I"m sorry there are people blaming this on you.

But I do agree that your first bullet is good. The other bullets put too much pressure on your kids to work towards a fix.

I think the best thing you could do with your kids is al anon together. You're still a part of this, and helping your kids navigate their emotions and their roles could be very helpful.

What are the life goals of your kids? Are they on track to succeed in college, get a good job and be independent?

I actually feel sorry for what a rough hand your kids have got in life. They have no saviors. Not even you.

OP here. Thank you all for some very insightful posts.

My MIL is like this - she and my FIL divorced when my husband and I were 22. It’s really great that you care so much about helping your kids navigate this - my FIL has not, and it’s made it much harder on my husband and his sibling.

I think the only thing that can help is therapy for your kids, plus they need to talk to their mom less. My husband talks to his mom probably once every 2-3 months, with some light texting in between. We do limited, short visits and try to avoid after dinner evenings when she’s at her drunkest. My husband now has a great therapist that has helped him figure out how to stand up to his mom a little more with healthy boundaries (he never said no to her or would create elaborate lies because she explodes). It also just takes time. This year he was brave enough to tell her that we are spending Christmas Eve with my FIL. Because she’s so possessive of holidays and hates that her children still have a good relationship with my FIL, he hasn’t seen his dad on a major holiday since the divorce over 10 years ago.

I am a middle aged woman who is well educated and has plenty of life experience and I find it difficult dealing with my mentally ill, explosive and verbally abusive mother. Your kids cannot do anything to force change if your ex doesn't want to change. Sure it would be great if she got a new psychiatrist and therapist, but she has to want to. They can certainly make it clear her drinking is a problem and set boundaries. Then they need to learn to detach with love. Therapy can help them do that. If she refuses to change there is nothing they can do but protect themselves.

Anonymous wrote:"Part of the issue is my ex is extremely sensitive and everyone around her is walking on egg shells"

This is codependency. As the adult daughter of an alcoholic I have to say, she will not break if people are honest/tough love with her. Healthy boundaries need to be set. Often times we think deep down we'll be the cause of their drinking if we don't walk on egg shells, that simply isn't true. They need to get therapy, go to Al-Anon or something similar.

+1
-I agree that encouraging the kids to seek individual therapy/ Al-Anon is a good idea. But, OP, you seem to be suggesting that your kids should be involved in their mom's psychiatric care and that is not appropriate. The best thing you can do for your kids is to encourage them to have firm boundaries, they can still love their mom and be kind to her but they are not responsible for her.

I grew up in a tough family and I was very fortunate to have an aunt who laid it all out for me when I was an older teen. She was the high functioning one and had always dropped her own life to swoop in and save other people. She really pushed me to do things differently.

Thank you for calling it mental illness, which it is, rather than the non-triggering, comfy alternative, “mental health issues.”

(Is it because the person in question is older and not a Gen Z or millennial? They seem to only experience “mental health issues,” even if their clinical diagnosis is suicidal ideation with a plan.)