Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 09:59     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH told me that his sister is apparently dealing with some behavioral and psychiatric issues regarding her older son. I sent her a text simply saying, So sorry you're having a rough time, thinking of you.
She didn't respond and now I'm worried that I overstepped. Was this bad?


You overstepped. If she wanted you to know, she would have told you.

I understand spouses telling each other things, but that doesn’t mean you act on it.

I hope she doesn’t hold this against your DH.


+1. It comes off as smug. You didn’t offer any help just Schadenfreude.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 09:53     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She might not know exactly what you’re getting at? If you’re not otherwise close, she might think you’re fishing.

In general, it sounds nice and thoughtful, but having accidentally bumped a hornet’s nest with my SIL, I now know my intentions don’t mean squat compared with how actions/words are interpreted.


This is an incredibly sad way to treat people who are just trying to be nice. My SIL does this so I just dropped the rope and stopped even trying.


I’m the PP. My SIL misinterpreted a casual remark and hasn’t spoken to me in years. I still have no idea how she got from “thanks, that’s a great idea” (the text in question) to being so hurt and insulted (her words via my sibling) that she decided that she would never speak to me again. So, yes, I am completely paranoid about my well-intentioned words and actions being misinterpreted.


NP. It’s possible she thought your reply was sarcasm and a put down of her suggestion. It can be really hard to tell from just a written sentence. People she associates with may use the phrase sarcastically so that’s where her mind likely went. Maybe they’re big Star Wars fans — there’s a similar quote in the garbage chute scene.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2023 23:26     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
As the parent of a child going thru mental health issues , I suspect she is overwhelmed.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 16:31     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She might not know exactly what you’re getting at? If you’re not otherwise close, she might think you’re fishing.

In general, it sounds nice and thoughtful, but having accidentally bumped a hornet’s nest with my SIL, I now know my intentions don’t mean squat compared with how actions/words are interpreted.


This is an incredibly sad way to treat people who are just trying to be nice. My SIL does this so I just dropped the rope and stopped even trying.


I’m the PP. My SIL misinterpreted a casual remark and hasn’t spoken to me in years. I still have no idea how she got from “thanks, that’s a great idea” (the text in question) to being so hurt and insulted (her words via my sibling) that she decided that she would never speak to me again. So, yes, I am completely paranoid about my well-intentioned words and actions being misinterpreted.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 12:16     Subject: Re:Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Your message is fine as is. Leave it there and force yourself to assume the best (i.e. not assume it landed badly). Expecting a reply places responsibility on her to help you manage your feelings about what she is experiencing. As someone who has been struggling with a very depressed/suicidal teen for almost 3 years, I do appreciate the reach-outs but they also make me feel like I have to give an update - and updates are obsolete the minute I send them as things change fast. And additionally, it often feels like people are seeking good news and I often just don't have it to give, and talking about the hard stuff is often just too hard.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 12:06     Subject: Re:Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
I would appreciate the thought, but have no emotional energy to get into an extended text exchange (which is what I fear when I'm stressed and people reach out).
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 12:03     Subject: Re:Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Seriously. In what world is "thinking of you, sorry to hear how things are rough" somehow malicious? Unless this person is a known sadist? We're always told how reaching out matters. There was a HUGE thing about this in the NYT recently. Should I assume that the friend who called out of the blue to ask how I was was actually fishing for tragedy? Or the neighbor who inquired about my kid in passing at the grocery store was actually fishing for info about his being cut from the baseball team? Good lord.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 12:00     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She might not know exactly what you’re getting at? If you’re not otherwise close, she might think you’re fishing.

In general, it sounds nice and thoughtful, but having accidentally bumped a hornet’s nest with my SIL, I now know my intentions don’t mean squat compared with how actions/words are interpreted.


This is an incredibly sad way to treat people who are just trying to be nice. My SIL does this so I just dropped the rope and stopped even trying.


Oh please, it is all dependent on the relationship. There are people who love to discuss the tragedies of people they don't like even their inlaws and families. Don't be naive.


Oh please yourself. You are being a jerk and jumping on my ass and I am tired of this BS on this board. That's not the case here. Op sent a simple text to let SIL she was thinking of her. God forbid. This board is always quick to jump on anyone for being too needy to want a better relationship with their in-laws, for expecting to be considered family (the nerve) or overstepping or relishing in SILs misery by attempting to communicate concern to a SIL who might need a pick me up during a tough time. Sorry OP this is what you will get from this board even with nice intentions. Don't seek actual advice here. They just love to tear people down instead.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 11:37     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She might not know exactly what you’re getting at? If you’re not otherwise close, she might think you’re fishing.

In general, it sounds nice and thoughtful, but having accidentally bumped a hornet’s nest with my SIL, I now know my intentions don’t mean squat compared with how actions/words are interpreted.


This is an incredibly sad way to treat people who are just trying to be nice. My SIL does this so I just dropped the rope and stopped even trying.


Oh please, it is all dependent on the relationship. There are people who love to discuss the tragedies of people they don't like even their inlaws and families. Don't be naive.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 11:32     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:She might not know exactly what you’re getting at? If you’re not otherwise close, she might think you’re fishing.

In general, it sounds nice and thoughtful, but having accidentally bumped a hornet’s nest with my SIL, I now know my intentions don’t mean squat compared with how actions/words are interpreted.


This is an incredibly sad way to treat people who are just trying to be nice. My SIL does this so I just dropped the rope and stopped even trying.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 11:16     Subject: Re:Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it's never wrong to tell someone you're thinking of them.



Uh no. I assume OP is a good person and has the best of intentions. My MIL and SIL love to do this sort of thing as part of Schadenfreude. We keep our distance, but they have set off a lot of family fires with others because it is clear they don't really feel bad, they just want the person to know they know. My mother during her darker period was like this.


I have no idea what this even means and seems oddly premeditated and a bit...weird to assume this is someone's intentions. Unless they have a history of being a psychopath. If I were having a rough time, I'd appreciate the thought. I had a scary doctor's appt last month and my MIL reached out to ask how it went. I didn't tell her directly but assumed DH did. I did not assume she was fishing for info or "letting me know" that she knew. WTF?
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 11:13     Subject: Re:Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:I think it's never wrong to tell someone you're thinking of them.



Uh no. I assume OP is a good person and has the best of intentions. My MIL and SIL love to do this sort of thing as part of Schadenfreude. We keep our distance, but they have set off a lot of family fires with others because it is clear they don't really feel bad, they just want the person to know they know. My mother during her darker period was like this.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 11:06     Subject: Re:Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
I think it's never wrong to tell someone you're thinking of them.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 10:37     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
If you are close and have a real relationship it is totally appropriate. If you aren't close, keep things superficial or have a bad history together, it was not appropriate.
Anonymous
Post 01/06/2023 10:31     Subject: Was it wrong to reach out to SIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So sorry sounds a bit more like sympathy / condolences than an empathetic response to hearing their child is unwell.

I would have said something like...I heard Son's name isn't well. Can we send you / drop off a few meals this weekend? Maybe Friday about 5:00 if that works for you? Thinking of meals is always something I find hard when I have a lot on my plate. If that would be helpful, let us know - or anything else we can do as well.

I don't think your text was overstepping but you didn't offer anything or ask a question so it puts it on her to think of what she needs to say back and she needs to put her energies elsewhere. Saying a thank you and being appreciative that you feel sorry for her feels weird.


They live nowhere near us so I just wanted to reach out and I thought it would be weird to offer to "do" anything from four hours away otherwise yeah I would have done that. I didn't want to ask a question and seem prying. I just wanted to show support. Oy


Why is is weird to offer to do anything from four hours away? People do things all the time for family who live at a distance. You can order just about anything online. And I didn't mean ask her prying questions about her son's illness. Just a question - as in above - would 5:00 work - gives her something to respond to.

I think your intention was to be supportive but to me a text saying you feel sorry for her isnt all that supportive when you have an ill child. it isnt an easy text to respond to. You have reached out, she knows I am sure you meant well and are thinking of her. There really isnt anything for her to say in response.