OP I had similar feelings about my child when he was much younger (6-10). Then he slowly began to change and my attitude began changing too. I know the teenage years are still ahead for the both of us (he is almost 13) but some things have helped me.
- accepting him as a lazy person trying to get away with doing as little as possible. I think it is very human, and people are born conscientious or lazy, it’s a scale. I do teach him work ethics but I have mostly accepted that he will be lazier than me or many others who actually achieve something;
- accepting that he is not ambitious;
- putting my child first. If there are any concerns from teachers, I approach it as trying to help him -
I used to be ashamed that he doesn’t perform up to par - now I give him the benefit of the doubt
- I keep telling him how being pleasant and displaying interest and a caring attitude can help one in life - he doesn’t have to really care but he needs to emulate respect and a positive attitude. I hope he fakes it till he makes it
- I keep telling him that unfortunately we are quite limited in how we live our lives and what we do. The art of happiness is choosing the least hated option and looking at the positive side of things. We all have to go to school and work and we can make the best of it but we can’t really escape it fully

It was mostly my acceptance that changed things I think. I plan to keep it up. He won’t ever be in a great college or an outstanding specialist at work, but at least he is smart and good looking and not horrible personality wise and hopefully he will be a productive citizen - what’s more to wish for?

Anonymous wrote:If OP seriously believes her feelings about her daughter will never change then the main problem is OP and her closed mindedness. That's a sad situation for both because things change and people change all the time.

Exactly, daughter can change and mom will still find new reasons to hate her.

Hi Mom,

Don't worry, I know you hate me which is why I declined to see you as I'm not putting on a show and I moved on. My husband hates how you treat me which is why he avoids you. And, we both hate how you treat our kids. No worries. You haven't been much of a mom to me for many years and I know if I need something not to call as you'd never help out.

Take care.

If OP seriously believes her feelings about her daughter will never change then the main problem is OP and her closed mindedness. That's a sad situation for both because things change and people change all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who are suggesting the daughter needs a psychological evaluation, yes…. But OP does as well.

Not necessarily. If OP is not informed on special needs and their presentation, she can absolutely dislike her difficult child and wonder it came to this.
And even with a known diagnosis, I can tell you I don’t always like my son, now 17!!! I love him, I care for him, but boy is it hard sometimes.

Now perhaps OP has something as well. But perhaps not. I have ADHD. DS gets the HFA from his father.

I think it’s messed up to assign all the blame to the child without looking inward.

Genetics, PP. This is the part you're missing. Genes are reassorted and transmitted. OP cannot do anything about that. Hop on to the Special Needs forum and people will tell you how hard and demoralizing it can to raise a child like this. OP need to be a SUPER-PARENT to raise such a child. If you haven't walked in her shoes, don't criticize.

Anonymous wrote:Please go to therapy, for both of your sakes. I could tell my mother didn't like me and it took me decades to get over it.

Same for me.

I did leave and no longer speak to my mom. It was always pretty clear that my mother didn’t like me.

See if you and her can maybe get some help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who are suggesting the daughter needs a psychological evaluation, yes…. But OP does as well.

Not necessarily. If OP is not informed on special needs and their presentation, she can absolutely dislike her difficult child and wonder it came to this.
And even with a known diagnosis, I can tell you I don’t always like my son, now 17!!! I love him, I care for him, but boy is it hard sometimes.

Now perhaps OP has something as well. But perhaps not. I have ADHD. DS gets the HFA from his father.

I think it’s messed up to assign all the blame to the child without looking inward.

Anonymous wrote:To all those who are suggesting the daughter needs a psychological evaluation, yes…. But OP does as well.

Not necessarily. If OP is not informed on special needs and their presentation, she can absolutely dislike her difficult child and wonder it came to this.
And even with a known diagnosis, I can tell you I don’t always like my son, now 17!!! I love him, I care for him, but boy is it hard sometimes.

Now perhaps OP has something as well. But perhaps not. I have ADHD. DS gets the HFA from his father.

To all those who are suggesting the daughter needs a psychological evaluation, yes…. But OP does as well.

Sounds like she needs a psychological evaluation, OP, and that you did not do your due diligence as a parent in previous years.

All the difficult kids I know have either ADHD, some degree of autism, ODD, or a combination of these. My son has ADHD/HFA. He was first diagnosed at 6.

Is daughter that difficult in all realms or just what you see at home? Do her teachers complain about her behavior? Trouble holding a babysitting job? Frequent movement in and out of social circles? Do her grandparents and other relatives that don’t live with you see this too?

Can you name 5 good things about her?

My dd was impossible from day 1. I was going to break. For one of our initial appointments for therapy I made some notes. I wrote all these awful things. And I thought "I'm a horrible person for saying this. There has to be something good" and I started to list them. And they started to flow more easily. Simple things like independence and persistence. And then I thought of examples of those things. And it made me realize more what a cool human she was.

It helps to shift the mindset a bit. This isn't some coworker that you eventually get to walk away from.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a similar issue...get her a neuropsych test.

One of my DDs is difficult, cognitively rigid (hard to change plans) seems to only think from her point of view, doesn't help out the group...I counted down the days for her to go to college.

Turns out she is ASD1 (also called AS1, HFA-->High Functioning Autism, used to be called Asperger's or Aspie)

If you know this, you can attribute behaviors that feel like slights to not her meanness or self-centered-ness, but to her cluelessness.

Also, she can get help to learn how to function better with her brain.

As a side note, a small dose of sertraline can help with cognitive rigidity.

Your kid might have different behaviors, but there could be some neurological reason so it's worth finding out.

+1

NP here. Same. DD is 17, DH and MIL have the exact same rigid traits, and ODD (look it up, it may help). I feel like I am surrounded by negativity and combativeness, general lack of kindness, and zero cooperation. Here is hoping things get better - I don't think people realize how very difficult it can be.

I am at this place with my now 17 year old. I don't hate her OC but can't wait for her to leave for college. For her sake. She isn't pleasant to me, to others in our home, sometimes lies, gets away with doing very little, isn't helpful to the family, makes hurtful remarks under her breathe, and basically does nothing to make herself be pleasant to be around. Like if I met her at work on my first day there, I would make a mental note never to walk by her cubicle again! But I do think people here are quick to encourage therapy and instead forget that at this age kids are pushing naturally boundaries and sometimes even blowing up relationships with those closest to them to maybe make it easier to eventually leave the nest. So what to do? Well, I keep on going. I don't stoop to her level, mind you. I keep my comments to myself, I help her very little to allow for maximum independence, I focus on my younger child, and I smile as much as I can. I try to show compassion even though she shows little to me, because I know her hormones are raging and she doesn't know what the heck is going on with her most of the time. And I hope that in 5-10 years this is all a distant memory.

OP, I have a similar issue...get her a neuropsych test.

One of my DDs is difficult, cognitively rigid (hard to change plans) seems to only think from her point of view, doesn't help out the group...I counted down the days for her to go to college.

Turns out she is ASD1 (also called AS1, HFA-->High Functioning Autism, used to be called Asperger's or Aspie)

If you know this, you can attribute behaviors that feel like slights to not her meanness or self-centered-ness, but to her cluelessness.

Also, she can get help to learn how to function better with her brain.

As a side note, a small dose of sertraline can help with cognitive rigidity.

Your kid might have different behaviors, but there could be some neurological reason so it's worth finding out.