Be careful of anyone who makes you responsible for their emotions or actions.

You made me cry.

You made me yell.

You made me angry.

You made me throw this.

You made me leave or give you the silent treatment.

You made me feel the way I do.

You made me act the way I do.

Anyway who externalizes responsiblity for their own emotional responses and reactions and subsequent actions is unable to be a healthy partner as they see their emotional state and actions as intrinsically tied to their partner, were they are just a passive reactor without agency or personal control or responsibility.

The silent treatment is abusive. It is not ok, it is intended to make the target feel invisible, like they don’t exist, don’t matter, are not worthy of love and attention. And for what infraction? What infraction could possibly justify this response?

As others have said, empathy often end up in relationships like this because we feel the emotions of others so deeply that we make excuses for them. Oh, he’s only acting this way because he’s hurt and doesn’t know any better. Try flipping the script. He is acting this way even though you have told him how it makes you feel and HE DOESNT CARE that it hurts you. He wants to hurt you.

You could also be doing something that’s called compulsive repetition in psychology…. It’s the concept of people subconsciously seeking out relationships similar to dysfunctional relationships they’ve had previously in life (childhood, romantically, etc) because they think if they can just “fix” whatever the issue is, like a loved one withholding affection from them, or not being emotionally reliable, then they will overcome that trauma.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many threads like this. Why do these women stay? Why?

And I ask this because the men are so clearly lost causes. But they are allowed to continue behaving like monsters, without consequence.

U.S. Family courts put a parent’s rights above the health, safety and development of children and children’s rights. That’s why.

You think tethered 50/50 coparenting within 50 miles of each other for 18 years with a guy like this is the sublime solution for OP or the kids?

Actually, yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many threads like this. Why do these women stay? Why?

And I ask this because the men are so clearly lost causes. But they are allowed to continue behaving like monsters, without consequence.

U.S. Family courts put a parent’s rights above the health, safety and development of children and children’s rights. That’s why.

You think tethered 50/50 coparenting within 50 miles of each other for 18 years with a guy like this is the sublime solution for OP or the kids?

Anonymous wrote:So many threads like this. Why do these women stay? Why?

And I ask this because the men are so clearly lost causes. But they are allowed to continue behaving like monsters, without consequence.

So many threads like this. Why do these women stay? Why?

Some on these posts are profoundly sad. Do these spouses verbally attack their bosses or anyone in a position of authority (think pulled over for speeding)? If they can control their emotions with others, it means they are CHOOSING to lash out at you. Nobody deserves this. To the poster (OP?) who said, “There isn’t anything I can do”, you are wrong. Do something proactive: Ask for marriage counseling or go see an attorney to prepare yourself. You deserve a peaceful life. And, please don’t respond with how it will impact your children’s lives. They are being impacted now with his outbursts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”. My DH is like this and I posted about him before. A PP recommended I look into it and every word was true for my situation with him. He doesn’t hate you - he hates himself and every negative encounter makes him feel rejected and then he lashes out. It’s extreme insecurity.

A similar disorder is covert/vulnerable narcissism.

What’s pushing me to leave is knowing that my daughters will think it’s normal for a man to treat them like this one day. I can’t have that.

I don’t buy theories like this. That an abusive, narcissistic, likely mentally disordered grown man is lashing out constantly because of his great guilt or shame or awareness of his failures.
No. Long ago he (and possible a parent) convinced him that he can do not wrong and to lash out to anyone who dare question him or what he did or forgot to do. This maladaptive coping mechanism (anger outbursts) is deeply ingrained and misguided, but it is not from shame or hating himself. He hates you, who he can’t get to shut up and leave him alone. There may also be a huge dose of misogyny involved, especially if he calls you stupid, or contorts things you say and throws them back at you as lame, illogical insults. No matter, his goal is to get you to argue with him and then blame you for arguing, never is his goal to resolve a conflict.

This rings the truest for me. Thanks PP, screenshot that one.

-not OP but another woman that's been dealing with the same. Tonight I was taking 2 of our 3 kids to a NYE thing. Planned ahead of time (husband has no friends and nowhere to go) was going to put our baby to bed then head out with the older kids. He took a FaceTime from his mother, which always causes him to tantrum I guess because he knows I loathe her. Announced he was leaving so I had to take all the kids or not go. I said, "ok". Annoyed by my non-reaction, he upped the ante. Told me to give him back a necklace he bought me for Xmas. I said no (I need to sell it to pay for lawyer fees, but I didn't mention that) then he is screaming about taking my car (his doesn't even fit 3 kids, lol) and cutting me off the credit cards I'm on as a secondary user (which tanks my credit score). Honestly, just a regular Saturday around here. Been through this so many times. 7 years. Never again.

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”. My DH is like this and I posted about him before. A PP recommended I look into it and every word was true for my situation with him. He doesn’t hate you - he hates himself and every negative encounter makes him feel rejected and then he lashes out. It’s extreme insecurity.

A similar disorder is covert/vulnerable narcissism.

What’s pushing me to leave is knowing that my daughters will think it’s normal for a man to treat them like this one day. I can’t have that.

I don’t buy theories like this. That an abusive, narcissistic, likely mentally disordered grown man is lashing out constantly because of his great guilt or shame or awareness of his failures.
No. Long ago he (and possible a parent) convinced him that he can do not wrong and to lash out to anyone who dare question him or what he did or forgot to do. This maladaptive coping mechanism (anger outbursts) is deeply ingrained and misguided, but it is not from shame or hating himself. He hates you, who he can’t get to shut up and leave him alone. There may also be a huge dose of misogyny involved, especially if he calls you stupid, or contorts things you say and throws them back at you as lame, illogical insults. No matter, his goal is to get you to argue with him and then blame you for arguing, never is his goal to resolve a conflict.

Anonymous wrote:Almost like a toddler. If I do anything be even SLIGHTLY doesn’t like, or dare to express any upset or I’m down he throws a tantrum. Sometimes in front of me and the kids, and sometimes just in front of the kids like today when I had to leave to go to the store and he was giving me the silent treatment again so I didn’t kiss him goodbye. Then when I got back my 13 year old told me he was slamming stuff and cursing after I left.

This has happened many many times and I have tried for about 15 years to change things and fix things and I just don’t know what to do anymore

Bet he rarely misbehaves like this if non-family members are around. Or tries to make you look bad or over-reacting. Yet you deal with it 10x a day to no improvement.

Anonymous wrote:Almost like a toddler. If I do anything be even SLIGHTLY doesn’t like, or dare to express any upset or I’m down he throws a tantrum. Sometimes in front of me and the kids, and sometimes just in front of the kids like today when I had to leave to go to the store and he was giving me the silent treatment again so I didn’t kiss him goodbye. Then when I got back my 13 year old told me he was slamming stuff and cursing after I left.

This has happened many many times and I have tried for about 15 years to change things and fix things and I just don’t know what to do anymore

My aspergers husband is like this. Even today when leaving the hotel I said, “you left your belt in the chair”. And he said “no I didn’t, I’m wearing it” as he wanted back in wearing his black belt, told me to shut up, had a temper tantrum and picked up his beige belt off the hotel chair.

I asked him to just say Thank you next time. But he can’t simple cannot handle comments, questions, orders nor ever take responsibility or provide a normal person verbal response. It’s all belligerence, gaslighting and/or blaming others, including his own kids. It’s psychotic.

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”. My DH is like this and I posted about him before. A PP recommended I look into it and every word was true for my situation with him. He doesn’t hate you - he hates himself and every negative encounter makes him feel rejected and then he lashes out. It’s extreme insecurity.

A similar disorder is covert/vulnerable narcissism.

What’s pushing me to leave is knowing that my daughters will think it’s normal for a man to treat them like this one day. I can’t have that.

Thank you I just read about both and so much fits it’s uncanny . I guess there isn’t anything I can do. He will never admit to it or do anything about it . He has only gotten worse and been more angry and meaner over the years because I’ve talked about it

Anonymous wrote:I would ask him how he's not embarrassed to be behaving this way. Where is his pride? Grow up, or get out.

I’ve pretty much said those exact words to him
And he doesn’t respond . Nothing changes for over a decade of talking to him. It’s like bashing your head against the wall.

I’m such an idiot for staying this long

I would ask him how he's not embarrassed to be behaving this way. Where is his pride? Grow up, or get out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are living in an abusive relationship. It will be hard deciding what to do with kids, but you need to first acknowledge that your relationship is abusive.

He says it’s not abusive it’s just me expecting too much or me being a jerk so he gets mad

Of course an abuser “says it’s not abusive.” Come on.