Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally seeing the problem. You stay with your MIL/FIL. Presumably, there is some family event on the actual holiday, which is what BIL/SIL host. The rest of the time, do not assume that they will be available. Invite them to join you for dinner or whatever. Invite the cousins to do whatever your kids want to do with them; the rest of the time, just explain that you can't babysit. There is no reason BIL/SIL need to "host" the whole time you're there when you're not even staying there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

OP here- to clarify, we are going to see everyone - MIL/FIL want the whole family to be together over the holiday. The problem is, the only place big enough to host everyone is SIL/BIL's home. I have to assume that MIL/FIL arrange this with BIL, but as a DIL, I have no clue.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally seeing the problem. You stay with your MIL/FIL. Presumably, there is some family event on the actual holiday, which is what BIL/SIL host. The rest of the time, do not assume that they will be available. Invite them to join you for dinner or whatever. Invite the cousins to do whatever your kids want to do with them; the rest of the time, just explain that you can't babysit. There is no reason BIL/SIL need to "host" the whole time you're there when you're not even staying there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

OP here- to clarify, we are going to see everyone - MIL/FIL want the whole family to be together over the holiday. The problem is, the only place big enough to host everyone is SIL/BIL's home. I have to assume that MIL/FIL arrange this with BIL, but as a DIL, I have no clue.

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HAHHAHAHA - my SIL claimed they had no room at the table for a couple of our lifelong friends who were in town the first time in years, so I got nothing for you, OP. We arrived at SIL's and guess what - the extra people she flipped out at us about, didn't even show up! I wonder why.....

Some people are just petulant and difficult, OP. Do you really care if she is out and about while you are there? Can you just enjoy the rest of the family?

Yeah, she's rude, but some people have gotten away with their rude selves all their lives - they are not going to change now. I don't know how their spouses do it, however.

OP here - I'd actually prefer to return to her maintaining her social life if it means not having to deal with constant resentment.

However, in the past, when SIL & BIL go out to maintain their social lives, they leave their kids with us. The kids hang out with their cousins, but now it's like we are built-in babysitters (because we go to their house for the space.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

But they aren't going to see the BIL and SIL. They're going to see MIL and FIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.

Anonymous wrote:
Elitist is not the right word, OP.

Selfish and insensitive is more like it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where to start?

First, nothing in your post indicates elitism. Nothing.

Second, "My DH complained to his parents" - really? No wonder she had a bad reaction, when a grown-up acts like a high schooler.

Third, in addition to how it was presented, your complaint is out of line. You expect your inlaws to not go to social events, not see friends, when you are in town for an extended time? That's selfish, and unreasonable, especially when you aren't (apparently) that close to begin with.

Fourth, you admit that you really go to see your MIL and FIL, but expect them to clear their calendar?

So to recap, you had your MIL shame them into hosting you at their house, and your SIL was cranky about it, and acted put upon. There's a good reason for that. One of the definitions of "put upon" is "expected or asked to do too much" - you basically invited yourself to their house over the holidays, and they had to cancel engagements they were looking forward to as a result. They *were* put upon.

This is the most absurd take on the OP I think I have read today.

It's the holidays. When you come in to visit family, you generally expect to. . . . wait for it . . . visit with family. Especially when they are refusing to come to you.

Your inlaws aren't elitist but they are a bunch of a-holes. Why are you visiting these people again? I suggest no holiday visit next time. Go some other time, get a place on the beach and treat it as a vacation. We'll be in town (or nearby town), hope to see you when we are there. Then leave it to them. Holidays, enjoy your time at home. You'll be happier.

And frankly, when they ask why you're not coming next years, tell them: it's expensive and we felt in the way last year. So we're going to be spending Christmas home this year. Sometimes a dose of frankness is needed and it seems to be the case here. And I wouldn't feel even a little bad about it.