Thank you all, so much, for the overwhelmingly kind, understanding and supportive posts. I really appreciate your words today. And to those of you who relate from painful experiences, I’m so sorry. I wish you all good things. -OP

This book was helpful to me in healing, the focus is on becoming your own loving parent. https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/dp/1944840141

ACoA has groups that meet to go through the workbook together on Zoom or in person, listed on their website as an additional option.

Hang in there, OP.

This resonates with me as well. I wouldn’t say my parents were all bad, but their parenting style sure stunk. They were irritable, rude, pushy, short-tempered, judgmental (oh so incredibly judgmental), gaslighting, at times neglectful and at times too invested (but it was always a surprise which one), etc etc. I was miserable growing up despite my many privileges. But, I do find myself having these same tendencies towards my own kids sometimes and I try to pivot, but it’s hard. I get it, it’s hard. I recognize I need to do better.

I get what you’re going through, OP. It’s not that I wish I could get away with being awful, it’s just that I learned all the wrong lessons and didn’t have good examples. It’s hard to tell sometimes if my reaction to a kid issue is maternal instinct/moral compass or the influence of dysfunction and bad parenting. Basically, I don’t know what normal looks like. It’s almost like moving to a new culture or learning and new language, being a parent who’s kind, is concerned about more than appearances, and doesn’t rule by fear and violence.

I met a woman whose son was an artist. She helped him pay for supplies when he had a great opportunity come along-materials are expensive and he wouldn’t have been able to be in the show if she hadn’t given him assistance (probably a few thousand dollars). I told her I thought it was wonderful that she was so supportive and he’s lucky to have her as a parent. She said this has always been his dream so she had to help him realize it however she could. She told me about how her mom had taken money out of her retirement savings to send her to nursing school decades ago so she could live her dream, so she knows how meaningful her gift was because her mom gave her a similar gift. We both got a little teary eyed while she shared her story. It was so sweet and beautiful. Afterward, I really cried when I was alone because I don’t know what that’s like. My parents “encouraged” me to follow the dream they had for me and crapped all over my dreams. I remember the bullying I got from my mom when I didn’t take the foreign language she preferred when I was in high school, especially telling me I’d be a failure because it showed what bad judgment I had, even if I excelled in those classes.

I try to be the mom I wish I had, but it’s hard when you had bad parents to know how to get there. It’s hard not to react the way I was trained to react sometimes, and it’s even harder not to overcompensate when I catch myself leaning toward my parents’ methods or when I’m triggered by how my parents reacted in similar situations when I was a child. Like if a kid refuses to wear shoes I know the answer isn’t to beat them, nor to let them go barefoot in public. It’s tricky to figure out what a “normal” person would do and to do it consistently. (The shoe thing is a hypothetical-I don’t need advice for how to get kids to wear shoes.)

I think it gets easier with time. The more you parent and see that you’re doing well, the more confidence you’ll build. I also learned a lot from friends, seeing how they talked to their kids and handled different situations without yelling or being violent. Being around healthy people reinforced healthy behaviors in myself. Therapy helped too because I had to mourn for my childhood being so crappy, but I also found myself being triggered frequently by having to relive these traumatic events I experienced as a child from a different perspective and see how different things could’ve been. It’s tough but it can get better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never hit my kids. I don’t yell at my kids very often. I don’t drink and drive. I don’t drink too much. I don’t lie or gaslight. When I make a mistake with my kids, I sincerely apologize, and I do my best not to make that same mistake again. I don’t parenting them, I don’t pit them against each other.

I’m not perfect. At all. It’s just hard sometimes, because it feels like I never had a parent holding themselves in check for me; my parents never apologized to me. They did all of the above to me.

It just feels like, it’s hard to always hold myself back from bad parenting behavior, because no one ever held back on me when I was just a kid. It’s hard. Any advice?

Raising kids is extremely hard no matter your relationship with your own parents. You can’t blame your parents for your own shortcomings. That train has left the station years ago. Grow up.

Oh, we found the parent who never apologizes to her kids…or maybe you hit them, or drink too much. Whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself from the OP’s post, there’s still time to change it. Good luck.

That is the poster who comes into any thread involving family dysfunction and derails it by minimizing others' pain, telling them to grow up, forgive, "they were probably abused, too", "you had it better than them", "move on", etc.. Stay tuned for more whack-a-doo thread derailment...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never hit my kids. I don’t yell at my kids very often. I don’t drink and drive. I don’t drink too much. I don’t lie or gaslight. When I make a mistake with my kids, I sincerely apologize, and I do my best not to make that same mistake again. I don’t parenting them, I don’t pit them against each other.

I’m not perfect. At all. It’s just hard sometimes, because it feels like I never had a parent holding themselves in check for me; my parents never apologized to me. They did all of the above to me.

It just feels like, it’s hard to always hold myself back from bad parenting behavior, because no one ever held back on me when I was just a kid. It’s hard. Any advice?

Raising kids is extremely hard no matter your relationship with your own parents. You can’t blame your parents for your own shortcomings. That train has left the station years ago. Grow up.

Oh, we found the parent who never apologizes to her kids…or maybe you hit them, or drink too much. Whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself from the OP’s post, there’s still time to change it. Good luck.

I totally feel you right now OP. I had one absent/neglectful parent and one who (I only figured out years later) has borderline personality disorder. I moved out at 17 and have lived across the country since then. Now I have had to assume the care for the borderline parent (the other parent is alive and well, but divorce...) and its brought up a ton of feelings for me. Definitely some resentment (mostly: my parent never was a good, present, caring parent to me and certainly never took care of their parents either and never worked while doing either, much less both and now they continue to demand attention, their anxiety is out of control, etc). But the other thing is that its shed light on my own childhood, which Ive repressed. There is some grief there, and some sadness. But I also think that I am a much, much better parent than my parents were. Not perfect--no one is--but I am conscious of trying to be present, loving, not overly controlling and invasive, and most of all I do not make my children responsible for my feelings. It is hard, sometimes, to break these patterns. I am not the best parent I could be--I work too much, sometimes I yell, I am not the PTA mom--but I think/hope my kids know they can count on me and hopefully feel like i am a source of support for them, rather than an emotional vampire. Most of all, I try to demonstrate and express unconditional love--that no matter what they do or who they are or turn out to be or what mistakes they make, my love for them is unconditional. They do not have to be anything other than who they are.

Good enough parenting is just that--good enough. I mean, you and I both turned out probably okay, despite bad parents. You're doing much, mucb better than that.

You are doing amazing work to heal the trauma and pain that was inflicted on you. Think of the generations of your progeny who might live a better life because you stopped the cycle of abuse. You should give yourself a million kudos. Bless you.