Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the note about your nephew, I wouldn't even bring up the discussion. I would continue to stay elsewhere and visit on your terms.

That said, it isn't a parenting issue. Sounds like a mental health issue that really has no solution and I'd just be thankful to not have to live with that.

I think this is right. Any good suggestions how to ask them to stop doing the “but we got you a room!” act?

As for my nephew, I agree with you that it’s a mental health issue. My father in law thinks it’s a parenting issue. My husband thinks it’s a parenting issue (not treating the mental health issue promptly…) and as I said I really don’t want to kick off another family wide debate about it especially because the outcome is the same.

It's probably a combination of both at this point but they aren't going to change their parenting so your way works well.

I don't know the age of the kid, but earlier treatment doesn't = no mental health issue. But its a moot point, it isn't safe, period. No need to split hairs. No need to engage people baiting you into a fight about the reason why you won't stay. They know, you know. It bothers them obviously, but that doesn't concern you.

Anonymous wrote:We would stay with them if the accommodations were suitable, and the dates work. We’re never asked for our input on accommodations even though we’ve said this a number of times, though, so I read the “but we got a house with rooms for you” as sort of a fake-polite protest. I don’t mind that they don’t care for us to stay, it would be nice if they’d stop the show before I have to explain it to our kids, though.

I am also realizing I may have to tell my in laws I consider one of the cousins potentially unsafe for being around my young children unsupervised (one of the reasons the accommodations are so problematic) because I really don’t want a family-wide referendum on SILs parenting.

NP. You buried the lead here, OP. The bold is the bigger issue. ONE incident where a kid gets hurt (or whatever form the anticipated "unsafe" takes) is one incident too many. And we all know that it only takes a moment for parents to look away, or for younger children, in a strange place like a rental house, to slip away for a moment with a cousin. And so on.

You are not super enthusiastic about staying with the family anyway (and I would not be either, but mostly because I don't like the idea of multi-family house vacations). So don't give them ANY notion that you are open to staying there! Don't waffle or say mushy maybe-we'll-come things like "We'd like some input" when you know the real red flag is the cousin and your concerns. Of course you don't want or need the drama of a dispute over an in-law's parenting or a defense of that cousin. Just do as you have been doing. Better yet? Take your PTO and your money and go somewhere that you, DH and your kids really want to go but haven't seen before!

It IS on your DH to handle this with the in-laws, though. Does DH have your back on this? Does DH agree that (1) cousin IS an issue, (2) there's no real love in you or DH for staying at the big family beach house whether it's for a night or a week, and (3) you should either stay at a hotel if you do go, or maybe make your own fun plans this year--?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the note about your nephew, I wouldn't even bring up the discussion. I would continue to stay elsewhere and visit on your terms.

That said, it isn't a parenting issue. Sounds like a mental health issue that really has no solution and I'd just be thankful to not have to live with that.

I think this is right. Any good suggestions how to ask them to stop doing the “but we got you a room!” act?

As for my nephew, I agree with you that it’s a mental health issue. My father in law thinks it’s a parenting issue. My husband thinks it’s a parenting issue (not treating the mental health issue promptly…) and as I said I really don’t want to kick off another family wide debate about it especially because the outcome is the same.

It's probably a combination of both at this point but they aren't going to change their parenting so your way works well.

Anonymous wrote:Why would they ask your opinion when you made it clear you want to make your own accommodations.

They make their own accommodations for safety reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Okay, it’s weird that you go but stay in a hotel. What “preferences” need accommodation?

We need a room with enough space for four, and a separate bathroom that can be locked. So basically a regular sized hotel room. What we tend to be offered is for my husband and I to sleep in a very small bedroom and our children to share rooms with their cousins, which is a non-starter. I also can’t have a situation where my youngest has to wander around at night to go to the bathroom because she’s still in the “gets lost in a new place” stage.

Has your spouse said: “we need 2 bedrooms near to each other if you want us to stay in the house”.

I’m sure there would be a bathroom nearby if you take up 2 rooms.

We don’t need two rooms. I’m perfectly happy to share with my kids. We need a room big enough for that, with a bathroom which my kids are not sharing with their cousins.

My oldest nephew has sent two of his siblings to the ER with some of his outbursts, we are very cautious about him not being unsupervised with our children.

Hotel no question and heavily supervise. I would not put young kids in a room themselves. I'm with you.

I'd just tell them you prefer the kids are in your room when they are at an unknown place and a hotel meets your needs better. Don't blame the kid even though he's a huge factor.

I hate staying with people and would prefer a hotel.

Why would they ask your opinion when you made it clear you want to make your own accommodations.

Anonymous wrote:Given the issue with your nephew, I wouldn’t stay with them under the same roof regardless of accommodations. Be thankful they are giving you an easy out. Better to have your space and come and go as you please rather than being under one roof with a potentially dangerous and volatile child and constantly having to worry about your kids’ safety. If his parents are also refusing to address his mental health issues, his behavior might get worse and escalate with age, which is another reason not to set the precedent by staying with them under one roof now.

This.

Be careful what you wish for …….. Once you start staying with them, there is no out! Let them plan and then get your hotel room nearby maybe for two nights. Spend all day and meals with them and then return to your peaceful hotel and relax. It is a win win situation. Leave it as is.

Given the issue with your nephew, I wouldn’t stay with them under the same roof regardless of accommodations. Be thankful they are giving you an easy out. Better to have your space and come and go as you please rather than being under one roof with a potentially dangerous and volatile child and constantly having to worry about your kids’ safety. If his parents are also refusing to address his mental health issues, his behavior might get worse and escalate with age, which is another reason not to set the precedent by staying with them under one roof now.

Anonymous wrote:Given the note about your nephew, I wouldn't even bring up the discussion. I would continue to stay elsewhere and visit on your terms.

That said, it isn't a parenting issue. Sounds like a mental health issue that really has no solution and I'd just be thankful to not have to live with that.

I think this is right. Any good suggestions how to ask them to stop doing the “but we got you a room!” act?

As for my nephew, I agree with you that it’s a mental health issue. My father in law thinks it’s a parenting issue. My husband thinks it’s a parenting issue (not treating the mental health issue promptly…) and as I said I really don’t want to kick off another family wide debate about it especially because the outcome is the same.

Given the note about your nephew, I wouldn't even bring up the discussion. I would continue to stay elsewhere and visit on your terms.

That said, it isn't a parenting issue. Sounds like a mental health issue that really has no solution and I'd just be thankful to not have to live with that.

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

Anonymous wrote:Do you pay for the room they get for you but don’t use? If they accommodate you you’ll need to pay.

No, we don’t pay. My SIL doesn’t either. There is not a financial problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the answer to this is just to continue not to participate but I thought I’d ask.

My parents in-law and sister in law select a beach house every year and ask us to join them. We are never consulted about the house, sometimes consulted about the dates. We typically go for a day, maybe stay overnight in a nearby hotel. Every year they say “why don’t you stay with us!?” and do some level of drama about how they “got a house with rooms for us.” Every year I say I like to choose my own accommodations.

If they really wanted us to stay with them, they’d start asking our input into the house right? I think this is just their “polite” protestation but they don’t actually want to select a house with our preferences in mind?

Okay, it’s weird that you go but stay in a hotel. What “preferences” need accommodation?

We need a room with enough space for four, and a separate bathroom that can be locked. So basically a regular sized hotel room. What we tend to be offered is for my husband and I to sleep in a very small bedroom and our children to share rooms with their cousins, which is a non-starter. I also can’t have a situation where my youngest has to wander around at night to go to the bathroom because she’s still in the “gets lost in a new place” stage.

Has your spouse said: “we need 2 bedrooms near to each other if you want us to stay in the house”.

I’m sure there would be a bathroom nearby if you take up 2 rooms.

We don’t need two rooms. I’m perfectly happy to share with my kids. We need a room big enough for that, with a bathroom which my kids are not sharing with their cousins.

My oldest nephew has sent two of his siblings to the ER with some of his outbursts, we are very cautious about him not being unsupervised with our children.

Ok. So say “we need a master bedroom to stay with you, with floor space for the kids”.

Has that been said out loud? My family rents a beach house every year and finding rentals with multiple master suites is not that difficult in some areas.