My MIL has been gone almost 4 years. I still think of some of the awful things she said and did. I still mourned her, though.

It's an odd time OP. I hope you find closure- or whatever it is you need.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I am bitter and yes resentful. Meaningless mean behavior. The grief isn’t about her and her death, it’s the grief over what it should have been like. Or could have been.

+1

NP here. I hear you, OP. When we have known nice parents (even long term boyfriend's parents!) as nice, kind, warm, welcoming, fun, funny and well, sane people - it just isn't the same when you get stuck with a bitter, mean, selfish old hag. My MIL was nasty for the last thirty years - always 1:1 - but everyone gushes over her because she is old. I will gush too, and it will be hilarious, because I know the truth.

Buy yourself a nice black dress and celebrate the end of this toxicity. Maybe sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" to yourself and with your friends, when this horrible, nasty chapter is over. Throw yourself a (truly!!) Happy Hour. Your DH will be relieved, too. Trust me, the toxic MILs were terrible parents, and the DHs know this. My DH is the same, and MIL perpetuated the triangulation, toxicity and "ranking" in the family. Hoping the toxic, enable (by MIL) SIL cleanses her soul when this is over, too. But I won't hold my breath.

Point is, it is almost over, and their legacy is how they treated you and your kids. Kids know, they aren't stupid. Take peace in the fact that most people know the truth. You are not alone.

Anonymous wrote:You can try to solve it with money by hiring a helper for them or setting them up with your DH's sibling (whom they get along with) and provide them some financial incentive for caregiving.

This way everyone is satisfied and your hubby doesn't have to go as often.

No one is satisfied. It becomes a bottomless pit of ‘gimme’ to support a situation that will only prolongs the inevitable, as the elderly worsen and need more and more. If people here thinking throwing 15K at this every month is sustainable, then you are very priveleged.

Anonymous wrote:Look at the bright side, she will soon be no more
It may sound horrible but I felt relieved and almost happy when my mentally ill, difficult mother died
She managed to wreak havoc on our whole family and even as my brother and I left she kept our father hostage almost literally
Now we are all free
I wish you relief!

NOT HORRIBLE PP! Relief and happiness to be out of that situation is NORMAL. Say it with me!! The enabling going on with my parents/sister right now is ridiculous. We sold a house and my sister wants to have all that money put in my parents account because ‘we don’t need it’. They’d go through it in probably under a year. They have nothing for their long-term care except the house they own and are refusing to downsize or move into another home we own that the can live in free of charge. We are simply expected to fund their lifestyle including 10-15K for future round-the-clock care. My mother would move in a heartbeat if my totally able-bodied sister wasn’t so afraid of change. My father would go too once he was told (again) he has no money anymore. Moving, even locally, would mean over a 1/2 mil for their care. They are both almost 90 and almost totally disabled. My sister comes off as the saint and I’m the evil sibling who refuses to drain our own resources so they can pretend that everything is ok

Get your daughter off you college. Then seriously consider divorce.

OP here. All of these responses were helpful. It's a weird process to reflect back on these 25 years. Yes, I agree with many that it's a DH problem. I'm disappointed in myself. And yes MIL is horrible and always has been. What a wretch.

I've learned a lot and I will indeed take this time to reflect. We were to take DD on college tours next week during her spring break. I anticipate doing it myself, which is fine and the way I've always done things. I will give him the space and grace to be there with his Mom.