Anonymous wrote:It's totally understandable. Agree with advice to talk to a therapist or a friend. And no need for you to help plan the party. Maybe you can attend for a bit and have drinks with a friend or something else comforting planned for right after. It is totally natural for this to be hard!!!!

+1. Personally I wouldn’t talk to my husband about this particular thought (“why is she alive and not my mom”). Totally fine to discuss your grief with him, of course, and what steps he could take to help you through this process, but the rest I would address with a friend or therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

No, MIL is *not* going to serve in a motherly role going forward for OP. OP has a mother, she has unfortunately passed away. What an odd thing to say.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

You’re the person who said that OP’s mother would want her to attend. You need to be quiet because nothing you’re saying is appropriate. Stop telling people what they will feel.

NP means new poster, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

People say the dumbest shit sometimes. OP, ignore this.

+1

JFC the woman lost her mother. STFU.

People who try to tell people who have lost immediate family members stupid sh*t like that are so dense.

Agree to disagree, but for many of us, being around family during a time of grief was exactly the right step for us to take.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

You’re the person who said that OP’s mother would want her to attend. You need to be quiet because nothing you’re saying is appropriate. Stop telling people what they will feel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

And why wouldn’t it be on the MIL to recognize that her DIL just lost her own mother and that it would be kind and reasonable to not expect her DIL to attend a party in her honor? That’s saying a lot about the MIL that DIL not attending a party would “jeopardize” their relationship. Or are you someone who just believes that all MILs are selfish jerks incapable of compassion?

Anonymous wrote:Wait, DH is expecting you to plan? Why?

In that case, tell him that this process has been painful so far and that you will attend the party, but you will not be planning it.

+1

It's totally understandable. Agree with advice to talk to a therapist or a friend. And no need for you to help plan the party. Maybe you can attend for a bit and have drinks with a friend or something else comforting planned for right after. It is totally natural for this to be hard!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

DP, but the amount of drama it is going to cause if OP does not attend her own MIL’s birthday party is not worth it. But I agree it’s callous to expect OP to plan. I am very sorry for your loss, OP.

Depends on the person. I lost my own mom when I was young, and I have a great deal of respect for the grief process. I would totally understand if someone wasn’t up for such a party. Not everyone has that recognition of course, but there are certainly some out there who would understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

People say the dumbest shit sometimes. OP, ignore this.

+1

JFC the woman lost her mother. STFU.

People who try to tell people who have lost immediate family members stupid sh*t like that are so dense.

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

People say the dumbest shit sometimes. OP, ignore this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

DP, but the amount of drama it is going to cause if OP does not attend her own MIL’s birthday party is not worth it. But I agree it’s callous to expect OP to plan. I am very sorry for your loss, OP.

Anonymous wrote:So talk to your husband. Tell him to do all the planning while he is at work. Tell him it’s painful to hear about it. Plan a trip away that weekend for yourself and don’t attend.

I’m sorry your mom died. Peace to you.

+1 Just talk to your husband. Let him know you are still grieving and the party is bringing some of that to surface. I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all. This is all part of the grieving process. I hope your husband understands.