Anonymous wrote: Our lower level is packed with purchases made over the years, almost all of it unopened. I am overwhelmed with it. I don't know what to do. I am exhausted looking at all this stuff and I have anxiety over what the debt on it could be. Any advice?

What are the purchases? Are they clothes? Collectibles?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the documentary and article links! All feedback is much appreciated.

You are welcome! One thing I got from the documentary was the information that, for hoarders, they seem to have a connection to objects the same way they (and others) have connections to humans. Like, the same part of their brain lights up when they think about separating from their objects, as would light up when you think about separating from someone you love.

So asking them to get rid of their "treasures" is deeply offensive to them. It's like someone came and said you need to get rid of your child, or a pet.

And it can explain why it may be easier for hoarders to relinquish their hoard, when they have a sense that the objects will go somewhere they will be appreciated. So, they will be horrified and traumatized if you take their stacks of old newspapers to the dump. But if you can tell them you are taking them to an archivist who will carefully preserve them, and appreciate them for the treasures they are, they will be OK with that.

Your husband may not be that far gone yet, that he is hanging on to garbage and calling it "useful" but if his hoarding tendencies are left uncontrolled, that could be where he is headed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

You could start here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/dc/washington?category=hoarding

Thanks, I have been reviewing this site. We do have some benefits that would help cover. Spouse will blow me off but maybe it would help to go by myself.

The compulsive shopping is costing a ton too.

OMG this! You're worried about a few drops of rain when your boat is sinking! Just think about how much you could have saved if you didn't build a shed and then fill it with crap!

You need to go see a therapist by yourself so you can get your own sht together. Then come up with a plan for your future - one with and one without your spouse. This is a relationship issue - not finance.

OP here. Thank you for the documentary and article links! All feedback is much appreciated.

I can't tell you how angry I'd be about a spouse who didn't think paying for our children's college education was a good use of money, but DID think that ordering more nonsense stuff online, that was never unpacked and was just shoved into the basement, again and again and again, was a good use of money.

Article about treatment options for hoarding, which is a psychiatric disorder, that is treatable:

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/ce-corner-hoarding

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you financially dependent on your spouse? You say "they pay household expenses". What does that mean? Is your spouse paying mortgage, utilities, insurance? Is your spouse saving for retirement? Are you?

You say you help out with kids' college - are they your kids and your spouse's? Do you have your own income? Is your income going towards tuition and you guys are living off your spouse's income? Was that always the financial agreement between you and your spouse, or what was the plan?

How long has this state of affairs been going on?

Spouse pays mortgage, I handle pretty much everything else such as utilities, home repairs. I would have preferred a joint account for joint expenses but spouse never agreed so everything held separately always. Spouse and I both employed, both saving for retirement. Kids are ours. I have saved for college since they were born as I could, spouse never thought it was important. This has been going on for over 20 years but lately the compulsive shopping has been worse. In addition, the attic, garage and basement are full of the purchases so running out of places to put the hoard. I had a shed built to create more storage due to the hoarding.

OK, this is less a financial problem than it is a relationship and hoarding problem, although certainly finances figure into it greatly.

I watched an excellent and compassionate documentary about hoarding called Beyond Hoarding a few years ago. I recommend that you watch it. https://beyondhoardingmovie.com

Therapy is expensive, but there is no way your spouse will improve over time without it, and your spouse will cause more and more financial harm to you unless he/she is willing to change (which is extremely hard). You are going to have to separate, or threaten to leave, and see if that will provide the willingness to address these issues.

You and your children come first. You need to have a clean space where your can be safe and relax. Your spouse will fall apart when you move out, but you will definitely fall apart of you stay in that hoard. You need completely separate finances.

Anonymous wrote:Are the purchases of any value where you could sell some it to recoup some money? Is any of it returnable?

I doubt most of it is returnable at this point. I could probably resell and make money but spouse would never allow that. Spouse gets angry if you touch their stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

You could start here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/dc/washington?category=hoarding

Thanks, I have been reviewing this site. We do have some benefits that would help cover. Spouse will blow me off but maybe it would help to go by myself.

Actually you NEED to go alone first. There’s no way your spouse will go with you. Simply accept that and focus on getting yourself an appointment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

You could start here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/dc/washington?category=hoarding

Thanks, I have been reviewing this site. We do have some benefits that would help cover. Spouse will blow me off but maybe it would help to go by myself.

The compulsive shopping is costing a ton too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

You could start here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/dc/washington?category=hoarding

Thanks, I have been reviewing this site. We do have some benefits that would help cover. Spouse will blow me off but maybe it would help to go by myself.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

You could start here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/dc/washington?category=hoarding

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

Check your health insurance. Most plans cover it.

OP here. Thank you for the advice. I'm concerned that getting a therapist will cost a ton of money but I will look into it. If anybody has a recommendation in the DC area, lay it on me.

Speak with a financial advisor about the responsibilities and longterm effects for you and your joint household with regard to your spouse’s debt. Armed with that, you’ll need to be frank with the spouse that the spending is a great concern for your financial future given the joint nature of the household. If you really mean it, do not be afraid to throw out there that legally separating for financial reasons might be necessary if Spouse cannot provide a plan for responsibly eliminating debt.