Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:53     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.


OP, this is exactly what I would have said but, after 20 years of marriage, DH has finally gotten me to see that men do not respond well to statements like this, because - to them - it sounds passive aggressive.

You were being nice, I know. What you perhaps should have said was, "Hey DH. Would you please take DC to the park or somewhere else - just out of the house - for a couple of hours this afternoon, preferably before 4:00, so that I can get to the project I need to finish up."

You have to be blunt.


It is passive aggressive, and it should not take 20 years to figure that out.

You would not find a direct answer to the question, really intended as a command, acceptable if the answer was "No."

It is not about being blunt. It is about being direct. Passive aggressive people avoid directness and prefer a manipulative communication style to avoid their own accountability.

OP did not want to explain why she was behind on a work project requiring her to do make up work on the weekend at home, nor why she failed to advance plan the family's weekend with her husband in advance of the weekend. Most likely, OP is disorganized and wastes too much time on social media and internet forums at home and work rather than getting all her work done on time.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:50     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:All the PPs nitpicking at how OP should have worded her request are full of shit. Let us hear all the polite ways DH asked if he could work out this morning with a long explanation of why he really needs it.


He did not need to ask her permission to do that.


Exactly my point. So why does she have to bend over backwards?
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:50     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:I would say "I'm going to the gym" and then go. Don't ask him anything.


OP here. I don't need to go to the gym. I needed to get some work done and the best place to do so is in our house. But when I tried to do some work this morning, DC was all over me. Which is why I suggested DH take DC out of the house. I wasn't being passive aggressive -- it seemed like a good solution for everyone except maybe DH, but he had gotten a lot of time to relax so I guess I was not prioritizing his needs in that moment.

I think I'm over it. PPs are right that he needs to just get over it too -- it was 100% his turn and if he didn't want to go to the park, he could have suggested something else. DC wasn't even that enthusiastic about the park (it's cold) so I'm sure he could have come up with something else. But that's on him.

I've already wasted too much of my alone time thinking about this, ugh.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:48     Subject: Was this rude of me?
This reminds me of the many times one of us had to take the kids to the pool. “I don’t feel like swimming” is what my DH would always say. WTF. Do you think I feel like putting my flabby self in a swimsuit and get in cold water? But someone has to do it. Same with teaching them how to ride a bike. It sucks but someone had put in the effort.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:47     Subject: Was this rude of me?
He is a lazy and selfish man and an unmotivated father. No amount of nitpicking the OP's wording or criticizing her will change that fact.

OP, I suggest you take a much harder line. Ask him in the morning of every weekend day when he will be available for childcare, and leave the house. You need a hard reset or he will continue to be a man-baby about it. And don't have a second child.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:45     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:All the PPs nitpicking at how OP should have worded her request are full of shit. Let us hear all the polite ways DH asked if he could work out this morning with a long explanation of why he really needs it.


He did not need to ask her permission to do that.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:45     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.


OP, this is exactly what I would have said but, after 20 years of marriage, DH has finally gotten me to see that men do not respond well to statements like this, because - to them - it sounds passive aggressive.

You were being nice, I know. What you perhaps should have said was, "Hey DH. Would you please take DC to the park or somewhere else - just out of the house - for a couple of hours this afternoon, preferably before 4:00, so that I can get to the project I need to finish up."

You have to be blunt.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:44     Subject: Re:Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:Man here, I'd be fine with how you said things. Totally normal and healthy


If you think so, then you must also believe OP when she says she would have been fine had her husband declined her suggestion.

We both know she is lying about that. She would have nagged and whined until he caved.
She is whinging about it right now, seeking validation for her very unhealthy communication style.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:43     Subject: Was this rude of me?
I would say "I'm going to the gym" and then go. Don't ask him anything.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:43     Subject: Was this rude of me?
All the PPs nitpicking at how OP should have worded her request are full of shit. Let us hear all the polite ways DH asked if he could work out this morning with a long explanation of why he really needs it.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:42     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.


Your husband should have responded to your manipulative question as follows:

"That's a great suggestion honey, but no thanks, I don't want to go to the park with our kid. I am perfectly content to continue what I am doing right now."

And then he should have continued doing what he was doing.

He was annoyed at you because you are so manipulative. You were not asking out of consideration for him or your child, but for yourself.




Why can't she have some consideration for herself? He's already been to the gym and watched TV while she did chores and childcare.

He is a lazy and selfish man. He deserves to be tasked, because he's not taking the initiative to be a husband and father. She will gradually lose respect for him, if she hasn't already.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:40     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:Lazy Saturday at home. This morning, DH went to the gym and I stayed home with DC. I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, put away laundry, and cleaned the shower (while also taking a shower). Also helped DC with a craft project and facilitated dance music and got snacks. That's all fine -- zero resentment.

DH was gone about 2 hours (about 90 minutes at gym plus getting there and back). When he got home, he took a shower, relaxed for a while (scrolling Twitter and doing some Duo Lingo while lying on the bed), and then made himself lunch. I made DC and myself lunch.

Then DH decided he wanted to watch some This Old House, so he watched a couple episodes on his computer while DC and I hung out and played/listened to music.

Around 2, I suggested DH take DC to the park. I have had a nice day, but was feeling like I needed a break. I also have a small work project I need to finish over the weekend, which DH knows about. So I said "Hey, maybe you two would like to go to the park, maybe take DC's bike and work on riding? I have some work to finish so I could use some peace and quiet in the house."

Was it rude for me to volunteer DH to take DC out? Should I have approached that in another way? He is acting very put-upon about it. They didn't have to go to the park -- it was just a suggestion. I also would have left to go work at the coffee shop nearby, but it seemed like DC needed to get outside anyway.


Your husband should have responded to your manipulative question as follows:

"That's a great suggestion honey, but no thanks, I don't want to go to the park with our kid. I am perfectly content to continue what I am doing right now."

And then he should have continued doing what he was doing.

He was annoyed at you because you are so manipulative. You were not asking out of consideration for him or your child, but for yourself.


Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:39     Subject: Was this rude of me?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you tasked him instead of asked him. I'd change my approach.


If you don't want to get "tasked" with taking care of your own children and home, then might I suggest taking some initiative to do those things instead of just taking care of all your individual needs while your spouse cleans and prepares meals and does childcare?

If you have an obligation to something (like taking care of your own kid) and you are studiously avoiding it while your partner takes on that obligation, prepare to get tasked. I'm not asking someone to do something they should have done on their own without me even mentioning it.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:38     Subject: Re:Was this rude of me?
Man here, I'd be fine with how you said things. Totally normal and healthy
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2023 15:37     Subject: Was this rude of me?
I don't think it's rude to say you need a break in front of the kid. Everyone needs quiet down time. Or just explain that you need a break from chores. Kids can know that adults need breaks from caregiving.