Adding on to answer the q “how to overcome the hurt” -

1. About 5 years ago, I realized I would never get her approval. My brother will ALWAYS be so great, and I will always be the [bratty, needy, less intelligent, etc etc] child. I learned to accept that and I stopped seeking her approval.

2. When I get bummed at all the “benefits” my brother gets (the one that hurts the most is watching how much she dotes over his kids and ignores mine, though they are all the same ages), I remind myself that she can be a very difficult woman and that is now his burden, not mine.

3. I acknowledge that my brother had a very different mom than my siblings and I had. We had a critical, harsh mother; he had a loving supportive mother. I “grieved” the fact that I didn’t have a great mom and then moved on, resolved to be a better mom to my kids.

Yep, my mother favors my brother over her other children. It is much worse in adulthood; while she favored him as a child, it wasn’t to the point of neglect or anything - more like a funny joke among us (which she didn’t deny!).

She moved across the country to live 1 block away from him and showers his family with free childcare, attention, money, etc. Meanwhile she hasn’t visited me in two years and hasn’t even met my youngest child (now 2).

A few years ago she announced that her will would not list any beneficiaries; instead it would list my brother as executor and he could allocate the funds how he saw fit. I told her I didn’t think that was legal and she told me to buzz off. I assume I’ll get nothing from her estate and I’m ok with that.

My brother gets LOTS of benefits from being the favorite - noted above - but he is also her only friend and confidante and most likely will be responsible for her care going forward (if necessary). They are unhealthily enmeshed.

Anonymous wrote:We had this with my in-laws for my spouse and our children being the non-favorite. We tried at first to set up a monthly Sunday dinner to create a connection, but were rebuked. We thought they liked "feeling needed" (by the other sibling) so asked for help with care a few times (so they'd spend time with our kids even if we still got no time). That didn't work either. Eventually they told us flat out that the other family is their priority. At that point - we just took the hit and had to move on emotionally. It had been going on for 6 years and to be honest, I appreciated knowing where we stood - even though it was a pretty awful thing to say to your child/grandchildren, it helped us step back and stop trying to create/maintain a bond-level that they were never interested in having.

This was an issue for us when our kids were younger because in-laws clearly favored their daughter and her kids vs my DH. Now they’re much older and need a lot of care my SIL is responsible and owes them big time. So it all works out fine