I have a limited support network. My husband and kid have ASD. It’s lonely. I hate it when people feel sorry for me. Makes me feel more isolated. I pretty much can only have close relationships with people who “get it” aka others who are in my position.

Your quality of life depends on the quality of your relationships. People need people. Even the tiniest little touchpoints help people feel connected. Regular chit chats with your neighborhood barista. Saying hello to neighbors while you walk the dog. Shooting the breeze with coworkers before a meeting starts. For those without traditional rings of support, these tiny conversations that most people take for granted are important. They create a sense of belonging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

Actually living close to family is not a choice when you’re an only child and your parents are dead.

God, we get it, OP. You have the hardest life of anyone in the world.

Maybe the reason you don’t have a lot of friends is because no one is interested in competing in your grievance Olympics.

Christ, shut the hell up. Nope, not OP here, nor in her position. Be less of a nasty ugly witch to people who are yearning for more connection and have the stones to express that, knowing that gross people like you are eagerly waiting to slap her down.

Honestly OP is talking about being asked a relatively mundane question and having an outsized anger reaction to it that includes wanting to cuss out the person who asked her. I have empathy for moms juggling a lot, I am a mom to three kids under 7 who works full time and has absolutely no local help other than what I can pay for (fortunately we have enough money to pay for preschool and aftercare without struggling). The only people I judge are those who are unkind, and while OP certainly seems to be going through a lot, she doesn't pass the kind test any better than the PP you're responding to.

OP here. I did not make the preschool board comment. Though I can relate to feeling annoyed when people who don’t know you well assume they know what’s “perfect” for you.

We know that certain external supports will help women adjust to motherhood better: being close to family, having support from a spouse, having time off from work. Women can do their best to line these things up, but sometimes the timing of pregnancy or birth can make a person’s best laid plans fail. Maybe you have family close by, but they have to leave to care for an older relative right as your baby is born. Or somebody gets sick. Or a sibling needs their help more. Or maybe your spouse, otherwise supportive, ends up on some kind of project at work that is all-consuming, or ends up sick, or has an accident right as baby is born, etc…

I do think that some people who have all these supports in place and all goes like a well-oiled machine…don’t realize that they have had extraordinary luck and can be a little….self congratulatory? Like “yes, I chose to live near my parents so they could help me out…I did that.” Well, you had some good luck, too, because about a million things could’ve gone sideways.

Then there are the “just bad luck” things: having a highly sensitive/high needs baby, family income (I’m putting this in this category because there are too many factors that can contribute to this and there IS a good dose of luck involved with whether you have money or not), health of baby and mother.

PPD/PPA and other postpartum health and mood disorders are like compounding interest (in a negative way) for new moms. PPD/A in addition to lacking any (or more than one!) of the aforementioned supports is like falling into a 50 ft deep trench with your baby and trying to climb out. These disorders can make the early years of parenthood absolute hell—and aside from the aforementioned supports (which are subject to disruption) there’s not much someone can do to try to predict and head off PPD/PPA before it happens. It’s a “I hope that doesn’t happen to me” situation. It comes for women when they have otherwise not had a history of mood disorders. And it is a particular salt in the wound that, culturally, women are expected to enjoy their babies and that treatments for PPD (therapy, exercise, sleep) can be limited by the baby’s very existence.

But this is life and life is not fair. Some people get cancer and some people don’t. Some people are good looking and some people are not. Some people are born into poor families and some are born into wealthy families. We don’t need to resent mothers who have had good luck because luck is random. But… motherhood is a formative experience for many. And if you’ve had a difficult time, it can feel very lonely. There are things we can do as a culture—and as a country—to help all women with this transition (but especially women who get the short end of the stick). But it’s simply not a priority in America. We have chosen not to support women in this time in their lives, and when you have a difficult experience like it sounds like maybe OP did, that feeling of being ignored is emphasized.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

Actually living close to family is not a choice when you’re an only child and your parents are dead.

God, we get it, OP. You have the hardest life of anyone in the world.

Maybe the reason you don’t have a lot of friends is because no one is interested in competing in your grievance Olympics.

Christ, shut the hell up. Nope, not OP here, nor in her position. Be less of a nasty ugly witch to people who are yearning for more connection and have the stones to express that, knowing that gross people like you are eagerly waiting to slap her down.

Honestly OP is talking about being asked a relatively mundane question and having an outsized anger reaction to it that includes wanting to cuss out the person who asked her. I have empathy for moms juggling a lot, I am a mom to three kids under 7 who works full time and has absolutely no local help other than what I can pay for (fortunately we have enough money to pay for preschool and aftercare without struggling). The only people I judge are those who are unkind, and while OP certainly seems to be going through a lot, she doesn't pass the kind test any better than the PP you're responding to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

Actually living close to family is not a choice when you’re an only child and your parents are dead.

God, we get it, OP. You have the hardest life of anyone in the world.

Maybe the reason you don’t have a lot of friends is because no one is interested in competing in your grievance Olympics.

Christ, shut the hell up. Nope, not OP here, nor in her position. Be less of a nasty ugly witch to people who are yearning for more connection and have the stones to express that, knowing that gross people like you are eagerly waiting to slap her down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s always someone who has it harder than you, including those who aren’t able to have children at all.

Yeah but saying stuff like that doesn’t help anybody.

If you’re having a hard time for any reason, you need to get yourself in therapy. Your feelings are valid and there’s help available.

Being grateful for what you have does help people - it’s a way to reframe your negative thinking.

Constantly comparing yourselves to others, feeling sorry for yourself - stuff like that is what REALLY doesn’t help anybody.

+100 "comparison is a the thief of joy" my favorite saying, practice gratitude, not comparison

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

Actually living close to family is not a choice when you’re an only child and your parents are dead.

But that’s the circle of life. Everybody’s parents age and get sick and die. Some people are tending to sick parents while they tend to young children. That’s not the jackpot either. It’s just life, and life happens to all of us. And we need to have the mental fortitude to deal with that. Of course I’m very sorry that you lost your parents and they can’t be with you on this parenting journey. But even people with “perfect” family set-ups are going to face challenges as parents age.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP I want to be supportive, but you know that the mom next to you who works 60 hours a week also got asked to be on the Board because “it would be so wonderful to have your legal expertise” or something. That’s just the nature of being at a school with a board.

Structuring your life so your stress is manageable is the main goal of adulthood. Of course there’s privilege involved. But it’s also chance. Even if you’re born with a great family, parents get sick and need care rather than giving it. Etc etc.

Nobody cares about the playdates balance. That’s a DCUM myth. I only care that my kid is happy and has nice friends. I don’t care who has hosted what.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these women who judge whether other moms host play dates or volunteer for the pta? Because I've never met any.

A preschool mom asked me the other day if I would be on the preschool board next year. “Perfect position for a stay at home mom”. F&3k you. No. I have zero help. My husband travels constantly. I have 3 kids under 8 including one with special needs. No no no.

Someone asks you to be on the board of your school because you’re a stay at home mom and your response is F*** you? Jesus lady this is not an insult, or a normal response from anyone. Go smoke a cigarette or something.

um as a WORKING mom, with no externa support etc ... i was ALSO asked to take a position on the board of my preschool.
I just RESPECTFULLY said, I am sorry my plate is too full at the moment.
easy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s always someone who has it harder than you, including those who aren’t able to have children at all.

Yeah but saying stuff like that doesn’t help anybody.

If you’re having a hard time for any reason, you need to get yourself in therapy. Your feelings are valid and there’s help available.

Being grateful for what you have does help people - it’s a way to reframe your negative thinking.

Constantly comparing yourselves to others, feeling sorry for yourself - stuff like that is what REALLY doesn’t help anybody.

Anonymous wrote:There’s always someone who has it harder than you, including those who aren’t able to have children at all.

Yeah but saying stuff like that doesn’t help anybody.

If you’re having a hard time for any reason, you need to get yourself in therapy. Your feelings are valid and there’s help available.

There’s always someone who has it harder than you, including those who aren’t able to have children at all.

Anonymous wrote:I am very envious of people with lots of support. The families that show up to dance recitals with grandma, grandpa, aunts, and cousins. Only in my wildest dreams. I went to my daughter’s dance recital alone.

I long for someone to share the journey with. Not so much for help but to share the joy with.

I definitely wish my kid had more cousins nearby, but this is weird. I’ve never seen anyone show up to a dance recital with their aunts and cousins. Heck, I barely want to be there. As an immigrant family, my family is spread all over the world. Does it suck sometimes? Absolutely. But sometimes it’s awesome because we have amazing international trips and places to visit. You have to make the best of what you have not sit there and lament what you don’t have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is ridiculous- being a parent is a choice, and so is your career, number of kids, geographic location. The quiz demonstrated how people start the race ahead due to what was given to them as kids. Your lament is that you don’t have some of the niceties of adulthood- but those are mostly the sum of your choices! How are you going to complain about not having family nearby when you are raising kids in another city? If you want family close by, you need to move near your family. If you want a bigger salary, you have to get a job that pays more. If you want mom friends you have to make friends. If you want to outsource, you have to think of some other line item on your budget to give up. Also I’ve literally never had the dilemma you are worried about. I’m thankful people serve on the pta etc and have never once felt bad about not doing it or looked askance at people who don’t.

Actually living close to family is not a choice when you’re an only child and your parents are dead.

But that’s the circle of life. Everybody’s parents age and get sick and die. Some people are tending to sick parents while they tend to young children. That’s not the jackpot either. It’s just life, and life happens to all of us. And we need to have the mental fortitude to deal with that. Of course I’m very sorry that you lost your parents and they can’t be with you on this parenting journey. But even people with “perfect” family set-ups are going to face challenges as parents age.