Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:00     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:I fully agree that OP should make her own coffee, should fend for herself, and should stop thinking of her son as someone who “helps” her DIL.

That said…can we not all act like we haven’t read many threads complaining about ILs/parents who make noise in the morning, or who mess up machinery like a coffee maker, or who overstep and act like they run the place?

All that being said, OP, you should not even be thinking of your DIL. You should be thinking of making the coffee yourself, or if you are “confused” about absolutely anything, you should be asking the son you raised for help or guidance, not bothering his wife.


This. There are so many threads where MILs "close" the kitchen. Or family members "get in trouble" for trying to make themselves a sandwich. It sounds like OP has a somewhat formal relationship with DIL and is trying to figure things out.

But, yes, the title of the post could have been "It's ok to make my own coffee, right?"
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:56     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been visiting my son, DIL and kids for a few days and am set to leave on Monday after lunch. I brought food with me and have tried to be as helpful as I can be. My son doesn’t drink coffee, so DIL sets it up every night before she goes to bed. This morning, the coffee wasn’t set up. I didn’t want to make noise and I’m the first one up. I waited and asked her about it when she came downstairs. She said, “It’s a standard drip, help yourself.” My son does a lot to help out and so do I, and I understand if she’s tired, but a of things lately have become her telling me to help myself or her just disappearing and apparently my son or I am supposed to make lunch or whatever, which is fine, I just want to know what people want me to do.

Should I leave early?


She told you what she wants you to do: to help yourself and make your own coffee. If this is confusing, ask your son what HE wants you to do.

Someone saying--to FAMILY--"help yourself" doesn't carry an implication of "get out." Unless you have other evidence that you are unwelcome, I would assume you are being treated like a member of the family, self-sufficient and independent.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:42     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Making coffee really doesn’t make much noise.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:39     Subject: Re:Does she want me to leave?
Dear lord, she forgot to set up the coffee one night. You could have just made it yourself (which she might have appreciated, coming down to fresh coffee already made), but instead you decided to act like a petulant toddler. I suspect you are right, she is tired of having you around, but that’s probably because you’re spending the better part of a week in their house expecting her to wait on you hand and foot. If you want that treatment, two nights is the max and then you leave.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:31     Subject: Re:Does she want me to leave?
How long have you been there already, OP?
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:28     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
She's in a fight with your son. She didn't want you staying untill Monday. Your son didn't do his job and tell you.

So now she's taken herself off hosting duty.


You should just take over any food prep and cleaning bfor yourself.


Shorter visit next time.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:28     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
God forbid she doesn't wait on you hand and foot.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:26     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:I fully agree that OP should make her own coffee, should fend for herself, and should stop thinking of her son as someone who “helps” her DIL.

That said…can we not all act like we haven’t read many threads complaining about ILs/parents who make noise in the morning, or who mess up machinery like a coffee maker, or who overstep and act like they run the place?

All that being said, OP, you should not even be thinking of your DIL. You should be thinking of making the coffee yourself, or if you are “confused” about absolutely anything, you should be asking the son you raised for help or guidance, not bothering his wife.


Bingo plus a million!
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:14     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
OP you’ve stayed too long. You brought food, another nope. Go home
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:14     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:FWIW, it's weird when you arrive at someone's home and bring your own food. It implies you don't trust or like the hosts food. If you're trying to save them money, just ask if you can give them some money for groceries, or take everyone out for dinner (or order in on your UberEats account).


I think people should discuss beforehand (to avoid an overcrowded fridge or to avoid someone bringing food the hosts don’t like), but I definitely like it when my mom brings banana bread and Chex mix or my ILs bring muffins, cookies and wine. Especially with breakfast—and especially when you are hosting multi-day visits that include holiday meals—I like the help.

And if my ILs expect gross stuff like mashed rutabaga and creamed onions on my holiday table, they know it’s Bring Your Own, because no way.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:10     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
FWIW, it's weird when you arrive at someone's home and bring your own food. It implies you don't trust or like the hosts food. If you're trying to save them money, just ask if you can give them some money for groceries, or take everyone out for dinner (or order in on your UberEats account).
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:06     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
I fully agree that OP should make her own coffee, should fend for herself, and should stop thinking of her son as someone who “helps” her DIL.

That said…can we not all act like we haven’t read many threads complaining about ILs/parents who make noise in the morning, or who mess up machinery like a coffee maker, or who overstep and act like they run the place?

All that being said, OP, you should not even be thinking of your DIL. You should be thinking of making the coffee yourself, or if you are “confused” about absolutely anything, you should be asking the son you raised for help or guidance, not bothering his wife.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 18:01     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
This can't be real. I was a recent guest in my sister's house. I got up first usually because I was jetlagged. There was no coffee. So. I. Made. Coffee. Huh, maybe I wasn't wanted there. What do you think this all means? Holy cow, wait, I always thought my sister and I were really close. How could I have been so wrong? She hates me, doesn't she. OMG my sister hates me. I can't believe this....
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 17:56     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.


OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.


What exactly “confused” you? You came into a kitchen and there was no coffee set up for you. There’s absolutely nothing confusing about it. This helpless “I must not be wanted here” bs is gross.


Unless you are older than 80 years old and living in an assisted living facility you should be able to make coffee on your own. Expecting your daughter in law to wait on you hand and foot is a good way to alienate her.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 17:54     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.


OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.


So set it up before you go to bed.