Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

That is outdated.

For this, OP should address the card to [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name]. If you must, use Mrs. [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name].

When extending sympathy, a reminder of the person she just lost is a terrible practice. So calling her Mrs. [Uncle's First Name] [Uncle's Last Name] is just insensitive in this situation.

Agreed.

Here's the important part: his death didn't change what you'd write.

If she was Mrs. John Smith before, she is still that now.

If she was Ms. Anna Smith before, she is still that now.

If she was Anna Smith before, she is still that now.

No change. That's the deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

I love that you'd write "Aunt" on the envelope going in the mail. Reminds me of when I tried to send my grandma a card and my parents didn't catch that I addressed it to "Grandma" AND left the apartment number off the address. It came back to us with a note from a mailman clearly having a trying time, that said, "There are a LOT of grandmas in this building - which one!?"

Of course I'd write aunt on the card. That's who she is to me. I would also give her name - HER name, not her husband's name - and address, so it can reach her.

I address cards to my parents as Mom and Dad Smith, too. I am not suggesting everyone do exactly as I do, but I can't fathom in a hundred million years addressing a relative as Mrs. Husband's Name. I can't imagine addressing anyone that way - I am 49, this seems just wildly old fashioned to me - but especially not someone who is my blood.

On the card, or the envelope?

I always use last names on envelopes. If' I'm sending a birthday card to my 2 year old nephew I write "Larlo Higgenbotham" and "Hildegarde Merriweather" for the return address even though inside I'll write "Pumpkin" and "Love, Auntie Hilda".

On the envelope - I write Mom and Dad Last Name - or Best Niece Ever last Name. On the inside I just use the first name (or Aunt First Name, or Mom and Dad, or whatever.)

The address is what matters, as far as delivery goes. And if I can bring a little joy and comfort to someone by letting them know that there's a person out there who knows them and loves them, then hooray.

Again, I am not here saying everyone should write Mom Sparklebottom Last Name on all their cards, and therefore you should write Aunt First Name Last Name here, too. I just think that addressing her as Aunt First Name Last Name on the envelope makes the most sense, and leaves the least room for error here.

We get cards sent to Mr and Mrs DH's First Name Last Name, and I think less of the people who send them to me - and I feel vaguely insulted that they don't even know me well enough to know I don't use his last name let alone his first name. And some of the epople doing this are people our age!?

I think doing that runs the risk that you will also be seen as sexist and out of touch. Like, really sexist and out of touch. Mrs. Her First Name Last Name runs less of that risk, if you know she uses Mrs. Ms. - I don't really know what the current feelings are on Ms. That was big when I was a kid but only by people who thought of themselves as feminists - like my mom - so I'm not sure how this particular aunt would respond to that title.

So again, I pitch the case for Aunt Bernice Smith on the envelope. It is familiar. It is actually her name. It lets you avoid being either weird and sexist, or, going the other way, insinuating that she's some kind of feminist if she's not.

IN this situation, I would ask my mom or another relative of that generation how my aunt would prefer to have her her card addressed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

I love that you'd write "Aunt" on the envelope going in the mail. Reminds me of when I tried to send my grandma a card and my parents didn't catch that I addressed it to "Grandma" AND left the apartment number off the address. It came back to us with a note from a mailman clearly having a trying time, that said, "There are a LOT of grandmas in this building - which one!?"

Of course I'd write aunt on the card. That's who she is to me. I would also give her name - HER name, not her husband's name - and address, so it can reach her.

I address cards to my parents as Mom and Dad Smith, too. I am not suggesting everyone do exactly as I do, but I can't fathom in a hundred million years addressing a relative as Mrs. Husband's Name. I can't imagine addressing anyone that way - I am 49, this seems just wildly old fashioned to me - but especially not someone who is my blood.

On the card, or the envelope?

I always use last names on envelopes. If' I'm sending a birthday card to my 2 year old nephew I write "Larlo Higgenbotham" and "Hildegarde Merriweather" for the return address even though inside I'll write "Pumpkin" and "Love, Auntie Hilda".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

Same. What is with the formality? It isn’t an invitation to a state dinner

I think these varying thoughts are due to age differences. Address as you wish, but it's not overly formal to write Mrs. with her husband's first name, last name.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

That is outdated.

For this, OP should address the card to [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name]. If you must, use Mrs. [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name].

When extending sympathy, a reminder of the person she just lost is a terrible practice. So calling her Mrs. [Uncle's First Name] [Uncle's Last Name] is just insensitive in this situation.

The purpose of a sympathy card is to remember the person someone lost. It's not just not a "terrible practice" it's literally the point of the practice.

If you would have addressed a card as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" before, then changing it now would be rubbing it in her face. On the other hand, if you would have sent it to "John and Harriet Smith" before then use Harriet Smith. Or "Aunt Harriet".

This isn't a time to make a point. She's missing him enough, taking away a title she enjoyed is just cruel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

I love that you'd write "Aunt" on the envelope going in the mail. Reminds me of when I tried to send my grandma a card and my parents didn't catch that I addressed it to "Grandma" AND left the apartment number off the address. It came back to us with a note from a mailman clearly having a trying time, that said, "There are a LOT of grandmas in this building - which one!?"

Of course I'd write aunt on the card. That's who she is to me. I would also give her name - HER name, not her husband's name - and address, so it can reach her.

I address cards to my parents as Mom and Dad Smith, too. I am not suggesting everyone do exactly as I do, but I can't fathom in a hundred million years addressing a relative as Mrs. Husband's Name. I can't imagine addressing anyone that way - I am 49, this seems just wildly old fashioned to me - but especially not someone who is my blood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

I love that you'd write "Aunt" on the envelope going in the mail. Reminds me of when I tried to send my grandma a card and my parents didn't catch that I addressed it to "Grandma" AND left the apartment number off the address. It came back to us with a note from a mailman clearly having a trying time, that said, "There are a LOT of grandmas in this building - which one!?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

Same. What is with the formality? It isn’t an invitation to a state dinner

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

No, just no. Use her actual first name and whatever last name she used. Women are not their husbands’ property!

I'm not my husband's property, but I'm very happy to be Mrs. HIS FIRST NAME OUR LAST NAME

ew

I would address it to Aunt Bernice Smith, personally. This is a moment to be familiar, not to be weirdly formal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

That is outdated.

For this, OP should address the card to [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name]. If you must, use Mrs. [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name].

When extending sympathy, a reminder of the person she just lost is a terrible practice. So calling her Mrs. [Uncle's First Name] [Uncle's Last Name] is just insensitive in this situation.

It's not like she will forget. That's silly.

Of course she isn't going to forget. But waving it in front of her face while she is in mourning is a little insensitive.

There's nothing wrong with calling her Jane Smith instead of Mrs. John Smith is better.

Ugh. Corrected typo. Was using waiving in emails earlier and obviously still have it on my mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

That is outdated.

For this, OP should address the card to [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name]. If you must, use Mrs. [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name].

When extending sympathy, a reminder of the person she just lost is a terrible practice. So calling her Mrs. [Uncle's First Name] [Uncle's Last Name] is just insensitive in this situation.

It's not like she will forget. That's silly.

Of course she isn't going to forget. But waiving it in front of her face while she is in mourning is a little insensitive.

There's nothing wrong with calling her Jane Smith instead of Mrs. John Smith is better.

Eh, we'll have to agree to disagree. People generally want to talk about when someone close to them has died. They don't want everyone to tiptoe around and never mention the deceased person's name.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

That is outdated.

For this, OP should address the card to [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name]. If you must, use Mrs. [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name].

When extending sympathy, a reminder of the person she just lost is a terrible practice. So calling her Mrs. [Uncle's First Name] [Uncle's Last Name] is just insensitive in this situation.

It's not like she will forget. That's silly.

Of course she isn't going to forget. But waiving it in front of her face while she is in mourning is a little insensitive.

There's nothing wrong with calling her Jane Smith instead of Mrs. John Smith is better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Formally and traditionally, she is and always will be Mrs. John Smith - unless of course she marries again.

That is outdated.

For this, OP should address the card to [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name]. If you must, use Mrs. [Aunt's First Name] [Aunt's Last Name].

When extending sympathy, a reminder of the person she just lost is a terrible practice. So calling her Mrs. [Uncle's First Name] [Uncle's Last Name] is just insensitive in this situation.

It's not like she will forget. That's silly.