I get the “sagging under the weight” and “loves it” - this is my kid who plays in a travel league where away games are often up or down 95 2-4 hrs and can take up the entire weekend. Is he sagging on those Sunday afternoons sitting in traffic after driving 4 hrs and losing a game? Yup.(me too!) Is he sagging rolling back to practice on Monday when there’s been a Sat and Sun game - yup. The level of competition- which I know many kids playing any competitive sport in this area face - is no joke. Some personalities will find it stressful while others find it exciting.it’s both. My kid does enjoy most practices and runs around with a smile on his face. He’s getting an amazing competitive experience and is proud of how hard he works. The end of every season is an opportunity to say so long to this sport/club and try something new. I think that will happen as he’s starting HS and wants have the experience playing in HS and may try a new sport.
I applaud the Middle School kids (and their parents) playing any time intensive sport. So many changes going on with these kids at this age.
When I chat with other team parents, I hear both the “sag” and the “love” from others too.

OP, is this swimming? Some of the things you wrote make me think it could be. Swimming gets very intense at this age and the really talented kids have a lot of pressure on their backs, sometimes while still loving the sport and competition, so I get that too. Boys in particular can start to fall apart mentally at this age in swim because if they are not early to hit puberty/growth spurt, they will not keep up for a few years, no matter how talented. The good news is if they stick it out through those 11/12/13 year old seasons they will eventually catch up in growth and the competition will normalize. If they keep working on sound technique they may even come out ahead once it’s said and done. As for injuries, overuse injuries are certainly possible but a good club will take into account a kid’s physical development (not just speed) and will not push too much too soon. If you feel he is being pushed too hard, you should definitely talk to the coach about your concerns or even start to look for a new club.

Maybe this is a different sport, but some of this may still apply. If your kid is enjoying it, sometimes feeling pressure is just part of the process and you have to work on strategies for helping them process those feelings. If this sport is a big part of his identity, making him quit altogether would probably be detrimental. Maybe there is a middle road.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. I actually have had kid into preventative PT and have started looking for someone they can see about performance anxiety. I don’t want to add in strength training yet bc only in middle school and I am trying to keep commitments lower. My kid is on the younger side so I insist on sticking with the minimum required practice at this time and happily allow skipping for school work, rest etc. I am a little crazy about sleep and try to insist on 9 hours (but I can see that will be hard next year as school work ramps up, which is part of the issue).

Kid has all As in school and mostly not injured though definite aches and pains, and I worry about overuse a lot. Kid is mostly rule following (forgets to make bed but sticks with major responsibilities).

So I do worry about creating a problem where there isn’t one but looking ahead, it feels unsustainable.

No doubt the sport has been a positive so far but it is getting to a tipping point where I really question it. On one hand, how lucky to have something they love and are good at. On the other, the expectations outside our family keep ramping up and it feels like a losing proposition. I think that is my main worry.

Clearly, I was not an athlete and don’t know what to do with this.

Gently, when I read this I read a lot of your anxiety but not a lot of concrete evidence of problems yet. And you will have a serious problem if you make a child quit something he absolutely loves.

There are things you can do for injury prevention. My athlete child stated going to yoga classes with me in sixth grade. It turned into something we continued for years, a really wonderful time together. Strength training is also helpful but I would not start that until high school.

Also, it’s not really all that rare for a kid who is dedicated and focused to get college offers. My kid got multiple (and the D3 schools came with a ton of merit aid). I know several committed kids in the same position. DCUM is exceptionally anti-athlete for some reason and makes this seem like it never happens but it’s really not that unusual for driven kids who want to play in college.

Thank you for this perspective. I don’t want to create problems where there isn’t any but the outside pressure is getting intense and kid is sagging under the weight. But I agree, I probably can’t force quitting without issues. I love the yoga suggestion.

I’m not understanding the “sagging under the weight” of the pressure AND “loves it.” Usually when the pressure gets to be too much for a particular kid they stop loving it - start dreading it rather than chomping at the bit to play more. I also don’t really understand the worry about injury (unless it is something like multiple concussions, in which case of course it’s serious). My son has some sports injuries, but most of his sprains and breaks and stitches have come from doing everyday boy stuff - climbing, falling, trying to dunk, etc. And if your son gets injured he’ll have to slow down, which is what you want, right? What are you worrying about something that may not happen, and if it does gives your son the information he needs to make a choice?

You don’t get to choose how your kid identifies. Mine identifies strongly as an athlete, and I do worry about what will happen, emotionally, if he has to quit. But we all face loss in life. It hurts, and we grow. Don’t deny your kid the opportunity to have his own life experiences - the highs and the lows.

I’m the PP who the OP responded to (the one who suggested yoga) and I agree, especially the bolded. I don’t quite get the “sagging under the weight” but also “loves it.” I’ve been around a LOT of youth athletics and I can’t remember encountering that mix. What I have seen are kids sagging under the weight and pretending to love it, or parents who claimed their kids were sagging under the weight because the parents hated it (but the kids clearly loved it). But you can tell when a kid truly loves a sport versus going through the motions — they can’t fake the joy.

It’s hard for me to tell whether this is more OP or OPs kid. I should also say that I have no problems with a parent deciding as a family they are done, but they need to be honest about who exactly is done.

+1 and this reads much more like a parent who is anxious about the sport commitment than a (straight A) kid who is struggling with it. Competitive kids often get performance anxiety and overuse injuries, and those should be managed, but are not a reason to force a kid to quit a sport, IMO. I can’t actually think of a reason to make a kid quit sports unless they are unaffordable or there is some serious trauma going on. Seems like a huge parental overreach.

If they are in public, they won't make a high school team unless they have already played years of travel.

Sorry but I think parents who let sports take over their kids' lives are nuts. I have two athletic boys and I can assure you that neither my kids nor your kids are going to be pro athletes and they're not getting college scholarships. Focus on what matters: academics and good health (mental and physical.) If their sports schedule interferes with any of that, it's a big mistake.

You are going to be in for a hard time reconciling that in high school if they play for a school team of any sort, including JV. One of my sons runs track, the other is on the tennis team. This is for school, not a travel team, and they are both just decent. There is practice 5 days per week, plus meets that sometimes go until 9:30pm on a school night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. I actually have had kid into preventative PT and have started looking for someone they can see about performance anxiety. I don’t want to add in strength training yet bc only in middle school and I am trying to keep commitments lower. My kid is on the younger side so I insist on sticking with the minimum required practice at this time and happily allow skipping for school work, rest etc. I am a little crazy about sleep and try to insist on 9 hours (but I can see that will be hard next year as school work ramps up, which is part of the issue).

Kid has all As in school and mostly not injured though definite aches and pains, and I worry about overuse a lot. Kid is mostly rule following (forgets to make bed but sticks with major responsibilities).

So I do worry about creating a problem where there isn’t one but looking ahead, it feels unsustainable.

No doubt the sport has been a positive so far but it is getting to a tipping point where I really question it. On one hand, how lucky to have something they love and are good at. On the other, the expectations outside our family keep ramping up and it feels like a losing proposition. I think that is my main worry.

Clearly, I was not an athlete and don’t know what to do with this.

Gently, when I read this I read a lot of your anxiety but not a lot of concrete evidence of problems yet. And you will have a serious problem if you make a child quit something he absolutely loves.

There are things you can do for injury prevention. My athlete child stated going to yoga classes with me in sixth grade. It turned into something we continued for years, a really wonderful time together. Strength training is also helpful but I would not start that until high school.

Also, it’s not really all that rare for a kid who is dedicated and focused to get college offers. My kid got multiple (and the D3 schools came with a ton of merit aid). I know several committed kids in the same position. DCUM is exceptionally anti-athlete for some reason and makes this seem like it never happens but it’s really not that unusual for driven kids who want to play in college.

Thank you for this perspective. I don’t want to create problems where there isn’t any but the outside pressure is getting intense and kid is sagging under the weight. But I agree, I probably can’t force quitting without issues. I love the yoga suggestion.

I’m not understanding the “sagging under the weight” of the pressure AND “loves it.” Usually when the pressure gets to be too much for a particular kid they stop loving it - start dreading it rather than chomping at the bit to play more. I also don’t really understand the worry about injury (unless it is something like multiple concussions, in which case of course it’s serious). My son has some sports injuries, but most of his sprains and breaks and stitches have come from doing everyday boy stuff - climbing, falling, trying to dunk, etc. And if your son gets injured he’ll have to slow down, which is what you want, right? What are you worrying about something that may not happen, and if it does gives your son the information he needs to make a choice?

You don’t get to choose how your kid identifies. Mine identifies strongly as an athlete, and I do worry about what will happen, emotionally, if he has to quit. But we all face loss in life. It hurts, and we grow. Don’t deny your kid the opportunity to have his own life experiences - the highs and the lows.

I’m the PP who the OP responded to (the one who suggested yoga) and I agree, especially the bolded. I don’t quite get the “sagging under the weight” but also “loves it.” I’ve been around a LOT of youth athletics and I can’t remember encountering that mix. What I have seen are kids sagging under the weight and pretending to love it, or parents who claimed their kids were sagging under the weight because the parents hated it (but the kids clearly loved it). But you can tell when a kid truly loves a sport versus going through the motions — they can’t fake the joy.

It’s hard for me to tell whether this is more OP or OPs kid. I should also say that I have no problems with a parent deciding as a family they are done, but they need to be honest about who exactly is done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tweens and teens move down to rec level in their sport all the time, and for many reasons. Including to branch out to new and different activities and sports.

For our daughter, that was a prelude to quitting. We forced her to choose between two travel sports and she dropped to rec soccer. She wanted to quit once the season started because the level of competition was so much lower than what she was used to that she said it felt like a different sport

That's sad. She'll never forget you made her quit. I had to quit a competitive sport because we didn't have the money to keep going (think figure skating or equestrian). My parents felt horrible about it and, intellectually, I understood why I couldn't move forward but I always blame them and wonder "what if" when it's brought to my attention (which isn't often, really).

We made her quit because two year round trave sports was too much. She chose the other sport.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tweens and teens move down to rec level in their sport all the time, and for many reasons. Including to branch out to new and different activities and sports.

For our daughter, that was a prelude to quitting. We forced her to choose between two travel sports and she dropped to rec soccer. She wanted to quit once the season started because the level of competition was so much lower than what she was used to that she said it felt like a different sport

That's sad. She'll never forget you made her quit. I had to quit a competitive sport because we didn't have the money to keep going (think figure skating or equestrian). My parents felt horrible about it and, intellectually, I understood why I couldn't move forward but I always blame them and wonder "what if" when it's brought to my attention (which isn't often, really).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. I actually have had kid into preventative PT and have started looking for someone they can see about performance anxiety. I don’t want to add in strength training yet bc only in middle school and I am trying to keep commitments lower. My kid is on the younger side so I insist on sticking with the minimum required practice at this time and happily allow skipping for school work, rest etc. I am a little crazy about sleep and try to insist on 9 hours (but I can see that will be hard next year as school work ramps up, which is part of the issue).

Kid has all As in school and mostly not injured though definite aches and pains, and I worry about overuse a lot. Kid is mostly rule following (forgets to make bed but sticks with major responsibilities).

So I do worry about creating a problem where there isn’t one but looking ahead, it feels unsustainable.

No doubt the sport has been a positive so far but it is getting to a tipping point where I really question it. On one hand, how lucky to have something they love and are good at. On the other, the expectations outside our family keep ramping up and it feels like a losing proposition. I think that is my main worry.

Clearly, I was not an athlete and don’t know what to do with this.

Gently, when I read this I read a lot of your anxiety but not a lot of concrete evidence of problems yet. And you will have a serious problem if you make a child quit something he absolutely loves.

There are things you can do for injury prevention. My athlete child stated going to yoga classes with me in sixth grade. It turned into something we continued for years, a really wonderful time together. Strength training is also helpful but I would not start that until high school.

Also, it’s not really all that rare for a kid who is dedicated and focused to get college offers. My kid got multiple (and the D3 schools came with a ton of merit aid). I know several committed kids in the same position. DCUM is exceptionally anti-athlete for some reason and makes this seem like it never happens but it’s really not that unusual for driven kids who want to play in college.

Thank you for this perspective. I don’t want to create problems where there isn’t any but the outside pressure is getting intense and kid is sagging under the weight. But I agree, I probably can’t force quitting without issues. I love the yoga suggestion.

I’m not understanding the “sagging under the weight” of the pressure AND “loves it.” Usually when the pressure gets to be too much for a particular kid they stop loving it - start dreading it rather than chomping at the bit to play more. I also don’t really understand the worry about injury (unless it is something like multiple concussions, in which case of course it’s serious). My son has some sports injuries, but most of his sprains and breaks and stitches have come from doing everyday boy stuff - climbing, falling, trying to dunk, etc. And if your son gets injured he’ll have to slow down, which is what you want, right? What are you worrying about something that may not happen, and if it does gives your son the information he needs to make a choice?

You don’t get to choose how your kid identifies. Mine identifies strongly as an athlete, and I do worry about what will happen, emotionally, if he has to quit. But we all face loss in life. It hurts, and we grow. Don’t deny your kid the opportunity to have his own life experiences - the highs and the lows.

Lots of kids stop at this age. Playing in high school for the high school team just for fun and socializing may not be an issue depending on school and team. Tons of other fun things to do. DD stopped 25+/hr week sport in middle school and found lots of cool extracurric's to do, and that looked much better on college apps than just doing one sport that they probably wouldn't play in college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. I actually have had kid into preventative PT and have started looking for someone they can see about performance anxiety. I don’t want to add in strength training yet bc only in middle school and I am trying to keep commitments lower. My kid is on the younger side so I insist on sticking with the minimum required practice at this time and happily allow skipping for school work, rest etc. I am a little crazy about sleep and try to insist on 9 hours (but I can see that will be hard next year as school work ramps up, which is part of the issue).

Kid has all As in school and mostly not injured though definite aches and pains, and I worry about overuse a lot. Kid is mostly rule following (forgets to make bed but sticks with major responsibilities).

So I do worry about creating a problem where there isn’t one but looking ahead, it feels unsustainable.

No doubt the sport has been a positive so far but it is getting to a tipping point where I really question it. On one hand, how lucky to have something they love and are good at. On the other, the expectations outside our family keep ramping up and it feels like a losing proposition. I think that is my main worry.

Clearly, I was not an athlete and don’t know what to do with this.

Gently, when I read this I read a lot of your anxiety but not a lot of concrete evidence of problems yet. And you will have a serious problem if you make a child quit something he absolutely loves.

There are things you can do for injury prevention. My athlete child stated going to yoga classes with me in sixth grade. It turned into something we continued for years, a really wonderful time together. Strength training is also helpful but I would not start that until high school.

Also, it’s not really all that rare for a kid who is dedicated and focused to get college offers. My kid got multiple (and the D3 schools came with a ton of merit aid). I know several committed kids in the same position. DCUM is exceptionally anti-athlete for some reason and makes this seem like it never happens but it’s really not that unusual for driven kids who want to play in college.

Thank you for this perspective. I don’t want to create problems where there isn’t any but the outside pressure is getting intense and kid is sagging under the weight. But I agree, I probably can’t force quitting without issues. I love the yoga suggestion.

Anonymous wrote:Tweens and teens move down to rec level in their sport all the time, and for many reasons. Including to branch out to new and different activities and sports.

For our daughter, that was a prelude to quitting. We forced her to choose between two travel sports and she dropped to rec soccer. She wanted to quit once the season started because the level of competition was so much lower than what she was used to that she said it felt like a different sport

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. I actually have had kid into preventative PT and have started looking for someone they can see about performance anxiety. I don’t want to add in strength training yet bc only in middle school and I am trying to keep commitments lower. My kid is on the younger side so I insist on sticking with the minimum required practice at this time and happily allow skipping for school work, rest etc. I am a little crazy about sleep and try to insist on 9 hours (but I can see that will be hard next year as school work ramps up, which is part of the issue).

Kid has all As in school and mostly not injured though definite aches and pains, and I worry about overuse a lot. Kid is mostly rule following (forgets to make bed but sticks with major responsibilities).

So I do worry about creating a problem where there isn’t one but looking ahead, it feels unsustainable.

No doubt the sport has been a positive so far but it is getting to a tipping point where I really question it. On one hand, how lucky to have something they love and are good at. On the other, the expectations outside our family keep ramping up and it feels like a losing proposition. I think that is my main worry.

Clearly, I was not an athlete and don’t know what to do with this.

Gently, when I read this I read a lot of your anxiety but not a lot of concrete evidence of problems yet. And you will have a serious problem if you make a child quit something he absolutely loves.

There are things you can do for injury prevention. My athlete child stated going to yoga classes with me in sixth grade. It turned into something we continued for years, a really wonderful time together. Strength training is also helpful but I would not start that until high school.

Also, it’s not really all that rare for a kid who is dedicated and focused to get college offers. My kid got multiple (and the D3 schools came with a ton of merit aid). I know several committed kids in the same position. DCUM is exceptionally anti-athlete for some reason and makes this seem like it never happens but it’s really not that unusual for driven kids who want to play in college.

Tweens and teens move down to rec level in their sport all the time, and for many reasons. Including to branch out to new and different activities and sports.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I think your concerns - injury, sport being his identity - are worth worrying about. Some parents revel in the fact that their kids identify themselves as a competitive gymnast, downhill ski racer, etc, but obviously most kids will not be athletes forever.

For me, the injury component would be enough to pull back. “Mostly uninjured” makes it sound like there have been a few injuries so far and you have concern that more injuries will be hard to avoid. If it’s a sport that has a higher rate of overuse injury that can lead to pain/impairment as an adult, I would be more willing to pull back.

My kid identifies herself as a competitive athlete and I worry for her. At some point the road will end and then she's going to lose a big part of how she identifies herself. As long as she is enjoying what she's doing, we wouldn't make her drop anything, but the time is going to come when it isn't her choice