Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:25
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.
Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.
That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?
Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.
Right, and taking care of toddlers in an unsafe environment with various fragile items and none of the comforts of home is way more difficult, so someone who isn't entitled wouldn't be expecting visits if they refuse to provide any assistance.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:23
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Interesting how you perceive to be taking care of your kids as being treated like a nanny.
Are you obtuse? Don't you see that when you're in a new location, OP would have to entertain her kids nonstop, pick up after them and have a lot more work? Whereas at home, kids entertain themselves and know what to play with/what not to play with and it isn't as much work on OP.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:22
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.
Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.
That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?
Because you’re the parents and your job is to take care of your own kids. The entitlement here is stunning.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:20
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.
But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.
I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.
Reading between the lines, they shop and cook for your family, sounds like three meals a day, and they get the house ready including washing and making those beds that need to be stripped later.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:20
Subject: Re:Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Not sure why so many are commenting about "elderly people" unless I missed something- Not OP but my ILs are in their 50s and can't be bothered.
Even if they were 65, if they aren't in decent enough shape to read a book with a kid I don't think they should be hosting multiple young kids.
Even if they were 65, if they aren't in decent enough shape to read a book with a kid I don't think they should be hosting multiple young kids.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:20
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.
Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.
That’s fine as long as grandparents don’t ask for a visit. Ever. I mean what are they thinking even dreaming of asking for a visit when they can’t host kids?
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:18
Subject: Re:Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:This is a generational problem. Your ILs don't believe that children need to be played with or entertained. They believe they need to be pampered and entertained since they are elders.
Unfortunately, these two expectations - that your children need to be played with and entertained, and your ILs need to be tended to and entertained, puts you and DH in a more difficult position. Something's gotta give. Hopefully you have married a spouse who can contribute, in this otherwise impossible scenario.
You’re right, it’s a generational problem. Young parents expecting elderly folks to provide babysitting for toddlers is a generational misunderstanding.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:18
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
OP here.
This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.
But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.
I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.
This actually isn’t as strictly gendered as some suggest, and FYI my MIL is super successful in her field and made about ten times more money than FIL, who did most of the childcare when DH was a kid and continues to be the main person who grocery shops and cleans.
But I think EVERYONE should contribute and be helpful. I’m the same way when we have guests with kids, and honestly it’s fun to occupy kids you don’t see often. But if they don’t want to interact much with our kids, at least they could do other host things to help us out.
I will NEVER be like them when my kids are grown and come visit. It’s no wonder we don’t visit ILs very often.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:17
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Young parents have this notion that everybody owes them the world, especially grandparents, simply because they provided grandchildren. We might have been that way, but we quickly got over it. Now we role her eyes at SIL who still has this notion. Elderly people can’t provide hotel accommodations plus free babysitting.
Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.
Washing the dishes (20 mins to load the dishwasher and scrub a few pans?) and stripping the bed (5 mins?) aren’t unreasonable, especially if OP and DH share the jobs.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:15
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
I'd visit less. This is why we visit less. It's just a hard season of life. I'm barely hanging on by a string, I don't need to go to a small house and try to recreate our current set up there, drag clothes, pack n plays and such and hope the kids are able to sleep well. It's HARD. I agree that ILs should help. When you invite kids, you expect to be able to help because you know it's very, very difficult on parents to travel.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:15
Subject: Re:Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
This is a generational problem. Your ILs don't believe that children need to be played with or entertained. They believe they need to be pampered and entertained since they are elders.
Unfortunately, these two expectations - that your children need to be played with and entertained, and your ILs need to be tended to and entertained, puts you and DH in a more difficult position. Something's gotta give. Hopefully you have married a spouse who can contribute, in this otherwise impossible scenario.
Unfortunately, these two expectations - that your children need to be played with and entertained, and your ILs need to be tended to and entertained, puts you and DH in a more difficult position. Something's gotta give. Hopefully you have married a spouse who can contribute, in this otherwise impossible scenario.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:15
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband that if he doesn't help with the chores and kid care, you won't visit his parents. And while there, tell your husband, in front of his parents: "Hey, the beds need stripping", and go and sit down. Pick up the paper. Discuss politics. I'm sure they'll all be deeply offended and it will be a riot. Because of course what they really want is to get together as their old-time family unit, while the acquired wife and kids exist as a pleasing, Norman Rockwell backdrop.
Not OP but sadly this is exactly what my ILs want. My DH does not recognize it at all and we've had several major fights about various issues that all boil down to this. At this point I'm just resigned to visits being miserable for me because I'm so tired of fighting.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:14
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem. Helping with dishes and stripping the bed aren't big asks. Your problem is that your spouse is fine letting you do all kid wrangling.
Agree with this. Your H is not carrying his weight.
FWIW, my ILs are like yours. On top of it all, their house is full of glass trinkets within easy reach. It's very stressful. I do not help with household chores b/c I'm exhausted from watching and entertaining the kids non stop.
Glass trinkets everywhere and refusing to put them up/away is serious issue. I'm with you PP.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:14
Subject: Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Interesting how you perceive to be taking care of your kids as being treated like a nanny.
Anonymous
12/19/2022 13:14
Subject: Re:Annoyed that ILs are unhelpful to us when we visit them, but expect us to do a ton as “good guests”
Anonymous wrote:Hey Hubby - Here are the kids - I'm going out for a run/walk/exercise. See you in about an hour.
+1. When FIL or MIL sit down on the sofa, sit down with them and start to have a conversation. "Um, DH you need to check on Larlo over there with your mom's delicate knick knacks. I haven't had a chance to sit down and talk with your parents."