Anonymous wrote:Someone always had a meltdown in my family around Christmas for one reaspn or another, and now as an adult and a mom I sometimes do too, especially if I'm hosting or having a stressful time at work. It's just a time of high expectations and emotions for some people. Maybe my whole family is dysfunctional, but at this point rather than ruining Christmas I view it as a bump in the road where someone's "having big emotions," like we'd say for a toddler. Your mom is having big emotions. Validate kindly and move on.

I think this is generally good advice, but the problem is she’s also lashing out and hurting people. That needs to be shut down— however kindly— before she does long term damage to a relationship that is important or (worst case) you find out ten years from now that your kids really hated how you never protected them from Grandmas big feelings.

My mom was like this, up until she was physically unable to do it. Then she finally dropped the rope. It’s really not possible to reason with a person like this. Sorry I don’t have any advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little more detail would help. Is your mom hosting multiple guests + cooking the Christmas meal?

OP: only hosting immediate family plus a few extended family for a day or two after Christmas but before nye.

There is a Christmas meal but the plan has grown and changed a lot in just the last few days I’ve been here. Several people originally volunteered to cook certain dishes, but those “don’t count” according to mom and she’ll make similar dishes herself in addition. Think someone already said they’ll make Brussels sprouts, but mom is still going to make broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans herself.

I'd disengage. When she accuses you of not doing enough just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and find something else to do. I used to let my MIL tie me into knots before the holidays. I was always anxious because she was always upset. I spent a few holiday seasons trying to get ahead of why she'd be upset. But surprise! It changed every year. One year we arrived at her house, with our 5 month old, in tow, a little bit frazzled because the baby would scream in the car, and before I could even take off my coat she just snaps "YOU'RE LATE!". Which, we were not. We were the first ones to arrive? After that, I just dropped the rope because there was no pleasing her. I came up with a few gentle pushbacks to her digs and I just started to avoid her in general at any gathering. I don't offer to help in the kitchen the day of (I will bring something prepared if I have to) and I make sure my DH is clear on timing of when we will arrive and when we will leave. I don't talk to her unless she directly asks me a question, which she often doesn't because she's too busy yelling at someone who is dumb enough to actually volunteer to help. She was icy for the first few years I disengaged, but now she's used to it. And if she cares, I certainly don't notice. I make sure my kids are having fun, and I talk to the relatives I do like, and then we leave.

My main goal as I get older is to NOT be like her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little more detail would help. Is your mom hosting multiple guests + cooking the Christmas meal?

OP: only hosting immediate family plus a few extended family for a day or two after Christmas but before nye.

There is a Christmas meal but the plan has grown and changed a lot in just the last few days I’ve been here. Several people originally volunteered to cook certain dishes, but those “don’t count” according to mom and she’ll make similar dishes herself in addition. Think someone already said they’ll make Brussels sprouts, but mom is still going to make broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans herself.

Can you write down a list of what was served so that next year you can menu plan with her? You can say that it’s fine if you want that many vegetable dishes but pick one you are going to cook yourself. We will order the other two from Whole Foods or whatever grocery store is nearby that is doing Christmas catering. This is assuming that you can’t have it at someone else’s house which would be the best option, assuming she doesn’t want to bring the food.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone always had a meltdown in my family around Christmas for one reaspn or another, and now as an adult and a mom I sometimes do too, especially if I'm hosting or having a stressful time at work. It's just a time of high expectations and emotions for some people. Maybe my whole family is dysfunctional, but at this point rather than ruining Christmas I view it as a bump in the road where someone's "having big emotions," like we'd say for a toddler. Your mom is having big emotions. Validate kindly and move on.

100% this

10000%. My DH is an absolute psychopath when it comes to all things Christmas… the decorating , the gifts, doing things exactly as he expects “ Christmas should be “. It’s so awful, I know it comes from a place of wanting to make it special for the kids but I basically hate Xmas because of him. I’m really about to ask his siblings if there was some trauma around xmas they experienced that I still don’t know about.

Anonymous wrote:Do you live with her? If not, let calls go to voicemail. Tell her you can help for 3 hours on a Saturday. Then ignore the rest.

So we don’t even find out about her extra plans and tasks until we arrive at the house and she starts to corner certain people in the kitchen to tell them off for not helping enough. It seems like it’s all very last minute for my mom in addition to being poorly communicated.

Anonymous wrote:A little more detail would help. Is your mom hosting multiple guests + cooking the Christmas meal?

OP: only hosting immediate family plus a few extended family for a day or two after Christmas but before nye.

There is a Christmas meal but the plan has grown and changed a lot in just the last few days I’ve been here. Several people originally volunteered to cook certain dishes, but those “don’t count” according to mom and she’ll make similar dishes herself in addition. Think someone already said they’ll make Brussels sprouts, but mom is still going to make broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans herself.

Anonymous wrote:Someone always had a meltdown in my family around Christmas for one reaspn or another, and now as an adult and a mom I sometimes do too, especially if I'm hosting or having a stressful time at work. It's just a time of high expectations and emotions for some people. Maybe my whole family is dysfunctional, but at this point rather than ruining Christmas I view it as a bump in the road where someone's "having big emotions," like we'd say for a toddler. Your mom is having big emotions. Validate kindly and move on.

100% this

Anonymous wrote:As a kid Christmas was magic. As an adult it is just stressful. I feel sad that I look forward to New Years when I can just take a deep a breath and go back to normal. But I try to make the magic for my kids as long as they're with me. I'm sure years from now I'll look back on these years fondly, but when you're in the thick of it all, it's hard.

My husband and I make a nice holiday for our family. We share the work together, and we’re more focused on everything being peaceful, loving, and great than making it “magic.” Kids pick up on energy and would rather have calm parents than overextended ones.

When I get sad about our small expat Christmas celebration, posts about the horrors of large family gatherings bring me back to reality.

Anonymous wrote:It’s too late now OP. Someone needs to talk to her just after Christmas about this pattern and now it actually makes Christmas worse, not better. Then identify ways the family can scale back or help.

But I think the idea that someone else hosts is the best idea.

Another thing: look at what “traditions” people take for granted. How much work are those traditions for your mother? Can everyone agree to drop them?

My MIL is like this. Having someone else host helps immensely. Also breaking my FIL of all his silly ideas of “must haves”. It turned out a lot of the pressure was from him, but she blamed it on everyone else.

I'm not sure telling her that she made Christmas worse is a good strategy. That will set her off again. A change is future celebrations is a good idea though.

A little more detail would help. Is your mom hosting multiple guests + cooking the Christmas meal?

My mom has house driven anxiety and we found that giving her a glass of wine or two helped a lot. She’s not a heavy drinker and it really just takes the edge of the anxiety. At one point she was yelling at someone and someone said “oh, mom, here’s your glass”. And she realized what we were doing. We were momentarily busted but it worked out okay. It really was life changing for us when we realized that a pre inner cocktail made everyone’s life so much easier.

Watch “Christmas Vacation” together. There’s a line in there, something like “ it’s Christmas, and we are all in misery…”. You will laugh.

As a kid Christmas was magic. As an adult it is just stressful. I feel sad that I look forward to New Years when I can just take a deep a breath and go back to normal. But I try to make the magic for my kids as long as they're with me. I'm sure years from now I'll look back on these years fondly, but when you're in the thick of it all, it's hard.