Interesting. I have an estranged brother who takes terrible care of himself. I have wondered if my elderly mother will outlive him and whether I would go to his funeral.

I would definitely go if my mom were alive so I could care for her. If my mom predeceases him, it depends. His wife is the kindest person in the world so I think I would come to express sympathies to her. If she gave any indication she didn't want me there I would apologize and leave because I'm not interested in bringing drama. I suspect it would be kind of awkward because I'm sure his funeral would be filled with people he's told lies about me, but I wouldn't have to stay long.

Don't judge your friend. Family trauma can run deep.

Anonymous wrote:My closest friend at work has a brother she hasn't spoken with in 11 years. I understand that they were never actually close despite being 2 years apart, but when their mother died the estate (4m) was left to my friend. That was the last time they spoke.

He died in a freak accident this last Thursday at 52 and the funeral is next week. She is not planning on attending. This has me baffled.

Why? They were estranged and she would be a hypocrite if she attended.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did she do to get mom to give her all the money? I could see why he wanted nothing to do with her.

This! They weren’t estranged by accident. Your friend is very likely a thief, and the brother died a death of despair. She practically killed him.

Not OP. Literally LOL'd at this. You guys have no idea what happened. Maybe he's an addict. Maybe he committed sexual abuse. It takes a lot for a mother to disown her son.

Anonymous wrote:I would go to grieve for what was and what might have been.

But I wouldn’t judge my friend for not feeling the need to go or deciding not to. There’s a million reasons why. Your friend may want to avoid other toxic people at the funeral. Or she might actually care more than you think and she needs to not attend for her own mental health/sanity.

+1 Exactly this.

Anonymous wrote:Ha. My mean as a snake mother called me from hospice 4 days before she died begging me to come see her. I didn't visit and I didnt attend the funeral. You made you bed. You lay in it.

When my sexually abusive stepfather died, we had him cremated. No service. Didn't even call anyone to tell them, not that he had any friends and his family would have just asked what he left them. (Nothing.)

That was in 2015. I assume his ashes are still on some shelf at the crematorium. Don't care.

It really isn't your place to judge. Why the need to mention how much money she got?

Often estrangements come from abuse-physical, sexual, emotional and/or verbal. Why should anyone honor an abusive person. Because that person is family? Does that make it OK?

Anonymous wrote:I would go to grieve for what was and what might have been.

But I wouldn’t judge my friend for not feeling the need to go or deciding not to. There’s a million reasons why. Your friend may want to avoid other toxic people at the funeral. Or she might actually care more than you think and she needs to not attend for her own mental health/sanity.

Sounds like there’s $4M reasons why.

Anonymous wrote:What did she do to get mom to give her all the money? I could see why he wanted nothing to do with her.

This! They weren’t estranged by accident. Your friend is very likely a thief, and the brother died a death of despair. She practically killed him.

Nope. The wounds are so deep that there is no way I could go and, as a PP said, listen to people who love him talk about how great he is. To them. I also would offer zero comfort to anyone who knows him as they obviously don’t know me. What could I offer them? Do not judge OP.

Anonymous wrote:Most estrangements come from wounds far deeper than “they were never close.” Keep out of your friend’s business and don’t judge her for not attending, because you don’t know the whole story.

Exactly! I might say my sibling and I were never close but in fact we don’t speak because of a big bad ugly thing that I don’t tell people about. Not going to their funeral. Well….maybe but only to make sure they didn’t fake their death

No, I wouldn’t go.

I would go to grieve for what was and what might have been.

But I wouldn’t judge my friend for not feeling the need to go or deciding not to. There’s a million reasons why. Your friend may want to avoid other toxic people at the funeral. Or she might actually care more than you think and she needs to not attend for her own mental health/sanity.

NOT to bring drama

You have no idea what lead her to that decision but you could infer that there was a reason the mother disinherited him. Two of my brothers were absolute axxholez in the last year of my Dad's life to me and my sister. Their spouses were aware. I haven't been in their presence since my Dad's funeral. I would not go to their funerals - for many reasons including I would try to bring any drama to their families' grief. My DH knows I would prefer he didn't let these brothers know if anything happens to me and he'll probably honor that.

Myob