Op ,
I understand why this is triggering to you.

But I think your reaction is wrong.
It is wrong of you to project your experience with your mother on him
It's wrong of you to treat him badly simply because he's in recovery.

It's wrong of you to interrogate your sister.

Don't cause damage to that relationship you should support each other

There's no reason to distance yourself from your BIl unless he was involved in some crime because of the drinking like sexual assault.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

Are you in therapy for the trauma you have related to alcoholism? I absolutely would not marry someone who had been an addict given my parents alcoholism and an experience with a long term boyfriend in my 20s. I chose to marry a man that rarely has one drink. That said, I think you are really overreacting here in a way that is only going to be more damaging to you. You are very likely to loose your relationship with your sister and it sounds like that is a valuable relationship to her. There is nothing crazy about your sister marrying someone who was five years sober — even if you and I would not do that. And to be terrified about someone 15 years sober going back to drinking is totally not in line with actual statistics.

Are you kidding me? This reads so judgmental. He is sober and has been in recovery for 15+ years. People have problems and those that face them head on and work on them should be supported, not judged for having a past. I am biased here though because my husband and I are both sober. Him for 10 years and me for 9.

You have probably met many people who have a history of addiction - alcohol, substances, eating disorders etc… to judge and shame someone for having tackled their demons absolutely makes you the a-hole. I would ask yourself why you feel the need to judge someone who is sober and has a history of alcoholism.

One of the most wonderful people in my life was my stepGrandfather. He stopped drinking when I was an infant and he was in his 40s. He was a good, kind, honest man—just a stand up guy. My brothers and I now in our 50s always think of him as a beacon of light in our childhood/youth. He died long ago never having a drink again at age 79. Your sister may have married a man such as this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

OP, I’m a licensed psychologist with expertise in alcohol addiction, as both a clinician and a researcher.

What you are saying has no basis in fact. The research tells us that with 5+ years of sobriety, an individual is at no greater risk of alcohol use disorder than anyone else. Being in recovery for that long is something to be celebrated, not punished. The problem, in this case, is you stigmatizing your BIL. That’s it. Your sister didn’t tell you because she knows how judgmental you are on this issue. I suggest you stop, apologize to your sister, and educate yourself.

I also say these things as the sister of someone with severe AUD, still actively drinking despite profound negative consequences and who has caused immeasurable damage to our family. I know the consequences of alcohol addiction all too well. That’s not what is going on here. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re reacting out of ignorance; do something about that ignorance, please.

OP, if he doesn't have an *active* problem, you shouldn't have a current problem with him.

OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

What if your dh broke off your engagement and refused to marry you because of your mom? As the daughter of an alcoholic you are very predisposed and he couldn't risk his kids having an addict like that in the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my daughter is in recovery and has complied with our boundaries and is now sober,

Your mother or brother in law didn't decide to become an alcoholic, it's a disease and your ignorance on the subject shows how little you are willing to learn about anything outside your little bubble.

Would you leave them if they had asthma? ADHD? Cancer?

I would proudly be friends with your brother in law. I would much rather stand with someone who has battled this disease and remained sober for 15 years than someone like you who has no idea what you are talking about and is so judgmental.

I mean, I absolutely think OP ITA, but I think this is harsh. Being on the receiving end of addiction as a child is rough, and it sounds like OP has a lot of unresolved issues. S/he does have some firsthand knowledge of the damage that addiction can do. Where she's wrong is in rejecting her BIL despite the fact that he sought help and has been sober for 15 years, and judging her sister for making a different decision. If BIL was not in treatment, or was relapsing, and his behavior was causing problems, I think OP would be 100 percent in the right to distance herself from him. But he is, he's not, and it's not. OP shouldn't be projecting her mother's behavior onto BIL.

It's what she needs to hear, not what she wants to hear. To judge someone she doesn't know base don her own experience isn't fair to the brother in law or her sister. There are many people who are wonderful parents, brothers, sisters etc. that are in recovery and to think all of them are like her mother is a slap in the face to them.

You are 150% the a-hole

You're one of the biggest A holes ever. And that's saying a lot. Do you also kick puppies? This man has been sober for 15 years. We all make mistakes and clearly he's recovered and changed his life. There but for the grace of God go I

I have known quite a few recovering addicts and alcoholics who never relapsed. Not everyone is your mom, but I also understand how triggering it must be for you. We don't know the future. Everyone deserves a chance.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you are projecting your feelings on to the wrong person. Your mother let you down, not your BIL. You clearly need therapy to work through your anger and resentment towards your mom.

Plus, thanks to OP's mother, OP is probably genetically predisposed to addiction herself and her children as well. Addiction is in your family, OP. Having a close relative who has been in recovery for 15 years is actually a good thing in the event that another relative has addiction issues - maybe your BIL could help the family deal with it.

My FIL was an alcoholic from 18-24yo (as in, doctors told him he was going to die of liver failure). He is 70yo and has been sober since. My MIL and his kids have never seen him drink. He's one of, if not the, best humans I have ever met.

Anonymous wrote:my daughter is in recovery and has complied with our boundaries and is now sober,

Your mother or brother in law didn't decide to become an alcoholic, it's a disease and your ignorance on the subject shows how little you are willing to learn about anything outside your little bubble.

Would you leave them if they had asthma? ADHD? Cancer?

I would proudly be friends with your brother in law. I would much rather stand with someone who has battled this disease and remained sober for 15 years than someone like you who has no idea what you are talking about and is so judgmental.

I mean, I absolutely think OP ITA, but I think this is harsh. Being on the receiving end of addiction as a child is rough, and it sounds like OP has a lot of unresolved issues. S/he does have some firsthand knowledge of the damage that addiction can do. Where she's wrong is in rejecting her BIL despite the fact that he sought help and has been sober for 15 years, and judging her sister for making a different decision. If BIL was not in treatment, or was relapsing, and his behavior was causing problems, I think OP would be 100 percent in the right to distance herself from him. But he is, he's not, and it's not. OP shouldn't be projecting her mother's behavior onto BIL.