As someone who has been involved with this for years, were it not for a sibling, it would be horrendous. Both my parents have dug in, are very frail, partially incontinent, can’t drive, etc. If my sibling was not there, they would have been forced out by social services. However my sibling is now drowning given the long, slow slide that both of them are in, and I simply cannot go out there even once per month (cross-country). They refused all the suggestions I made, or if one wanted to, the other dug in, usually my father, who is just not dealing with reality. The moment my mother suggests she wants out, I’m on a plane, picking her up to come to my home. Once she takes her social security with her, both my sibling and my father will be backed into a corner. The simplest solution is simply to downsize into a smaller place in the same community, where they can then use the substantial profits on their home to pay for help.

When it comes to stubbornness like this, you have to wait for a crisis. I’ve gone from hoping they will see the light, to hoping the crisis is a sudden death, not a nursing home. They could have planned better. My father thought he knew everything and would not listen to anyone. Clearly he didn’t.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t make them move out or get help. But you can do things to make your life easier once disaster strikes.

Make sure they have Wills, advance medical directive, etc. Meet with an an attorney that understands Medicaid in their state if you think they might need it in the future. Government does a 5 year look back and you don’t want to do something that affects Medicaid funding.

Make sure that your mom isn’t the person listed to legally make decisions for your Dad. Her dementia will only get worse and you want to be the one who makes decisions if he becomes incapacitated.

Make sure you have a list of their doctors and contact information. And have your parents sign a consent form that allows the doctors to speak to you. You will have to do this for each doctor.

Make sure you have all their bank account and credit card information and have you put on as an authorized person.

Do some visits to facilities near you in case they suddenly need to be moved into a place.

Good luck, it’s tough when parents don’t realize they are aging and don’t have to ability to make good risk calculations.

These are all great ideas - thanks so much for suggesting them!!