. Both of us fly out just 2 weeks ago to calm her. DH gave up. DH and I only fight about DC. We are all hurting. It seems helpless to get DC out of hellhole. We are all in it. Here I am posting in public forum.

Maybe your daughter suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Is her current school located in a gloomy cold weather area ?