Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:34     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.


I believe this! I can unequivocally say that my eldest sister and middle sister are the favorites. Always provided with what they wanted, given what the asked constantly, allowed to do less at home, etc. yet my parents always claim they treated us all equally.


Everything revolves around my oldest sister and always have. She is automatically listened to, her needs are automatically prioritized. When I try to speak up and get my needs met, I am treated like a spoiled pain in the neck. All I am doing is asking for, like, 25 percent of what she gets.

(Example: my parents have a five bedroom house. I would like one bedroom to sleep in on the holidays with my husband. She wants all four - one for her and her husband, one so each kid can sleep alone in a bedroom. She tells me there isn't enough room for me. My parents nod understandably "because she has kids." My middle sibling just doesn't fight it and winds up getting a hotel room. We either sleep at my aunt's or sleep on the pullout in the den which the kids stream into when they wake up. I am considered a brat for asking for one bedroom or for the kids to stay out of the den till after eight am.)
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:31     Subject: Re:Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
I’m my dad’s favorite and my older brother is probably my mom’s favorite. That leaves my younger brother as no one’s favorite. I only have one child, so obviously he’s my favorite.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:29     Subject: Re:Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I tell DD she is my favorite daughter, my son he’s my favorite boy. DD thinks ‘everything should be even Steven’ down the line, my son is a different personality and can’t multi task, think on his feet like his sister. Her Polarizing personality is hurting our relationship.


So basically you baby him and make your daughter do more for herself, including most likely chores?

Stop making your daughter do more. That's not fair. She is right.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:25     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.


I believe this! I can unequivocally say that my eldest sister and middle sister are the favorites. Always provided with what they wanted, given what the asked constantly, allowed to do less at home, etc. yet my parents always claim they treated us all equally.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:16     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Well I don’t know if I really am the favorite but both my siblings are convinced of it. They’re both half siblings so they didn’t grow up with each other. I’m also much older than both of them so I think they’re just mistaking being parented like children for being less favored, while my parents treated me more like a friend in their living memory, because I was an adult.

I have 3 kids and I don’t understand having a favorite among them just because they’re all so different. I like l them each for different reasons! It’s like comparing my favorite pizza to my favorite ice cream.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:10     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:I have told my kids that my goal is to die with each of them convinced they were my favorite. So far it has worked; I even overheard them arguing over it, each saying how they know they are my favorite.

So do I have a favorite? Sure. Each of them has been my favorite at different points; it changes frequently. I’m just happy to leave them all guessing.


That is so nice, you made me cry. We were clearly and obviously ranked 1, 2 and 3. I was 2. Impossible to get over how my dad treated number 3.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 19:05     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I was the golden child but my sister was the favorite. They thought I was smarter and going farther but gave her everything she wanted and coddled her so much more, even into adult. And would never admit it, ever.


You know, my dad has two sisters and they were given a lot more than he was. It turned out my dad was more academically advanced than them, more athletic, etc. So the golden child. But they gave him less because they had confidence he could make his own way.


I’m the person you quoted. Maybe I could understand the financial part, but it’s more the extra visits, and the extra attention to her kids over mine. It hurts.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 18:27     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:I was the golden child but my sister was the favorite. They thought I was smarter and going farther but gave her everything she wanted and coddled her so much more, even into adult. And would never admit it, ever.


You know, my dad has two sisters and they were given a lot more than he was. It turned out my dad was more academically advanced than them, more athletic, etc. So the golden child. But they gave him less because they had confidence he could make his own way.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 18:25     Subject: Re:Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
I was an only child, so for me it was a non-issue. I do have a favorite child. I don't know why he's my favorite exactly, but when I see him, it makes my heart happy in a different way than when I see the others. No, I don't tell any of them They jokingly fight with each other about who's the favorite and pick obscure reasons why. When I got asked who I'd save if I could only save one, I said whoever was holding the dog, because then I'd be saving two lives. They were very disappointed this question did not lead to a reveal of my favorite child.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 13:50     Subject: Re:Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
I do not have a favorite child, even in private. They are very different and I love them both.

I was not the favorite child, but I was the child that had higher expectations placed on them. I did not meet those expectations.

My parents did okay with not showing it when we were growing up, but it became more evident as we became adults and in the way they treated us as adults. My sister and I were both goodie two shoes, but I was the harder to parent child and that seemed to have repercussions.

It makes me sad, but there is nothing I can do. They are both gone now. Based on experience and hearing from others about their parents, they were very good parents and I had a decent childhood.

Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 13:23     Subject: Re:Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I tell DD she is my favorite daughter, my son he’s my favorite boy. DD thinks ‘everything should be even Steven’ down the line, my son is a different personality and can’t multi task, think on his feet like his sister. Her Polarizing personality is hurting our relationship.


OP, you need to spend more time 1:1 with just your daughter. Make a weekly date with her to do something, take her on a weekend trip, etc
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 13:20     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
I was the golden child but my sister was the favorite. They thought I was smarter and going farther but gave her everything she wanted and coddled her so much more, even into adult. And would never admit it, ever.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 13:09     Subject: Re:Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
I was not the favorite child and one thing I've learned in therapy is that there is no good reason why. I was a good kid. They liked my sister better and they paid more attention to my brothers because they were squeaky wheels. There was nothing wrong with me but that's how it worked out.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 13:06     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I have a twice exceptional son with very frustrating special needs, and a daughter who is neurotypical. We all get annoyed at my son. Yet he's immeasurably gentle and patient (and utterly oblivious to time and social exigencies - always late, socially inappropriate, etc). My daughter is feisty but quick-witted, and so much more functional: she gets angry, but it blows away quickly. She can do more in 5 minutes than her brother can in several hours, so whenever I need help, who am I going to really count on, even if I ask both of them? Not to mention, she's 5 years younger...

We are all aware of this dynamic. My son knows he annoys us daily. My daughter knows she's the competent one. It's just too glaring and obvious to hide, so we don't hide it. Yet I tell them both I love them. I want them to do their best with the skills they have, and I am proud of both of their efforts. Twice exceptionality is extremely challenging to parent, since you can never be sure what a child is capable of. It's very hard on us, and on him. So we do give each other some grace and try to be tolerant.


DP. Growing up my family dynamic was similar. My brother was exceptionally gifted but very immature, and did poorly in school b/c he was so focused on play. I was the younger daughter who was responsible, mature beyond my age, good student, not causing trouble, etc. My brother and I both knew I was my parents' favorite. Brother didn't care. I was bummed because parents praised brother often for his intelligence but not mine.


PP you replied to. I suppose your parents didn't know there's IQ, EQ and executive functioning. I can't comment on the IQ, since my daughter has not been evaluated, but her EQ and executive function are significantly higher than her brother's. My husband and I are scientists, so there are things that we like to talk about. It's not like any of us can help being who we are. All we expect is reasonable effort.
Anonymous
Post 03/16/2023 12:52     Subject: Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?
I don't. I have two girls. I have a different dynamic with my older daughter though. We are very similar and are close. My mom actually called me on it and I was glad she did. I didn't realize my younger daughter felt left out at times. I felt just terrible and have made an effort to connect with her one on one. We even talked about it once and I think it helped.

I consider myself infinitely lucky to have them both.