OP I get it. My mother has always tried to manipulate me by bragging about the golden Child and Golden cousins' successes. I just assumed I was garbage my whole life. So So I built a nice live and am doing well and happily married.

The Goldens are a mess, but they still can do no wrong. Here is a strange example. I went through 2 stages where I told normal kid lies. As a toddler if you asked me who ate the cookies I would have an elaborate story about cookie monster sneaking into the house and as a teen i lied about trying beer with a friend-didn't get drunk, took 2 sips and hated it, but she smelled it and I lied. Nothing major. She still tells these stories and makes me sound like a criminal and goes on and on about how moral the Golden was.

Golden has done something highly corrupt at her job and my mother had the nerve to expect me to comfort her for dealing with the consequences-the logical and reasonable consequences and she is still considered the Golden. I operate with the upmost integrity at work and in life and no way am I comforting someone who deserved even more severe consequences.

Golden Cousin got in trouble for the SEC at a financial job. Still golden. Still considered the epitome of morality. It was apparently all a big mistake in her mind.

When she gushes about these people I just tune out and give a few distant "uh...huhs" and roll my eyes to myself. I don't respect her so i don't need to prove anything.

Good luck OP!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take Schadenfreude for $1000, Blossom.

Definitely this, but I can’t tell if OP’s schadenfreude is directed at her mom or her golden child relative. I’m leaning toward her mom.

That's because mom/sister are a system, it's not one or the other, it's a dysfunctional dynamic that has hurt OP. She doesn't speak to the sister, but her mom is still trying to use the sister to hurt her. The sister, well, she doesn't know she was raised to be a weapon, but she's good at it anyway.

OP is not a bad person. She's a person who is realizing that her mother, who's supposed to love and cherish her, does not. Obviously, emotions will be strong, negative and confusing!

Not you, PP, but I would love to see how well the other, hyper-critical PPs would deal with this situation in their own lives. Lack of understanding conveys stupidity. Intelligence is required for empathy. I am sorry for simple minded ignorance, it does the world no good.

OP, I get it. I can't tell you what's right for you. Personally, I cut loose my mother when I realized she did not love and/or is incapable of it. I didn't want that in my child's life. The responsibility for my child freed me of the feeling of obligation toward my mother.

Many people can't stand the truth, don't want to hear about real crap that happens ... sorry, can't help those people! You'll have critics no matter what you do. But whose opinions matter?

You sound like an utter fool. You and OP both need to stop letting your dysfunctional families of origin play such a big role in your adult life and work on moving on instead of dedicating so much time to admiring the problems that come with dysfunctional families of origin. Including carefully crafting a worldview in which everyone who thinks you should move on lacks empathy, intelligence, understanding, personal experience with familial dysfunction, and all the other things you’re projecting on everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:Sibling. It's her sibling.

Yeah, OP, why can’t you just admit this? It’s important context.

Also what were the setbacks?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take Schadenfreude for $1000, Blossom.

Definitely this, but I can’t tell if OP’s schadenfreude is directed at her mom or her golden child relative. I’m leaning toward her mom.

That's because mom/sister are a system, it's not one or the other, it's a dysfunctional dynamic that has hurt OP. She doesn't speak to the sister, but her mom is still trying to use the sister to hurt her. The sister, well, she doesn't know she was raised to be a weapon, but she's good at it anyway.

OP is not a bad person. She's a person who is realizing that her mother, who's supposed to love and cherish her, does not. Obviously, emotions will be strong, negative and confusing!

Not you, PP, but I would love to see how well the other, hyper-critical PPs would deal with this situation in their own lives. Lack of understanding conveys stupidity. Intelligence is required for empathy. I am sorry for simple minded ignorance, it does the world no good.

OP, I get it. I can't tell you what's right for you. Personally, I cut loose my mother when I realized she did not love and/or is incapable of it. I didn't want that in my child's life. The responsibility for my child freed me of the feeling of obligation toward my mother.

Many people can't stand the truth, don't want to hear about real crap that happens ... sorry, can't help those people! You'll have critics no matter what you do. But whose opinions matter?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hey, Mom, bad things happened to Larla. You brag about her, but she lost her job and her husband has cancer. Hahahahaha!"

How stupid does that sound?

This is how I feel, minus the haha. I don’t find it funny. I don’t find it anything. I just find it - - something - - that my mother loves to brag for the sake of bragging but is silent about this since it’s not brag worthy. It’s not fun for me.

Listen to yourself. You don’t find it “anything” but you do find it “something”?? Stop BSing yourself. You are finding delight in it but you can’t admit it because your ego won’t let you.

You are not the bigger person. You are pathetic and small.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t sound like a good person.

Bs. She sounds like a normal person with normal emotions.

OP,

I give you full permission to release your schadenfreude.

Mention it to your mother, to your other relatives, etc. Whatever you want to do. Just know your limits, because since you're a good person, I know you'll feel bad afterward.

Sibling. It's her sibling.

Anonymous wrote:How fun to say braggadocious.

Do you listen to Chery and Tig's podcast OP?
Braggadocios alert!

I would definitely ask mom how Larla is doing, just to rub it into Mom (but not Larla.)

Anonymous wrote:I'll take Schadenfreude for $1000, Blossom.

Definitely this, but I can’t tell if OP’s schadenfreude is directed at her mom or her golden child relative. I’m leaning toward her mom.

I get it OP! And would feel the same in your situation. Would you feel comfortable saying something like “I know X has been through some big ups and downs this year. Regardless, I’d prefer not to speak about her and you know this. Do you think that is doable, or do I need to re-evaluate how I engage with you and the rest of the family?”

Relationships with boundary-stompers are hard. But honestly, deep down, we know there is an element of cruelty and selfishness to the way they choose to exist in the world (and not just them being oblivious). Do what you feel is best for you long-term.

I'll take Schadenfreude for $1000, Blossom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hey, Mom, bad things happened to Larla. You brag about her, but she lost her job and her husband has cancer. Hahahahaha!"

How stupid does that sound?

This is how I feel, minus the haha. I don’t find it funny. I don’t find it anything. I just find it - - something - - that my mother loves to brag for the sake of bragging but is silent about this since it’s not brag worthy. It’s not fun for me.

But that is what bragging is for….. to say the positive things. It would be gossipy for her to call just to tell you the set backs and negative things. But I suppose you would like that.

Would you like it if your mom constantly told this person all the not good things about you? She wouldn’t, because it’s not fun.

I don’t want to hear anything about this person at all, no discussion good or bad, I tell my mom as much and I repeat it when she disrespects my boundary. I don’t want to hear anything. But I do hear good and bad from friends, and I either share their joy or considerate with them. I just feel my mother brags about this person to spite me, and yeah, it hurts. She knows how this person has hurt me in the past and she doesn’t care.

You sound awful, OP.