Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

Wow. Imagine still stewing about “the child rearing” at 80, when it was multiple decades ago. Your mom sucks, OP. Sorry for your dad.

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

Op I would try to get an evaluation done on your dad by having the sibling closest to him suggest a full medical work up. This would give all concrete information on how best to plan for his care. I round suggest a CCRC for him if they have the money as his needs would be met there fairly well in meals and maybe an outside person once a week for laundry snd some simple frozen meal prep. A medical evaluation would also see if dad needs a different POA and Health Care Directive than your mother.

Your mother sounds like she could handle her own affairs fairly well, but again getting someone to figure our what their finances are will help you all know if she is fully aware or likely to blow her half in a couple of years . If she sees plans are being made for dad’s care she may settle down and decide to go with him as places can be 2-bedroom/bath units so almost like living separately, but still together as she wants. She could also easily find other women to travel with or do similar interests. Folks grow apart on old age two, but you just want both protected. And you do not necessarily look death in the face at 81/82.

Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure your dad’s cognitive challenges are minor? Could you provide some respite and assess how he is really doing?

This. He may be worse than you realize. It is incredibly stressful to live with someone experiencing dementia. The constant vigilance, the worry, the repetitive questions, the difficulty of conversation and of doing anything at all. It's really really hard.

I would look into a day program for him, or having him move. Take your mom's needs seriously. Go visit for a longer visit, so that they forget their best behavior and you see how it really is.

Are you sure your dad’s cognitive challenges are minor? Could you provide some respite and assess how he is really doing?

My grandparents did this..but they were younger (like in their 70s)…fortunately for my grandmother the divorce wasn’t finalized by the time my grandfather died after a very long separation…so the other woman got nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

Why force her to do that?

They could bOTH meet someone else despite their age and be happy. I know a woman who married at 85 and although her DH died 5 years later, they were very happy.

Or you know, she could just have the happiness of not having to be tied to him and he could have the dignity of not being tethered to an unwilling partner.

Ugh. I’m sorry, op. This sounds so hard.

It would probably be easier to figure out a way for your mom to get space from your dad but keep them married.

My mom kept threatening to divorce my dad but they both had dementia at that point. She thought the female caregivers were hitting on him and that dad enjoyed it. They were doing things like taking him to the bathroom. I feel quite confident they did not want to have sex with him.

Now they are both too far gone for the idea of divorce to be an issue. But it used to upset my dad when she said it and he would apologize etc. I think she maybe just liked saying it so he would have to say he loved her and wanted to be with her etc.

OP, in your situation you may want to push to be included in the details of the divorce. You and siblings. If she allows. If her lawyer gets her a real sweet deal, the expense of taking care of Dad could fall entirely to you.

On the other hand, if they didn't have a lot of money, your Mom might be doing something smart in dividing assets. When his half are spent down, he qualifies for Medicaid and her standard of living is not affect. But you said they have lots of money.

Try to get looped-in on knowing what they have, if she allows.

My mom asked my dad to take over cooking 2 - 3 days a week when he retired. He refused. He still does way less than her 20 years later

She should fix just for herself

Anonymous wrote:If they have plenty of money I see no reason why your mom shouldn't do what she wants even if that includes divorce. I guess if I were you and was worried about my devastated dad I would focus on helping him deal with it. Maybe he needs to reflect on what he's done to annoy her so much.

He may not have done anything. She may just not be able to cope with change and negotiate a new normal. I would encourage couple's counseling with someone older generation savvy before I'd do this. My mother was miserable with my dad the entire time he was retired and then fell apart when he passed away and missed him terribly. She was still miserable when he was gone. The issue was her untreated mental health issues. He was not perfect, I know, but she was doing a lot of blaming him feelings she could not cope with and never having to deal with him again did not solve her problems.Meds did.

My mom repeatedly threatened to divorce my dad as he declined. She hated having him at home and never wanted him to retire. She had buckets of money to throw at the situation, but refused to have caregivers in the house, refused a day program and refused to put him in memory care. It was hellish. Finally she agreed to hired help, but she was losing it at him and me and everyone and wouldn't get psychiatric help. The more he declined the more she tantrumed, but still refused to have him in residential, yet she was declaring she was going to get a divorce. When he passed she visited his grace every day and needed a new target for her disgust-that would be me.

I don't know about your mom, but my mother worked part time now and then and got to keep all that money for herself. They traveled plenty. She had a maid several times a week, went to the spa, are at nice restaurants for decades. She just did not want to deal when life was not easy and yet she could have made life easier by having him somewhere safe and visiting, but she refused. Now she is a wealthy widow and gets her feathers ruffled if people don't cater to her enough.

My parents retired pretty young, mom my from working part time at about 50, and my dad about 55. My mom asked my dad to take over cooking 2 - 3 days a week when he retired. He refused. He still does way less than her 20 years later. She resents him a lot but doesn’t find divorce to be acceptable for religious and cultural reasons. I think it’s shitty for her - he got to retire, but she didn’t really. If it were me I’d at least consider divorce, but not in my 80’s. Your mom must be super pissed.

If they have plenty of money I see no reason why your mom shouldn't do what she wants even if that includes divorce. I guess if I were you and was worried about my devastated dad I would focus on helping him deal with it. Maybe he needs to reflect on what he's done to annoy her so much.