Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have angry outbursts and puts people down for no reason? Is she mean as hell or more of taking care of people and everything?
It was pretty standard for women to have to be in charge of all the planning, cooking, etc. my FIL literally did nothing and expects women”folk” to manage everything for him and women his age do. Manage it, plan it, and then he whines about it.
If she is not toxic she is paying a lot of people to do things so that is a good thing. You don’t describe any kind of raging narcissist behaviours, tbh.

She has had 1-2 angry outbursts in my presence but no more than that. My FIL has passed away but they did not have a traditional relationship where she was responsible for everything. Actually, he never complained about anything and was somewhat passive. I would never describe her as raging. More methodical and manipulative…

So he was passive and did nothing or little.I’m not sure how that is not a traditional marriage.

I was responding to an earlier thread that said that perhaps she was bossy because she had to take care of everything around the house. That wasn’t the case. My FIL was quiet, not demanding and did his fair share. She dominated him for sure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have angry outbursts and puts people down for no reason? Is she mean as hell or more of taking care of people and everything?
It was pretty standard for women to have to be in charge of all the planning, cooking, etc. my FIL literally did nothing and expects women”folk” to manage everything for him and women his age do. Manage it, plan it, and then he whines about it.
If she is not toxic she is paying a lot of people to do things so that is a good thing. You don’t describe any kind of raging narcissist behaviours, tbh.

She has had 1-2 angry outbursts in my presence but no more than that. My FIL has passed away but they did not have a traditional relationship where she was responsible for everything. Actually, he never complained about anything and was somewhat passive. I would never describe her as raging. More methodical and manipulative…

So he was passive and did nothing or little.I’m not sure how that is not a traditional marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Does she have angry outbursts and puts people down for no reason? Is she mean as hell or more of taking care of people and everything?
It was pretty standard for women to have to be in charge of all the planning, cooking, etc. my FIL literally did nothing and expects women”folk” to manage everything for him and women his age do. Manage it, plan it, and then he whines about it.
If she is not toxic she is paying a lot of people to do things so that is a good thing. You don’t describe any kind of raging narcissist behaviours, tbh.

She has had 1-2 angry outbursts in my presence but no more than that. My FIL has passed away but they did not have a traditional relationship where she was responsible for everything. Actually, he never complained about anything and was somewhat passive. I would never describe her as raging. More methodical and manipulative…

Does she have angry outbursts and puts people down for no reason? Is she mean as hell or more of taking care of people and everything?
It was pretty standard for women to have to be in charge of all the planning, cooking, etc. my FIL literally did nothing and expects women”folk” to manage everything for him and women his age do. Manage it, plan it, and then he whines about it.
If she is not toxic she is paying a lot of people to do things so that is a good thing. You don’t describe any kind of raging narcissist behaviours, tbh.

Ha this sounds like my mom. It’s just habit for her and she’s stubborn. She probably has ADD, and anxiety.

It really is pretty hard to tolerate but it’s how she is. I have a similar story of when I was living with my husband before we got married. She was busy playing matchmaker and setting me up on dates even though I told her I had no interest. My husband was bewildered.

I’ve had to limit contact with her and when I’m with her, try to keep her distracted. My brother has uncanny ability to tune her out. And then my mom comes to me complaining he isn’t listening and tries to tell me what to do.

She was next level bossy when I made the mistake of having her stay with me after I had a baby. She didn’t do things for me. She thought she was helping me by telling me what to do and what not to do and how to do it the entire time. You need to drink water! You need to stop going up and down the stairs! You need to stop holding the baby, you will ruin the baby! You need to call the doctor and ask if it’s ok to drink beef broth! And if I ignored her she would dial it up to compulsive levels and just end up losing her sh*t.

It was her way of “helping”. In her mind, that’s how she feels useful and contributes and loves me. But I feel you. It’s enough to drive anyone bonkers. You just have to laugh, because it’s so ludicrous.

Anonymous wrote:Her rigidity and failure to understand social niceties rings a bell for autism, but I'm married to someone with Asperger's, and know many Aspie people, and none of them are rude and dictatorial on a regular basis. So perhaps it's a combination of mental health disorders, OP, as well as general mean-ness.

Op here

She def has unmedicated ADD and depression, I know that based on observation and things my husband has shared

Her rigidity and failure to understand social niceties rings a bell for autism, but I'm married to someone with Asperger's, and know many Aspie people, and none of them are rude and dictatorial on a regular basis. So perhaps it's a combination of mental health disorders, OP, as well as general mean-ness.

Anonymous wrote:I have a relative like this, we had to inform them people in our house do what they want and don't have to take orders.

Can you just ignore her orders when she visits you?

Based on the answers here, I’m going to try that…at our house first. Should be interesting…

Anonymous wrote:Has she been like this her whole life?

I don’t know. I met her when she was 56.

But, based on stories my husband tells me, it seems like she had been like this for at least 35 yrs. His teenage years were awful with her.

Also, for example, before he and I met he dated someone seriously for 5 years. They mutually ended things and my MIL sent the ex-girlfriend a check saying he had made a mistake and suggested they get dinner. Not bossy but wtf? I didn’t know about this until after we were married and as soon as I found I saw it as major red flag

Has she been like this her whole life?

I have a relative like this, we had to inform them people in our house do what they want and don't have to take orders.

Can you just ignore her orders when she visits you?