Anonymous
12/11/2022 13:43
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.
This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.
I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.
Wow how selfish they want to spend time with you! What were they thinking?
Asking working parents of small kids for extra time (on top of tons of time and efforts already made) is as rude and tone-deaf as asking poor people for money or extravagant gifts.
It’s a once a year gift. A family is going something wrong if they can’t make time for family, even if they have kids and work. I say this as a busy working mom.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 13:39
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to have their consent to stop with gifts. That’s an announcement, not a discussion: We are no longer interested in exchanging gifts.
As for this year, agree to ONE extra FaceTime for the ones who asked for it—on, like, Dec. 26, and agree to ONE dinner out with the ones who asked for that, on, like, January 8. Get it out of the way. Simply no to vacationing together. They get one “gift of time,” a one-time thing that lasts no more than an hour.
Jaysus. This is for family. Essentially begging for time with their loved ones. You begrudge them one hour????
Anonymous
12/11/2022 13:39
Subject: Re:Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Anonymous wrote:I actually think the only problem with their request is that most of them are ongoing commitments, which dies turn it into an obligation. A more specific and discrete gift of time seems more reasonable to me. Like “I’d like to take a trip together to visit this place we used to vacation at when you were kids.” Or “I’d like to do high tea at this fancy hotel with the grandkids.” Then the gift can be arranging and scheduling this specific experience, and once the experience is over, the gift has been “received”.
Asking for time on a weekly or monthly basis as a gift just seems like a passive aggressive way of complaining that your kids don’t spend enough time with you.
I agree with this. I have no problem with gifts of time and enjoy receiving them myself (e.g. a night of grandparent babysitting is way more valuable to me than a random sweater that I may never wear). But I think the "reasonable budget" expectation is in play here for time as well as money. It would be totally out of bounds to ask for a vacation as a financial gift in our family, and that also seems like an over the top time ask. I think a time gift should be a one-off commitment that doesn't require an additional large financial or PTO investment, like something you could do on a trip that's already planned or likely to happen.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 13:34
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
1333 here. In your shoes I might also be snarky and get them each a little potted thyme plant. 
Anonymous
12/11/2022 13:33
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Ignore those requests if that’s not your thing. Decide what you want to give them and just give it to them. Food gifts usually get consumed. Or you can decide on a theme gift every year, like this is the year of books and everyone gets a book. Next year could be the year of tea coffee and hot chocolate, and everyone gets a bundle of those in varying flavor combinations. Alternatively, you could get them experience tickets for them to use on their own, like movie tickets or gift card to restaurant or theater tickets.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 13:28
Subject: Re:Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
It’s weird that your parents, in laws and aunt all came up with this. Sometimes I really wonder if there is some boomer newsletter or Facebook group advises boomers on more ways to selfishly manipulate their adult kids.
Feel free to ignore. Get them whatever gifts. Robes, slippers, fruit of the month etc. If they whine that they didn’t get their demand f taking your family vacation time, remind them gift requests are not orders and next year there will be no gift giving with your family.
Feel free to ignore. Get them whatever gifts. Robes, slippers, fruit of the month etc. If they whine that they didn’t get their demand f taking your family vacation time, remind them gift requests are not orders and next year there will be no gift giving with your family.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 12:56
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
I release you from any obligation to honor their requests, OP.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 12:26
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:To preface this, I have asked to stop exchanging Christmas gifts among adults and no one agreed.
This year the older adults on both sides (parents and inlaws and one aunt) all said that the only thing they want for Christmas is a specific way of spending time with us. One asked for monthly video calls, one asked for dinners out together, one asked to vacation together. This sucks. First of all there is nothing to unwrap, when they are getting my family many things to unwrap, so that doesn't work. Second, these are people I already call weekly or see at least monthly, so it's kind of insulting for them to ask for this time as a gift, as if we ignore them. And third -- if we wanted to do these things we'd be doing them: the kids don't do well on video calls, we are not dining indoors yet, etc. It feels manipulative.
I am an adult with a good income to buy what I want for my family, but I still put together a small list of physical gifts when relatives ask what my family would like. Sometimes this means postponing a purchase it would be more convenient to make myself, but I do it so they can give a wrapped gift like they want to. I wish they'd be mature enough to do the same -- OR stop exchanging gifts.
Wow how selfish they want to spend time with you! What were they thinking?
Asking working parents of small kids for extra time (on top of tons of time and efforts already made) is as rude and tone-deaf as asking poor people for money or extravagant gifts.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 12:18
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
I think you are overthinking this OP.
It sounds like they all love buying gifts, so misinterpreted your call to not exchange gifts. They still want to buy the physical gifts for you, whether you do or not, but now know you don't, hence the request for non physical "gifts."
I keep trying to find ways to call off the gift exchange at this point, but none of it has worked OP.
It sounds like they all love buying gifts, so misinterpreted your call to not exchange gifts. They still want to buy the physical gifts for you, whether you do or not, but now know you don't, hence the request for non physical "gifts."
I keep trying to find ways to call off the gift exchange at this point, but none of it has worked OP.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 12:14
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Ugh this is all sounds so weird
Anonymous
12/11/2022 12:11
Subject: Re:Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
Please stop giving these grown-a$$ adults gifts. If they want to give your children gifts, that’s fine. But it’s fine to stop giving them anything whether it’s a book, pair of socks or a coupon for a dinner out at a restaurant.
It’s fine to announce this. They do not have to agree. “We’ve made a decision as a family to cut back and will not be exchanging gifts. We look forward to spending time together with everyone and enjoying your company.”
If they choose to give you gifts, that’s on them. Simply say “thank you” as you open it. Done.
It’s fine to announce this. They do not have to agree. “We’ve made a decision as a family to cut back and will not be exchanging gifts. We look forward to spending time together with everyone and enjoying your company.”
If they choose to give you gifts, that’s on them. Simply say “thank you” as you open it. Done.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 11:53
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
What this means is that you and your family are difficult to buy for and/or they are stretched for time. I have a difficult to buy for teenager and neither I nor my spouse want/need anything, except for a big house declutter. My parents are elderly and it’s not easy for them to get around, and malls aren’t what they used to be, anyway.
FFS get together with them. Everyone has shots. I’m as cautious as the next anal DMV resident, but we do meet with people now and go to a restaurant when it’s worth it.
FFS get together with them. Everyone has shots. I’m as cautious as the next anal DMV resident, but we do meet with people now and go to a restaurant when it’s worth it.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 11:10
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
OP I completely agree with you. I would probably go passive aggressive The older I get the more value I see in this approach.
Just say ok to the request and don't do it. Or even better say that your already scheduled interactions 'count'.
Also, I completely agree with the PP that said you don't need permission to stop giving xmas gifts to anyone. When my DD also the youngest grandchild in my extended family turned 18, I emailed everyone and said we are done giving xmas gifts. Some family members chose to send us a plant or a photobook and that was their choice which ofc is ok.
Just say ok to the request and don't do it. Or even better say that your already scheduled interactions 'count'.
Also, I completely agree with the PP that said you don't need permission to stop giving xmas gifts to anyone. When my DD also the youngest grandchild in my extended family turned 18, I emailed everyone and said we are done giving xmas gifts. Some family members chose to send us a plant or a photobook and that was their choice which ofc is ok.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 10:04
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
I also agree re not wanting gifts due to clutter. Why not exchange homemade food items, like jams, pickles, peanut brittle, spiced nuts, granola, etc? I have suggested to my inlaws they should give gifts like tickets to musicals, which my kids love, but one grandparent is hard of hearing and the other doesnt enjoy theater, so theyve never picked up on that. They’re wealthy and feel that what we’ll eventually inherit will pay for college, so they pay no mind to the 529 suggestion or the request one year that they pay for summer camp. Once they got my kids tiny pearl earrings, and that was lovely. I sm already getting rid of stuff to make room for more stuff.
Anonymous
12/11/2022 10:01
Subject: Please don't ask for "gifts of time"
If you aren't dining indoors "yet" what else aren't you doing? Why not do gift cards for restaurants you can all eat at or tickets to shows/events/museums? You can wrap the card or certificate. This sounds easy to accommodate.