Anonymous wrote:I get that it bothers you, but it doesn’t seem to bother your DH that much and he’s handling the work. Your complaint seems to be that you have to entertain/be on all evening. I think you should be able to say you had a long day and excuse yourself from playing hostess after dinner and go to another room to chill. That seems more like a compromise than saying no outright. Sending them to a restaurant with DH like another poster suggested also sounds like a good idea.

They’re his parents, and if he’s doing the work, I don’t think once a month is a big ask.

This. If it's no more than once a month or so, and DH truly does fix dinner, and they do NOT comment or raise an eyebrow if you say nicely, "It was my first day back at work and I'm pretty beat, so please excuse me but I'm going to check on the kids and start getting ready for tomorrow" or whatever -- I'd let it go. LIke a PP says, some people would love any positive attention from in-laws....

But I would also have a calm talk with DH (not when you're peeved, like tonight) and just reiterate that you'd like more than a few hours' notice and you'd like to feel you can bow out after dinner and a few mintues' talking. "I'd like to feel that since I'm home and it's a weeknight, I can say 'It's been lovely but I need to get ready for work so I'll say goodnight now,' and it'll be fine with everyone."

You AND DH should be able to say "Tonight's not good, it's a school night and work night, see you next time" by the way. Does DH say yes every single time?

Does your DH expect you to stay and socialize?
Do your in-laws interpret coming over to dinner as also "we get to see the kids and expect them to stick around with us, we also expect DIL to stay around and chat until we leave"? Or do they just settle in like, well, family, and if you bow out, they'd be fine and smile and say goodnight, while DH can stay and chat if he wants?
Would DH be angry or snarky if you bow out?
Lots of details that matter. In our family I'd bow out in a heartbeat, and everone including DH would be fine (in fact he'd encourage it if I were tired).

I don't think I would mind if he cooks. Plus they have to pick up something you bought. And it's only once a month. If roles were reversed, I would think my husband would be silly to be upset if my parents came once a month and I cooked for them. You don't have to entertain them all evening. I would eat and chat a bit, then go back to whatever I need to do while my husband keeps them company a bit longer.

I wouldn't care as long as I didn't have to cook.

Why did you buy your SIL the item? Did you know that would lead to your in-laws coming by for dinner?

Anonymous wrote:OP here: they don’t ask me, they ask my spouse. I don’t get a chance to tell them no

So you need to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE. Jesus, this all could be solved with some communication

I'd just start saying "Sorry, that doesn't work for us " every other time or every two times. Eventually they'll get the hint that we're busy and can't always accommodate them.

Also OP: it actually worked out fine. They came for an hour. Spouse said we couldn’t do dinner. I stayed in my office.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: they don’t ask me, they ask my spouse. I don’t get a chance to tell them no

So you sit down with him and you tell him you’re burned out, and he cannot say yes without discussing with you first. You’ve let it go on so long that this may be a point of contention now, but it’s the only way forward.

If he doesn’t agree to check with you first, you start doing your own thing when they visit. To the point where you say, “Great, I’ll treat myself to sushi tonight, and then I’ll run to Target. I’ll be home in time for the kids going to bed.”

Grow up and open your mouth, OP.

You might be uptight but not for this reason. The fact that DH cooks is irrelevant. Hosting people (especially in-laws) requires tidying up before and cleaning up after, etc. For my in-laws, any failure to tidy up, not have the right groceries on-hand, not serve the right food, reflects poorly only the DIL (me), not on their son. In fact, the fact alone that he cooked would be seen as a failure on DIL's part.

OP here: they don’t ask me, they ask my spouse. I don’t get a chance to tell them no

You open your mouth and say no when it doesn’t suit you, dimwit! If DH is there, OK, that doesn’t mean you have to be.

Just disappear while they are there. And ask your husband to say you are busy every third time or so.

It seems like there is a healthy compromise here.

Anonymous wrote:For the life of me I don't understand why spouse can't just tell their parents you need a day's notice.

+1 OP why is this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far away do they live and why are they in the area? I don't see why spouse can't ask parents to let you guys know in advance when they know they will be in the area

They live an hour away but come to DC frequently for work and social engagements. This time they’re picking up something we got for SIL’s baby from a buy nothing group. They think giving us a few hours notice is letting us know in advance.

Well it’s enough time for you to text back “N-O,” so there’s that. Use your words. “No.” Try it out: NO.

SO OPEN YOUR DOORMAT MOUTH AND TELL THEM NO. If they just show up, don’t let them in—tell them you’re too busy and recovering from a busy holiday, and next time, they should call or text first *and wait for a response.*

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you should be able to skip out.

Practice telling your DH that it's a lot for you and you're just gonna eat after they leave and head to your room "to work."

Or send them to a restaurant.

When family lives in town not every single person has to be present at every single gathering, especially impromptu weekday gatherings.

totally agree. my MIL lives 10 min away and likes to drop by without any notice. my DH will visit with her. Most times I don't bother to come out, stay in your bedroom and binge some TV or reading.