Anonymous
03/06/2023 15:53
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
OP, I get it. I grew up with some local cousins, too, and have very fond memories of our boisterous Thanksgivings and how great my aunt and uncle were.
But PPs are right in that if you want these things for your kids, you’ll need to organize them. The fact that your mother isn’t the matriarch her mother was suggests that either that’s not who she is or that she didn’t like their mother bringing everyone together as strongly as she did. She’s chosen a different way.
Local family isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be, at least not for the adults. What’s keeping you from scheduling a vacation with your siblings? Or establishing new family traditions with them? People often really romanticize “having local family” without appreciating the challenges that can go into that. IME, setting and maintaining boundaries with my local family is yet another full-time job, on top of the one I do for pay and the other of raising my kids.
But PPs are right in that if you want these things for your kids, you’ll need to organize them. The fact that your mother isn’t the matriarch her mother was suggests that either that’s not who she is or that she didn’t like their mother bringing everyone together as strongly as she did. She’s chosen a different way.
Local family isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be, at least not for the adults. What’s keeping you from scheduling a vacation with your siblings? Or establishing new family traditions with them? People often really romanticize “having local family” without appreciating the challenges that can go into that. IME, setting and maintaining boundaries with my local family is yet another full-time job, on top of the one I do for pay and the other of raising my kids.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 15:51
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Family reunions are the absolute worst and my husband's side has a few every single year. A few old people love them but I'm sorry. I hate having to rearrange sports schedules and vacation schedules to accommodate these activities that even my husband hates. There is no am hell. I would ever continue planning them after mother-in-law dies.
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
Um, you are accepting their "summons" as summons. You can just as easily treat it as an invitation, and go when you want to and decline when you don't want to. And what? And then what? Your MIL will hold you at gunpoint and frog-march you into the car? Your FIL will disinherit your husband? MIL will go to a voodoo priestess and lay a centuries-long curse on your lineage? What would the consequence be? And even if there is an emotional "consequence" like silent treatment or distancing, who the hell cares? All that would be is proof you made the right call.
Be thankful you've never had to deal with family who literally only offers summons and never invitations. And perhaps your husband has a bigger backbone than most on this message board.
They can call it a summons all they want. They have no legal recourse if you don’t show up. Even if your husband caves, YOU don’t have to get in the car. Stop whining about your own choices.
I don't think anyone has said they are forced to gunpoint to go to family events. Only answering OP's question that some families still do these events but the posters do not enjoy them. Doesn't mean you never go to family things. I attend Stuff at work and for my family I don't enjoy all the time .......do I wish we had more of that. No, I don't.....
Anonymous
03/06/2023 15:49
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Family reunions are the absolute worst and my husband's side has a few every single year. A few old people love them but I'm sorry. I hate having to rearrange sports schedules and vacation schedules to accommodate these activities that even my husband hates. There is no am hell. I would ever continue planning them after mother-in-law dies.
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
Chill the f out. I know who you keep yelling at but it doesn't seem like anyone is whining. Seems like people are saying they really don't care for these family events that OP really seems to miss. It doesn't mean no one goes to them or can't say no to them. 🙄
Not one person on here is said they are forced at gunpoint to go to a family event.
Um, you are accepting their "summons" as summons. You can just as easily treat it as an invitation, and go when you want to and decline when you don't want to. And what? And then what? Your MIL will hold you at gunpoint and frog-march you into the car? Your FIL will disinherit your husband? MIL will go to a voodoo priestess and lay a centuries-long curse on your lineage? What would the consequence be? And even if there is an emotional "consequence" like silent treatment or distancing, who the hell cares? All that would be is proof you made the right call.
Be thankful you've never had to deal with family who literally only offers summons and never invitations. And perhaps your husband has a bigger backbone than most on this message board.
They can call it a summons all they want. They have no legal recourse if you don’t show up. Even if your husband caves, YOU don’t have to get in the car. Stop whining about your own choices.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 15:41
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Family reunions are the absolute worst and my husband's side has a few every single year. A few old people love them but I'm sorry. I hate having to rearrange sports schedules and vacation schedules to accommodate these activities that even my husband hates. There is no am hell. I would ever continue planning them after mother-in-law dies.
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
Um, you are accepting their "summons" as summons. You can just as easily treat it as an invitation, and go when you want to and decline when you don't want to. And what? And then what? Your MIL will hold you at gunpoint and frog-march you into the car? Your FIL will disinherit your husband? MIL will go to a voodoo priestess and lay a centuries-long curse on your lineage? What would the consequence be? And even if there is an emotional "consequence" like silent treatment or distancing, who the hell cares? All that would be is proof you made the right call.
Be thankful you've never had to deal with family who literally only offers summons and never invitations. And perhaps your husband has a bigger backbone than most on this message board.
They can call it a summons all they want. They have no legal recourse if you don’t show up. Even if your husband caves, YOU don’t have to get in the car. Stop whining about your own choices.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 15:28
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Yes, I think most people know that you don't actually have to attend every family function just because you are invited. I think it is important to point out that some families are much more accepting and honor other plans more so than some other families do. As an adult, I don't need to be guilt-tripped or pressured or made to feel badly for choices that my immediate family has made.
That's a huge turn off and annoying. So yes, some families are very open and accepting that sometimes people can make it and other times they can't while other families hold it over your head in perpetuity. And that is just exhausting.
So to answer OP's question no. I don't want the same family dynamic I grew up with because it was exhausting and annoying.
That's a huge turn off and annoying. So yes, some families are very open and accepting that sometimes people can make it and other times they can't while other families hold it over your head in perpetuity. And that is just exhausting.
So to answer OP's question no. I don't want the same family dynamic I grew up with because it was exhausting and annoying.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 15:26
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Family reunions are the absolute worst and my husband's side has a few every single year. A few old people love them but I'm sorry. I hate having to rearrange sports schedules and vacation schedules to accommodate these activities that even my husband hates. There is no am hell. I would ever continue planning them after mother-in-law dies.
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
Um, you are accepting their "summons" as summons. You can just as easily treat it as an invitation, and go when you want to and decline when you don't want to. And what? And then what? Your MIL will hold you at gunpoint and frog-march you into the car? Your FIL will disinherit your husband? MIL will go to a voodoo priestess and lay a centuries-long curse on your lineage? What would the consequence be? And even if there is an emotional "consequence" like silent treatment or distancing, who the hell cares? All that would be is proof you made the right call.
Be thankful you've never had to deal with family who literally only offers summons and never invitations. And perhaps your husband has a bigger backbone than most on this message board.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 14:44
Subject: Re:Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.
It's not that previous generations made an effort to stay in a region. It was just harder before the rise of the internet to find jobs outside of your city or region. Let's say you graduated from the University of Michigan in 1970. Your potential jobs would come from things like job fairs on campus, and alumni network connections, which means your potential first job would be in places like Detroit, Cleveland, and Chicago. You wouldn't even know how to apply to a job in a place like Los Angeles or Seattle.
Now, you can apply for a job anywhere in the country, or the world, even.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:54
Subject: Re:Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.
This is what I did, and I’m now second guessing it. I’m encouraging my kids to at least consider settling down in the town we live in now, making it clear I will be a very helpful grandma when the time comes.
OK. So you know your kids want to get married, and you know your kids want children, AND you know your kids will be able to have children? Wow, go buy a lottery ticket since you can see into the future.
This is such a surefire way to get them to create emotional or physical distance from you--or both.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:52
Subject: Re:Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:It's obvious the previous generation made the effort to stay in the same regional area.
Today most people don't bat an eye about moving across the country for a job. Lots of college students expect to move to the locale of their first job. I only know of a few people who dated with the intent to settle with someone from their home region. Most people date without that criteria, then marry and have kids and it becomes an effort if not an issue to move near one of their families - if this is even remotely possible.
This is what I did, and I’m now second guessing it. I’m encouraging my kids to at least consider settling down in the town we live in now, making it clear I will be a very helpful grandma when the time comes.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:52
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
I am the opposite.
My immediate family are all criminals and not safe to have around my family.
i thought my DH family would be a place my family could find the whole cousins/family thing. Nope MIL hated me wrong side of the tracks.
So my kids have family friends as family.
Makes me sad some days. More from my side. If they weren
t criminals then life would have been different.
My immediate family are all criminals and not safe to have around my family.
i thought my DH family would be a place my family could find the whole cousins/family thing. Nope MIL hated me wrong side of the tracks.
So my kids have family friends as family.
Makes me sad some days. More from my side. If they weren
t criminals then life would have been different.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:49
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:Family reunions are the absolute worst and my husband's side has a few every single year. A few old people love them but I'm sorry. I hate having to rearrange sports schedules and vacation schedules to accommodate these activities that even my husband hates. There is no am hell. I would ever continue planning them after mother-in-law dies.
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
Um, you are accepting their "summons" as summons. You can just as easily treat it as an invitation, and go when you want to and decline when you don't want to. And what? And then what? Your MIL will hold you at gunpoint and frog-march you into the car? Your FIL will disinherit your husband? MIL will go to a voodoo priestess and lay a centuries-long curse on your lineage? What would the consequence be? And even if there is an emotional "consequence" like silent treatment or distancing, who the hell cares? All that would be is proof you made the right call.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:44
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Family reunions are the absolute worst and my husband's side has a few every single year. A few old people love them but I'm sorry. I hate having to rearrange sports schedules and vacation schedules to accommodate these activities that even my husband hates. There is no am hell. I would ever continue planning them after mother-in-law dies.
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
If he wants to, he can.
As for my side of the family, we get together when it works but people are invited not summoned to attend. If I plan something I tell people we're doing it this day and time. If you can make it great if not okay.
Just because you are family, I don't think you should be obligated to spend weekends every month together. In this busy day and age I've got too much on my plate to add more social events that I'm obligated to attend that. I'm sorry are just not that much fun
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:07
Subject: Re:Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
I didn’t have this growing up because my parents who are unfortunately still married hated each other. What’s I’ve done now is create my own village with friends and neighbors and now we celebrate a lot of things together. We always have some sort of party to look forward to. Easter, Friendsgiving, cookie decorating, BBQs.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:03
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
Anonymous wrote:I just don't care. If I'm invited to something and we are free sure I'll show up but I'm not going to spend weeks and months. Trying to play on these get togethers because I really don't care. I'm busy enough of my life without trying to fill up a social calendar with family events that view people actually enjoy.
Same here.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 09:43
Subject: Family dynamics not what I thought they would be
I just don't care. If I'm invited to something and we are free sure I'll show up but I'm not going to spend weeks and months. Trying to play on these get togethers because I really don't care. I'm busy enough of my life without trying to fill up a social calendar with family events that view people actually enjoy.