Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 14:11     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:No, I would just pay for the service of home care. [/quote

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 14:09     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.


Until you have watched a love one descend into utter helplessness or into abusive tirades and physically lashing out at family caregivers and hired caregivers I don't think you will be able to fathom what these decisions are truly about. I have been at this for close to a decade. I thought it would be me showering parents and inlaws with love and visits full of smiles and helping and getting that warm fuzzy feeling that I am showing them love. LOL! It may be tolerable the first few years of watching a painful decline into hell or having someone you had a relationship with before throw verbal knives at all the right places and scream at you what a worthless peace of garbage you are. You know that sibling you tolerated, but never really thought had your back? Well suddenly she blames you and thinks you deserve that. Mom starts making accusations against you-insane accusations and she feeds right in and next thing you know mom is funding all sorts of things for sibling and her children. You know all those trips you made and all that help you gave?It is not only forgotten, but you are now the worst person who ever was born into this family. You find yourself crying hysterically in therapy every time until your own life crisis hits and you have to make a decision. Be there for the family you created or continue to subject yourself to abuse at the expense of your family. You find the only time you can breathe and feel normal and sane is when you are anywhere but near that parent. Caring for your ill husband is a piece of cake in comparison because he actually says thank you and enjoys your company AND he never accuses you of anything.

I was once so naive. I don't think anyone can judge assisted suicide until they have seen how family members can either descent into complete misery and dependence or descend into tyrants. At one point I seriously wondered if my mother might hire a hitman. She was that paranoid and full of rage directed toward me or anyone who got too close.


Your birth family had dysfunction from the begining. Sorry. It sucks but some cultures are not known for good family ties.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 14:06     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yep absolutely scared of this especially since I wasn’t able to have kids.



I work in a nursing home, most people's children NEVER come to visit. Not even once a year. Never count on kids alone to take care of you in old age.


I just posted before. I used to think this was so heartbreaking. I was there so much for my father. Then I experienced what it is to have a parent descend into paranoia, hatred, and abuse. I honestly think my mother is better off with caregivers than she is with me. It cannot be good for her health to be so explosive, although perhaps she gets a dopamine rush. I know it is awful for my health. Until I stopped visiting I had heart issues, daily migraines, high BP for the first time in my life that is now not an issue at all, aches all over my body and more. I could not sleep at night as things got worse. I tried all the techniques in therapy and it helped a little. I called her doctors to express concern about her explosions. You know what helped A LOT, when I had to take care of an ill husband and finally could give my self permission to stop taking the abuse. I could sleep at night. I no longer hated myself. My heartbeat became normal again. Yes, it was stressful caring for him, but he appreciated me. We enjoyed our time together. He actually said thank you and was loving.

I used to think how awful adult children must be not to visit. Now if I heart adult children didn't visit, my first thought would be to wonder how awful the parents behavior got. I would wonder what the solutions are when doctors try to get them to take calming meds, but they won't. I have already informed my own children they need to save themselves. if I become abusive, just make sure I have care and walk away unless we can medicate my abuse away.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 14:02     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.


Who do you want to love your parents, because it obviously isn't you.

It's all about you and what your feelings will be. You don't care that your mom will suffer, and that your Dad will suffer watching her suffer. All you care about is yourself.


She's not suffering, she's embarrassed somebody might have to help her eat and toilet. We're not talking about pain, or mental incapacity. Just the fear and embarrassment of being a burden.


And maybe for her, that is suffering. Love your mom enough to respect her feelings.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 13:57     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:Yep absolutely scared of this especially since I wasn’t able to have kids.



I work in a nursing home, most people's children NEVER come to visit. Not even once a year. Never count on kids alone to take care of you in old age.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 13:56     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.


Until you have watched a love one descend into utter helplessness or into abusive tirades and physically lashing out at family caregivers and hired caregivers I don't think you will be able to fathom what these decisions are truly about. I have been at this for close to a decade. I thought it would be me showering parents and inlaws with love and visits full of smiles and helping and getting that warm fuzzy feeling that I am showing them love. LOL! It may be tolerable the first few years of watching a painful decline into hell or having someone you had a relationship with before throw verbal knives at all the right places and scream at you what a worthless peace of garbage you are. You know that sibling you tolerated, but never really thought had your back? Well suddenly she blames you and thinks you deserve that. Mom starts making accusations against you-insane accusations and she feeds right in and next thing you know mom is funding all sorts of things for sibling and her children. You know all those trips you made and all that help you gave?It is not only forgotten, but you are now the worst person who ever was born into this family. You find yourself crying hysterically in therapy every time until your own life crisis hits and you have to make a decision. Be there for the family you created or continue to subject yourself to abuse at the expense of your family. You find the only time you can breathe and feel normal and sane is when you are anywhere but near that parent. Caring for your ill husband is a piece of cake in comparison because he actually says thank you and enjoys your company AND he never accuses you of anything.

I was once so naive. I don't think anyone can judge assisted suicide until they have seen how family members can either descent into complete misery and dependence or descend into tyrants. At one point I seriously wondered if my mother might hire a hitman. She was that paranoid and full of rage directed toward me or anyone who got too close.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 13:39     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.


Who do you want to love your parents, because it obviously isn't you.

It's all about you and what your feelings will be. You don't care that your mom will suffer, and that your Dad will suffer watching her suffer. All you care about is yourself.


She's not suffering, she's embarrassed somebody might have to help her eat and toilet. We're not talking about pain, or mental incapacity. Just the fear and embarrassment of being a burden.


Quality of life is important. If your mom wants 65 good years instead of 75 with the last ten s*cking, that is her decision. I understand where you are coming from - I am a mom, and have a mom I am going to be taking care of soon due to a diagnosis - but if my mom made this choice for herself I would grive but I would accept HER choice.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 13:26     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.


Who do you want to love your parents, because it obviously isn't you.

It's all about you and what your feelings will be. You don't care that your mom will suffer, and that your Dad will suffer watching her suffer. All you care about is yourself.


She's not suffering, she's embarrassed somebody might have to help her eat and toilet. We're not talking about pain, or mental incapacity. Just the fear and embarrassment of being a burden.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 13:22     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.


Who do you want to love your parents, because it obviously isn't you.

It's all about you and what your feelings will be. You don't care that your mom will suffer, and that your Dad will suffer watching her suffer. All you care about is yourself.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 13:18     Subject: Re:Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
My mom recently received a diagnosis that will lead to severely diminished physical ability. She and dad are talking about assisted suicide (for both, he doesn't want to be alone). It makes me so sad. I love them and am happy to help them, and they can afford to hire a home aide. They are welcome to live with me but don't want to move.

I'm sad about the idea of losing them, but also sad they can't contemplate being dependent. Let people love you.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 12:31     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nope. I plan to die before that point. Some fates are worse than death. Dependency, especially in private situations, i.e. incontinence, is one of them.


That’s not how it works.


Lol. I kinda wanted to know how PP plans to do that.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 12:26     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, but I know my kids will help me even to the point of moving in with me if needed. I know this because they have told me.

Also I live in a community where everyone helps everyone else in so many ways. Currently it's me helping others but I know that one day it might be me who needs help.


Pray tell, where do you live? Ready to move
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 10:17     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:How are you going to limit length of your life? Suicide is illegal, unacceptable in most religions and traumatic for loved ones.


Medical aid in dying is legal in the following states, and likely more states will follow suit in the coming years.

Oregon.
Washington.
Montana.
Vermont.
California.
Colorado.
Washington D.C.
Hawai'i.
New Jersey
Maine
New Mexico



Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 10:14     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Anonymous wrote:How are you going to limit length of your life? Suicide is illegal, unacceptable in most religions and traumatic for loved ones.


There are places overseas where you can do this. There's a pod place in Switzerland.
Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 10:12     Subject: Are you scared of being dependent on others in old age?
Yes, I'd rather die. And plan to.