Yes.

My parents did the best they could and ALSO their best was abusive and neglectful. My parents hit, screamed at, manipulated blamed, ignored, scapegoated, and berated us throughout my childhood. I've spent most of my adult life trying to essentially construct a sense of self-worth from scratch because my parents convinced me I was an inherently bad person with no value or competence during the years when a human being normal develops their sense of self.

I get they did what the could with the tools available to them, which were terrible because they, too had horrible childhoods with abusive parents.

Interestingly, they both grew up in homes with alcoholism but they were not alcoholics and my mom actually does not drink at all. So they did learn something from their childhoods. I just wish they had ALSO learned not to hit their kids and that it was their job as the adults to take responsibility for their own emotions, instead of constantly blaming us for them or pushing them onto us.

I don't know. I guess it would be great to wake up one day with a sense of peace and acceptance about it all. I do have empathy for them. But yes, being a parent has highlighted for me in a very intimate way how harmful my parents were. Also my DH's parents. So much violence and dysfunction and trauma in our family. It's a huge weight on me. I often find myself parenting my child and myself at the same time. There is wonderful healing in that. It also feels so unfair -- I wish my parents had offered me the love, acceptance, patience, and calm that I now provide for my daughter. I'm happy for her and sad for myself, but also happy for myself to at least get to experience a functional family from this angle.

I think when you experience abuse and neglect as a child, and it never gets addressed or resolved for that child, you wind up mourning what the child version of you lost for the rest of your life. Like my parents, I think I've done my best with what was available to me, and fortunately I've found ways to make more and better available to me than they did. But I'll probably always be a little bit angry on behalf of my child self for how she was treated. It was wrong. My parents should have done better. Even if it seemed impossible to them at the time, they should have done better for that child.

I could definitely cut my dad some slack if he showed even the slightest interest in my life or my kids lives as an adult. When my mom was alive we would see him because we’d see her but now that she is dead we barely see him once a year, always initiated by us and he lives 2 hours away. He calls me the month of my birthday - I’m guessing he doesn’t know the actual day.

Yes. I cut off my dad who sexually abused me (mostly covertly but also overtly): I continue to be sickened and mystified at how he was able to do this.

My mother was a mess. She was financially successful but dragged me and my brother though a shotgun wedding (and subsequent divorce - so I experienced TWO divorces before age 18). She was intensely abusive and totally lacked the ability to self-reflect. Still does, although she is less abusive.

My parents failed. I have my weaknesses but recognize that providing love, stability, predictability and safety are my primary responsibilities. My parents did not do this. It makes me angry!

Yes, I see how self-absorbed they were and what it cost me as a child who was vulnerable to predators.

A little. I feel a lot more empathy for my overwhelmed/depressed, mostly SAH mom, but also a lot of frustration at her passivity. She could have easily made her life easier and better, but made conscious, stubborn choices not to speak up for her needs, and her frustration with motherhood affected my own views toward it.

No. I barely think about my parents. I'm too busy.

When your children become teens and tell you everything you did wrong, well maybe then you will feel that empathy towards your own parents. Seriously though I've found it works both ways, some things I understand and forgive more, and others less.

Yes, OP, I feel the same. I always thought that once I had kids myself, I’d finally understand and empathize with my own parents for the many mistakes they made raising us. Nope. It’s the opposite. I feel more upset, angry, disappointed in my parents now that I have kids. But as much as I think I’m doing a way better job as a parent than they did, I still know that I’m making mistakes too as a parent and I hope that one day when my kids are older they won’t find reasons to resent me the way I’m resentful of my parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was mostly a waste of time, very inept at fathering, I certainly saw this more clearly as an adult and have been very fortunate to have married a man who has been a great dad to our kids.

Knowing my own dad's history, meeting my grandfather briefly once, and learning about my dad's childhood in which he lost his mother at about age 10 and was raised by his own very inept father, gave me a little more understanding of what his problems were. Still, I'm glad he died when I was in my 20s, I wouldn't have wanted him involved in my children's lives.

My mother was awesome though and I am very grateful to her for everything she ever did for me or meant to me.

That is a jaw dropping level of callousness. Just for being “inept” and suffering his own traumatic childhood? How are you so sure that you don’t have your own weaknesses that could be harshly judged? It isn’t a requirement to be perfect in order to deserve love and compassion from your own family.

If I gave more details about my father you would understand. Therefore I forgive you for being so nasty to someone you don't know at all for no good reason. BTW all three of my siblings felt the same way when he died.

Anonymous wrote:My dad was mostly a waste of time, very inept at fathering, I certainly saw this more clearly as an adult and have been very fortunate to have married a man who has been a great dad to our kids.

Knowing my own dad's history, meeting my grandfather briefly once, and learning about my dad's childhood in which he lost his mother at about age 10 and was raised by his own very inept father, gave me a little more understanding of what his problems were. Still, I'm glad he died when I was in my 20s, I wouldn't have wanted him involved in my children's lives.

My mother was awesome though and I am very grateful to her for everything she ever did for me or meant to me.

That is a jaw dropping level of callousness. Just for being “inept” and suffering his own traumatic childhood? How are you so sure that you don’t have your own weaknesses that could be harshly judged? It isn’t a requirement to be perfect in order to deserve love and compassion from your own family.

Oh god yes. Every day is a new awakening. I had no idea.

Anonymous wrote:I think parenting makes us all feel more vulnerable and exposed because of all the intense feelings involved in becoming someone’s mom or dad. The saying that your heart is now walking around outside of your body is a wise one. And alongside that vulnerability is the idea that you can see yourself as a kid in the child you are raising. It seems to me like you are feeling sad for the child that you once were, and comparing it to what your own children are blessed enough to receive, and that is an emotional thing for sure. Try to focus on the person you became despite everything, your resilience and strength.

+1 so true and beautifully said

Anonymous wrote:I had an OK childhood, but it was marked by alcoholism and a very stereotypical working dad and mom at home. Dad was gone mostly.

I’ve always had a lot of anger (yes I’m in therapy) but one thing I always said is that I was sure I would find a new perspective and some level of forgiveness once I have my own kids and could understand that context all the better. But now I’m pretty deep into parenting. My oldest is six. And over the years, I’ve just become way more furious with my parents, and realizing how shitty they were to little kids. I see my husband with our kids and just think, why couldn’t my dad even pretend to want to be in the same room with us? How could you do that to a kid?

Anyways, I wonder if anyone out there has had the same experience of getting more angry with their parents instead of more forgiving as they get perspective.

Never personally experienced a similar situation, but my biggest surprise with older parents is that they are so protective of how they did things. Even when you tell them how it affected you, or how it affects you now, they defend their stance to death, as if their life depended on it.

Anonymous wrote:I’m more mad at my mother who portrayed herself as an absolute martyr while working less than either me or my sister do now.

But my dad— who was way above average for 90s dads anyway— is probably in the too .001% of grandfathers so I can’t be mad at him for a second.

My mom is the same. I just ignore it. She can't understand how more demanding the job is for working mothers. No way could she even handle the amount of email there is now, let alone all of the projects. If she was young in 2023, she'd probably be killing it though.

No, tremendously more grateful everyday.