Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One more thing...re"them hating eachother. Been there. My parents always had a volatile marriage, but dad's illness made mom lose it and become just awful. You try to offer options...dad goes to the community center during the day to do some activity he enjoys or mom does, senior day programs, etc. You can talk to the council on aging for ideas or whatever. You could try to get a geriatric social worker to helo them. Then if they throw out every idea and refuse, you have to detach and let them hate eachother. It is not your job to solve their marital problems. I learned that the hard way. Mom used to threaten to murder dad. Now she visits his grave daily. Some people are just dysfunctional and once again, don't let them bring you down with the ship.

I agree with this and pp's prior comments, and especially with the part that it's not your job to fix their marriage issues.

Thanks for saying this. I am the one person who gets the emotional dump from each of them - exhausting. They are sane enough to make (or not make) their own choices, so I guess I will just wait and see what happens next.

Not the person you are responding to, but one of the other people who dealt with parents not getting along. I made a mistake of being an emotional dumping ground, my whole life, especially as they aged. Really my mother only vented about dad. Dad was more considerate. I tried to rescue and found all sorts of resources, but then I wish I had said "That sounds really frustrating and I can tell you are stressed. I think a therapist or a peer in a support group would be the better person to share this with because I love you both."

Oh and be prepared for this because it happened to me and to a close friend...if dad dies first, mom may make you the new target. I was really floored. I think she got an adrenaline boost from conflict and drama and she needed to create it to get her buzz. She claimed it made her miserable, but her eyes lit up when she threw zingers at me and criticized me. Had to set limits with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One more thing...re"them hating eachother. Been there. My parents always had a volatile marriage, but dad's illness made mom lose it and become just awful. You try to offer options...dad goes to the community center during the day to do some activity he enjoys or mom does, senior day programs, etc. You can talk to the council on aging for ideas or whatever. You could try to get a geriatric social worker to helo them. Then if they throw out every idea and refuse, you have to detach and let them hate eachother. It is not your job to solve their marital problems. I learned that the hard way. Mom used to threaten to murder dad. Now she visits his grave daily. Some people are just dysfunctional and once again, don't let them bring you down with the ship.

I agree with this and pp's prior comments, and especially with the part that it's not your job to fix their marriage issues.

Thanks for saying this. I am the one person who gets the emotional dump from each of them - exhausting. They are sane enough to make (or not make) their own choices, so I guess I will just wait and see what happens next.

Anonymous wrote:One more thing...re"them hating eachother. Been there. My parents always had a volatile marriage, but dad's illness made mom lose it and become just awful. You try to offer options...dad goes to the community center during the day to do some activity he enjoys or mom does, senior day programs, etc. You can talk to the council on aging for ideas or whatever. You could try to get a geriatric social worker to helo them. Then if they throw out every idea and refuse, you have to detach and let them hate eachother. It is not your job to solve their marital problems. I learned that the hard way. Mom used to threaten to murder dad. Now she visits his grave daily. Some people are just dysfunctional and once again, don't let them bring you down with the ship.

NP. Same. Elderly parents hate each other. My mom has dementia, but my dad is convinced that she is faking her forgetfulness. My mom is the one with mobility issues, too. My dad is still spry and and still mentally all there. Both in their 80s.

Luckily my sibling lives nearby so they help out.

My parents' marriage has always been dysfunctional. It's a miracle my marriage is sane.

Anonymous wrote:One more thing...re"them hating eachother. Been there. My parents always had a volatile marriage, but dad's illness made mom lose it and become just awful. You try to offer options...dad goes to the community center during the day to do some activity he enjoys or mom does, senior day programs, etc. You can talk to the council on aging for ideas or whatever. You could try to get a geriatric social worker to helo them. Then if they throw out every idea and refuse, you have to detach and let them hate eachother. It is not your job to solve their marital problems. I learned that the hard way. Mom used to threaten to murder dad. Now she visits his grave daily. Some people are just dysfunctional and once again, don't let them bring you down with the ship.

I agree with this and pp's prior comments, and especially with the part that it's not your job to fix their marriage issues.

There are some assisted living places that offer "companion suites", basically a small apartment with two separate bedrooms and one common space and one shared bathroom. Maybe something like that might be suitable for them? They'd at least have some privacy that way, and it may be affordable for them. Are y'all in the DC area?