Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

Oh did your child just start Blessed Sacrament?

Anonymous wrote:I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

It is so a thing.
As a European expat living in Bethesda (now no longer) I was treated like a total outsider for the whole decade I lived in a house I owned. People would say crazy stuff like "are you going HOME this summer?" and I'd be like, er, no, this is my home. Gatekeeping, just a variation.

Anonymous wrote:I've experienced this but never thought of it as gatekeeping.

I think these are the kinds of things you are talking about:

I am chatting with Person A (who I don't know terribly well but we're having a nice time) and Person B comes over and starts a conversation with Person A where I am cut out and can't participate and am left standing there. Usually insider stuff about their kids and teams, etc.

I have met Person C a couple of times and when I see Person C sitting with a group they don't bother to even wave hello and say hi when I walk right by the group and they obviously see me.

This kind of thing right?

I have always just thought these people are rude a-holes and never thought of it as gatekeeping. I think they are doing me a favor by showing me who they are. And then I go hang out with people who are not like that.

Wow, I just had the first thing happen to me yesterday at my kid's game! It's so awkward because we were sitting on a bench together chatting. I didn't know if I should leave or what.

I’ve experienced this a few times as an adult. It honestly floored me because I don’t remember this happening in my friend groups in high school and college (maybe because I was in more co-ed company, or was oblivious since my core friends weren’t like that?).

The worst were some women in a moms group I joined when I was new to the area. I learned much later that they were secretly evaluating new members, buddying up to some of them to get dirt on them, and then use them as pawns. These were all moms in their 30s. I quit the club rather abruptly due to the gatekeeping and gossiping. Not surprisingly, one of them reached out “to check on me”, then spread lies when I didn’t respond. Good riddance!

Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

I have heard of professional gatekeepers to academia and other fields.

What exactly are they keeping you from?

Maybe they like to smoke pot after their kids game, and they're not sure if you would.

Friends of mine started dating a few years back. She was an assistant principal of a middle school. I went to college with her. I worked with her husband. She was a single mom.

After her kid's birthday party, when most guests were gone, they passed around a bong. LoL.

Seriously. I imagine that is why I am not automatically included in friend groups.

I've experienced this but never thought of it as gatekeeping.

I think these are the kinds of things you are talking about:

I am chatting with Person A (who I don't know terribly well but we're having a nice time) and Person B comes over and starts a conversation with Person A where I am cut out and can't participate and am left standing there. Usually insider stuff about their kids and teams, etc.

I have met Person C a couple of times and when I see Person C sitting with a group they don't bother to even wave hello and say hi when I walk right by the group and they obviously see me.

This kind of thing right?

I have always just thought these people are rude a-holes and never thought of it as gatekeeping. I think they are doing me a favor by showing me who they are. And then I go hang out with people who are not like that.

It is based on insecurity I've observed. The gatekeeping people do stuff like always mention stuff they did in years past with the friend group to make you feel unwelcome/remind you of your place. Also, I observe that they gossip about others, so I assume they would gossip about me too if I weren't standing there. The cues used to gatekeep can be subtle but are very real. The sad thing is that is keeps them and others from enriching their lives by expanding their circle. I find it exhausting to keep trying to be included, so I just stay civil and look elsewhere for friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think part of it is social engineering their kids' ranking.

The kids do the same, that’s true. Sadly, there’s nothing special about the kids either. They’re normal kids. It’s all in the heads of the mothers, and unfortunately it rubs off on the kids and they think they’re special. DC really doesn’t like the team mates except for the two friends she has on the team. I totally get why.

I notice this way more with kids. The wild thing is that dynamics change and kids begging to be included are excluding others months later. The most inclusive kids don't seem to form as deep of bonds but have a constant circle of friends. I agree with pp about nursing homes too, this is life.

I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of middle aged? This happens at all ages.

Yeah the nursing home cliques can be brutal.

My 85 year old parents live in an apartment complex for 65+. It's mostly people aged 75+. There's lots of social activities and daily continental breakfast, so they're intermingling a lot. And yes, the cliques are bad. There's tons of gossip and gatekeeping going on. They thought about moving but their friends in other places said don't bother, it's like that everywhere.

I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

Anonymous wrote:I think part of it is social engineering their kids' ranking.

The kids do the same, that’s true. Sadly, there’s nothing special about the kids either. They’re normal kids. It’s all in the heads of the mothers, and unfortunately it rubs off on the kids and they think they’re special. DC really doesn’t like the team mates except for the two friends she has on the team. I totally get why.

I think part of it is social engineering their kids' ranking.