Anonymous wrote:This entire thread makes me tear up.

Me too. But, only because OP's daughter feels lonely during lunch and it affects the OP.

For a different perspective: I cherished alone time at meals with reading material. Would have been a heaven like experience if permitted to eat in the library.

I can relate. My DD hasn't liked lunch since third grade. In fourth she was getting bullied at lunch. In fifth a friend became friends with her bullies and my DD had to find a new lunch group. Sixth was Covid but then in 7th the grade was split up into 2 lunches and it was difficult to figure out who to sit with. Eventually she became friends with a loner girl and got closer to kids she knew in elementary.

Halfway through the year she switched schools from public to private. The original group she sat with dumped her so she started sitting with the friend group of one of her other friends. While my DD enjoyed sitting with her friend, the rest of the group made it clear they didn't like her. When my DD's friend switched schools the group dumped her. Then in 8th she got bullied and for about a month she would come home crying and saying she had no friends. She talked to the counselor about the bullying. The counselor said "I wonder why that's happening but it'll get better in high school" and nothing changed. The counselor told my daughter about three groups she could hang out with at lunch-the first group that dumped her in 7th, a group that whispers when she comes near, and a third group. My DD went to talk to that group twice. The first time a boy was mean to her ("Ew I don't want to sit with a girl."), the second time my DD was bored and ended up sitting with a different friend. It's the second semester of 8th. My DD has one friend in her grade (who is moving states soon) and 3 in the grade below her. We are currently doing applications to other schools to see what happens however my DD wants to stay at this tiny insular private school and try out for the cheerleading/dance teams to see if joining a team would help her gain friends (she has dance experience).

I'm honestly confused. This is the girl who was well-liked in public school and is the life of the party at family reunions talking to cousins she hasn't seen in four years. She has friends through an EC and prior to switching to private she always had friends. She can clearly socialize and make friends.

This entire thread makes me tear up.

How are they able to wonder at lunchtime? My middle schooler has to go to the lunchroom. There is not option to stay in a classroom or hang out in library.

Also, from what I hear, they have those long cafeteria tables that hold tons of kids on either side. No one is “alone” because they are all packed in together.

Can she go to the library during her lunch period? I am a MS librarian and we welcome kids who prefer to come in because of anxiety issues, friend problems, even eating disorders. (In addition to welcoming all students!)

As the weeks go on I often see kids who had come to be alone (or because they felt alone) become friends with - or at least talking comfortably with - other kids in the library, which is calmer and hopefully less socially-fraught than the cafeteria. If nothing else, lunchtime becomes a time to recharge rather than a time of stress.

OP here. Thank you for all your replies. DD does have social anxiety and we’re working on it but at this time she really only has acquaintances at school. She did have a very close friend who totally dumped her and that was a blow to her confidence. Perhaps because she’s so quiet/awkward, kids don’t naturally gravitate toward her or include her.

She does go to clubs when she can but she said people come with their friends and she does not try to break into their conversation; she might talk to some kids but it doesn’t seem to jump-start a friendship, maybe because most clubs only meet once a week, or more commonly every other week. She did do stage crew but did not make friends, so maybe it’s her. I’ve actually wondered if she’s very mildly on the spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t make friends.

The counselor is aware because sometimes she will eat in an empty room in the counseling office but there are no lunch groups for similar kids so they don’t really have anything to offer. DD really feels like she’s the only one going through this, but that can’t be true.

She has asked to change schools, but if the problem is her, it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s really hard to gauge what’s going on. Don’t most kids have at least a friend or two?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Can I ask how you find a proper social skills coach/group? My son is an introvert, probably slightly on the spectrum but just more shy. Covid definitely doesn't help the social scene. We have tried some of the social groups, but never found a group that truly matched him. He has pretty good social skills in general if he just talks.

Anonymous wrote:In MS my son became an amazing artist because he spent years having lunch in the art room. In HS there were clubs and so many more kids so it was easier. My oldest met some kids during HS 101 and they continued to lunch together. Later when he went to vo tech, he met his group. That’s when HS finally became tolerable and even fun for him.

Seems like kids who get together before the start of school either because of sports or outside activities or things like HS 101 have an easier time.

+1 My DD does marching band and so got to meet a whole lot of kids in August before freshman year. Her lunch group is mainly band members, different people depending on if it's A or B day in the block schedule.

In MS my son became an amazing artist because he spent years having lunch in the art room. In HS there were clubs and so many more kids so it was easier. My oldest met some kids during HS 101 and they continued to lunch together. Later when he went to vo tech, he met his group. That’s when HS finally became tolerable and even fun for him.

Seems like kids who get together before the start of school either because of sports or outside activities or things like HS 101 have an easier time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Both are on anxiety medication and in therapy to manage anxiety.

DD is naturally social. Once we got the anxiety under control she made lots of friends and eats with them or asks other kids to join her for lunch. She loves to talk and be around people.

DS is on the spectrum and introverted. We hired a social skills coach who helps him since he’s completely clueless about social norms. A lot of role play and practice. He’s really come a long way and now has a couple kids he regularly eats lunch with.

Anonymous wrote:What grade is your DD in? Is she new to the school? Does she generally have trouble making friends?

Last year my DD had no friends and often ate lunch alone. Which was new for her as she used to make friends easily. We finally figured out she had debilitating anxiety. Now after therapy and Prozac she has tons of friends and often invites the loner kids to eat with them because she remembers how it felt.

DS is on the spectrum and never made friends easily. He often eats alone but recently made a couple friends that he now eats with.

How did you help your children get out of their shells and manage to join others to eat?

Anonymous wrote:DS is still the same and he is a senior. If he doesn’t find someone to eat with as soon as school starts, it becomes a lost cause for him because he is paralyzed by the thought of walking around the cafeteria and looking for someone he knows. He basically eats durijg class time and then goes to the library at lunch. He says others do this, too.

I agree about trying to find a club that meets at lunch, and the suggestion to ask someone in the period prior to lunch if they want to eat together.

I can totally see that. Mine are 7th and 9th grade but seems like the lunch groups form in the first 2 weeks.

My Freshman eats with her friend group of 8 kids both girls and boys (only 2 of which she had going into the year), and I get the impression that it’s like a standing date and there isn’t much mixing or inviting of others (even though all of these kids have other friends) . Maybe a smaller group would be less intimidating to join than a big one…..i think the trick might be finding a group of 2-3 kids who are more open to expanding. Maybe look at her joining an activity like theater or debate or something like that, that tends to build friendships quickly

As a former teen who sometimes was alone for lunch, that is hard to read. I never went too long, but don’t remember what got me over the hump. I think kids have a harder time bridging social gaps in person nowadays.

My daughters high school has a bunch of clubs and many meet during lunch.

Does she have any friends in classes, even casually?

Tons of kids in Middle school look like that with those rotating schedules. So sad.

My son skips lunch and goes to the library.