Does your daughter have 1-2 close friends? That’s what matters.

She has a group of friends from middle school that she hangs out with during lunch. They also occasionally get together outside of school. Are they close? I don’t know - there’s no phone calls or texting about things. When I asked her about them, (what does Larla do on the weekends?) she doesn’t seem to know much about them. She didn’t even realize one of them has divorced parents. So the relationships are there, but are not very deep from what I can tell. But maybe I’m just judging through an adult perspective.

Anonymous wrote:Also, OP, I don't think you answered whether this was a change for her. If it is a change, I would definitely go straight to getting her evaluated. "Larla, you use to enjoy having out with other people and you seemed happier. I would like us both to talk to a doctor so they can help me understand what's going on and whether there are things I need to do differently."

I don’t think it’s a change, it’s just more noticeable because she’s older and I can’t orchestrate her social life anymore. As a younger child, she would always go along with play dates if I suggested them, but I don’t recall her requesting them.

9:59 and 10:03, thank you, those were very helpful posts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a defense mechanism. Kids say they don’t need friends but it isn’t true. Introverts want and need friends too. All humans need friendship.

This is OP. This is exactly my worry. I am an introvert myself, so I get being reserved and not liking to be around a ton of new people all the time. But DD worries me when she talks about wanting to be alone, even as an adult (except for having a cat). She doesn’t even want a job that requires collaboration. If she doesn’t see the value of friendships and develop the social skills to interact with the world, I worry she really will end up a lonely cat lady whether she wants to or not. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it just seems unhealthy to have a preference toward no interaction with the outside world beyond school. We do insist on extracurricular(s) so she has some social interaction outside of school, which she begrudgingly participates in.

I think sometimes we forget how overstimulating and overwhelming school is for introverts, particularly the big ones around here. For 8+ hours everyday she is surrounded by people everyday, most of whom they don’t know or are not friends with. They get called on. They have to engage in chit chat in class, in the hallways, at gym. There are few spaces for them to sit and decompress (maybe the library at lunch?). That’s nothing like my day as an adult where I can at least sneak into the bathroom and sit there for peace. Our kids will be marked late.

The point is, it’s not super surprising then that she comes home wanting to be by herself for now and the future. Even my social DD gets burnt out on occasion at a big HS and tells me she plans to sit in her room with the dog for the remainder of HS. (She just recovers more quickly).

Does your daughter have 1-2 close friends? That’s what matters.

Anonymous wrote:It’s a defense mechanism. Kids say they don’t need friends but it isn’t true. Introverts want and need friends too. All humans need friendship.

I agree with this. My dc can be like this sometimes.

We try and set a bare minimum of socialization effort I expect from her (it’s more about the effort than the outcome)

They do have friends that ask them to do things, but it’s limited. When I see a weekend they don’t have anything planned I strongly encourage them to make plans. I suggest specific things and people and make it really easy by offering to drop them off any number of places they may be interested.

I know fear of rejection is hard for dc so I always tell them it’s more about making the effort to socialize than it is the actual socialization. I want dc to realize that it’s ok to be rejected and that all friendships won’t work out. If you keep trying, move on when it becomes obvious that a friendship isn’t working, and aren’t afraid of rejection you will eventually find friends you value and enjoy spending time with. It has absolutely worked with dc. They started the school year floundering a little bit socially and currently have about 7 friends that they socialize with outside of school (mostly individually)

Both dc and I are introverts, and enjoy our down time BUT there is a level of socialization that we both require. I have seen major strides in dc overcoming fear of rejection and putting themselves out there. They absolutely don’t need a ton of socialization, but sticking to the rule of socializing at least once a weekend (if it’s a busy weekend with activities the making plans expectation goes out the window, it’s more for when there’s too much time sitting home doing nothing).

Also, OP, I don't think you answered whether this was a change for her. If it is a change, I would definitely go straight to getting her evaluated. "Larla, you use to enjoy having out with other people and you seemed happier. I would like us both to talk to a doctor so they can help me understand what's going on and whether there are things I need to do differently."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the problem ?

I asked the above question because it would be helpful for the parent to articulate the issue in a clear & concise manner rather than to encourage speculation from anonymous posters.

(This post is not to criticize, just to explain why I posed the question "What is the problem ?".)

OP here. It’s a fair question. Here’s what I worry about: (1) she’s actually not happy and she’s hiding/compensating for mental issues we could get help for; and (2) her aversion to social interaction will interfere with her ability to launch into adulthood. She’s very smart and she wants to go to college. I don’t want her to get there and then crash and burn due to social issues.

To the pp talking about an evaluation, it has crossed my mind, but what would I tell DD. In her shoes, I might feel hurt my parents think I have a disability when I don’t see anything wrong.

Well, my thought was that if she had academic struggles there is always the "we're going to see a learning specialist to find out more about how you think and how to make learning X easier." angle. But if the only deficit is social, and she is not acknowledging it, it is trickier. One thought is that you could start with a social skills group and then at the end of that see if the leader thinks and evaluation would be worthwhile. She probably won't want to do it, but it's fine to be gentle but direct with her about the utility of social skills. "Larla, you've always said that you dislike being around people and I respect that. But now that you are a teenager, other people will start to have expectations for how you interact with them. Things that were fine when you were younger (e.g., not responding, not looking when someone is talking) now seem rude to some people. It's important to know how to do these things so that you can do them when you need to. It's not fair, but it will give people a mis-impression about you if you don't do them."

I give some version of this talk when I want to teach my son to do something. Like at home he constantly talks to himself and I recently realized he was doing it in stores when we were shopping separately. He is 14 and tall. I explained that I like to talk to myself too, but it looks weird and makes other people uncomfortable especially now that he is "as big as a grown up". We also went on an outing with another family last week and I noticed when we ate lunch he sat with his body turned away from the other kid. After lunch I said I noticed and didn't think the other kid had (which was a lie) but that sitting turned away sent a message he didn't like the kid and next time he should try just move his chair and say "excuse me, I just need a little space" because I know he does like the kid, he just wanted a little more space.

I understand that it's unfair to ask neurodivergent people to "mask" and conform to every social standard, but I also think it's important to point out what the rules are (because they may not realize) and help them have the skills in case they want to use them.

Anonymous wrote:It’s a defense mechanism. Kids say they don’t need friends but it isn’t true. Introverts want and need friends too. All humans need friendship.

This is OP. This is exactly my worry. I am an introvert myself, so I get being reserved and not liking to be around a ton of new people all the time. But DD worries me when she talks about wanting to be alone, even as an adult (except for having a cat). She doesn’t even want a job that requires collaboration. If she doesn’t see the value of friendships and develop the social skills to interact with the world, I worry she really will end up a lonely cat lady whether she wants to or not. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it just seems unhealthy to have a preference toward no interaction with the outside world beyond school. We do insist on extracurricular(s) so she has some social interaction outside of school, which she begrudgingly participates in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be lacking social skills to you, but perhaps isn’t too far off from how her friends act or other peers at school.

If the teachers haven’t reached out and said something, she’s holding her own socially.

Lots of kids have one word answers, no eye contact…if the teacher asks her a question, I bet she responds.

Bad advice. Don’t rely on the fact that a teacher hasn’t said anything to mean all is well.

I agree. Can you ask a teacher or someone at school to observe and let you know? My DS is on the spectrum and I worry about him being alone and isolated. Only way for me to know is to get feedback from the school.

Teachers are really not trained for this and many would not feel comfortable raising flags when they are not professionally trained to do. They might also be afraid to be candid even when asked for their opinion, because it might offend the parents. It would be best to get an outside evaluation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be lacking social skills to you, but perhaps isn’t too far off from how her friends act or other peers at school.

If the teachers haven’t reached out and said something, she’s holding her own socially.

Lots of kids have one word answers, no eye contact…if the teacher asks her a question, I bet she responds.

Bad advice. Don’t rely on the fact that a teacher hasn’t said anything to mean all is well.

I agree. Can you ask a teacher or someone at school to observe and let you know? My DS is on the spectrum and I worry about him being alone and isolated. Only way for me to know is to get feedback from the school.