I say this not so nicely, OP. You are an ugly person and you may need to stop and think why the universe isn’t allowing you to produce a child. You are not happy for her. You are jealous. Maybe they can spend that money easily and you are struggling to afford one round. Maybe your husband thinks it’s not worth it to spend that much money on someone so broken as you, inside and out. Let that family be.

Anonymous wrote:I'm happy for a friend that after 7 years of infertility, over 10 rounds of IVF with and without donor eggs and a surrogate they finally have a baby but I'm pretty sure it's amounted to 200K or more for a baby that isn't biologically hers. Would you do the same?

I feel like at somepoint I would pursue adoption because it's essentially the same. (Fwiw I'm currently undergoing IVF and am already hesitant to spend the cost on it.)

Then just be happy for her. It sounds like you know very little about her actual journey OR adoption.

Nope. I would accept my infertility and move on with my life.

Going through IVF right now and won't do donor egg which is causing issues with my DH. I don't understand why women are so willing to carry just so their husband's genes can carry on. For those saying infertile men did this, injecting semen is a lot less work than going through the DE process - educate yourself. Also, in that case if my DH had wanted to go adoption route I would have understood the logic, not sure if I would make peace as I am not in that position.

For those that are saying you don't know what you get with adoption, this is true with DE. How well do you really think they vet donors? I agree with you OP, but this is your friends decision and obviously you're not confronting her about these choices but understand wanting to compare notes and talk it out, especially when in same boat. Seven rounds of IVF sounds devastating for your friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what I would do. I would try not to judge.

+1 this is really mean spirited OP.

+1 it doesn’t sound like something a friend would say. I’m sure they have anguished over this and each time they spent money they thought it was going to be the solution. It’s not an accurate representation at all. And I think I’d probably do the same thing if push came to shove I would keep trying if I had the money. Adoption isn’t easy and having worked in that arena I’ve seen how difficult it can be on many levels.

Frankly, though, it seems like par for the course for being a woman. You'll pay dearly for your husband to have a biological child. At the end of the day the outcome for you would be the same.

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is a very uncertain road as well. You don't know if/when you will be picked.

Also it wasn't $200k at the outset for this outcome. So the question doesn't make sense in the abstract.

It was definitely at least 100K to move forward with the surrogate step alone.

Honestly, as a woman, if feels unfair. It's biologically her husband's but not hers.

What is the worth of a child?

Priceless

Anonymous wrote:I have gay friends in NYC who paid a lot for a surrogate to carry twins. One egg fertlized by one man’s sperm, a second egg fertlized by the other man’s sperm (the dads are different races thus the children are visibly different races).

I don’t even want to know how much they paid, but I’m sure it was hundreds of thousands. They can afford it.

But that's biologically their children.

Ignorant questions and many ignorant responses here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what I would do. I would try not to judge.

+1 this is really mean spirited OP.

+1 it doesn’t sound like something a friend would say. I’m sure they have anguished over this and each time they spent money they thought it was going to be the solution. It’s not an accurate representation at all. And I think I’d probably do the same thing if push came to shove I would keep trying if I had the money. Adoption isn’t easy and having worked in that arena I’ve seen how difficult it can be on many levels.

Anonymous wrote:“Just adopt” was an option 30 years ago. It’s NOT now. Do you know anyone who has pursued adoption lately? There are way, way more families interested in adopting than there are babies to adopt. In many cases, it’s basically not an option.

One friend of mine spoke to several adoption agencies in her area (not local) and was told that there are 25 families that have paid the fees, done the home visits, jumped through all the hoops, and are now approved for every one baby that is put up for adoption.

I have another friend, local, who was told she could only adopt if she was open to adopting a baby who had been exposed to drugs or alcohol prenatally. She did move forward, and was able to successfully adopt a baby from a mom with some drug use. So far, baby seems great and healthy, but obviously, there’s no telling what the future holds.

These are married, stable, high income, loving homes.

So yeah, if I had the money, I’d do it. It’s probably your only way to have a baby.

I have a friend that’s doing this too. She’s been waiting 3 years and every year has to go through the recertification process all over again.

You don’t sound happy for your friends, OP. You sound very judgey.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what I would do. I would try not to judge.

+100

I have gay friends in NYC who paid a lot for a surrogate to carry twins. One egg fertlized by one man’s sperm, a second egg fertlized by the other man’s sperm (the dads are different races thus the children are visibly different races).

I don’t even want to know how much they paid, but I’m sure it was hundreds of thousands. They can afford it.

I know a number of people who have adopted, plus gay couples who have used surrogates where only one of them contributed genetic material, and I'm sure some of them spent close to that. They really wanted to be parents, and to a person they are good parents (likely because they really wanted it). So it seems like a perfectly valid choice to me. I wasn't in a position where that was a choice presented to me, so it's hard to know what I would have done. I'm very happy with my journey to motherhood and it was the right one for me, but obviously it's very individual and I wouldn't assume that my path is the only valid one, or that someone else's path is somehow inferior to mine.