When my dad died, a number of close friends drove over 4 hours to attend. I remember that as an act of love more than my wedding.
One friend got others together to send flowers. They were very specific and included small hints about my favorite things, like the color of the ribbon. I am sure my friend was ghosted by the florist after the weird, high-maintenance order.

There are multiple ways to be a friend.

If you let yourself off the hook for one, do something else instead. Taking the person who is mourning out to lunch a month later is an act of kindness.

Funerals can be traumatic for some people, not everyone can handle death.

Anonymous wrote:For a variety of reasons including spiritual beliefs, I no longer wish to attend family funerals. Anyone tackled this matter with family before? How did it go? I feel like my family is going to lose it.

Tell them, you won't ask them to come to yours. It's perfectly fine to not want to attend funerals, you can always visit the family later or send flowers or a letter.

Anonymous wrote:You can’t go to a family funeral if you don’t know the person died. I have a very very abusive mother. I would not be alive if I did not forgive her and cut her off. You are very fortunate if you can’t understand.

Not OP but I get this. A lot of people assume all families are functional and healthy. Some people not only don't expect you there, they don't want you there and they don't want BS sentiments. It's hard to see people turn out for an abusive person, let alone have them try to comfort you for your loss.

Plus, sometimes you lose a sibling or parent you loved dearly and you still don't want people coming up to you and trying to comfort. Everyone is different in their grief.

OP, lets say someone very close to you dies. And they were a good person. You could: drop everything and fly there immediately. Hug and love the people who are hurting. Just don't go to the funeral - that will be days later..

Don't discuss. Just act.

You can’t go to a family funeral if you don’t know the person died. I have a very very abusive mother. I would not be alive if I did not forgive her and cut her off. You are very fortunate if you can’t understand.

My thought is that you are not going to the funeral for the person that has passed. You are attending the funeral to support or for the person people that are still alive.

I attended my best friend’s mothers funeral because I love my friend. I attended the funeral for the sister of my brother’s wife because I love my SIL. Sometimes I attend funerals to see family. (Grandfather passed and extended family I hadn’t seen in years were flying in for the day).

Years ago The mother of my 10yo daughters friend passed away. They were catholic i am not, so wasn’t as comfortable attending the funeral/mass. I just went to the wake to support the father and meet the deceased parents (kids grandparents) to let him know in person that my family was there for their kid.

Funerals are for the living.

I go to the viewing/wake and give my condolences to the family.

I no longer attend funerals. I've never had to give a reason. I simply say, "i'm sorry I won't be able to join you at the funeral tomorrow" and leave it at that. No one has ever questioned why.

I also never view the person in the casket.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

It’s about the people in mourning. You don’t go to a funeral for the dead person. You go for yourself, for closer and/or the people who need support because someone they loved and were close with just died.

I didn’t say it was for the person who died, I said it was ABOUT the person who died AND their family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

It’s about the people in mourning. You don’t go to a funeral for the dead person. You go for yourself, for closer and/or the people who need support because someone they loved and were close with just died.

This. When my best friend's mom died, I showed up for my friend, even though I'd met her mom once. I was not elated to go. Sometimes, you just suck it up and do what you need to do.

I see no problem with going to the visitation, then don’t announce you’re not going to the funeral, just don’t be there. After the fact, if someone asks, you can say you were not up for it but that you offered your condolences to Aunt Nancy at the visitation and spent the day of the funeral in quiet reflection. If anyone has any problems with that, too bad. That’s their concern, not yours. You don’t have to carry the weight of their expectations.

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

It’s about the people in mourning. You don’t go to a funeral for the dead person. You go for yourself, for closer and/or the people who need support because someone they loved and were close with just died.

I'm not op. My husband's aunt's funeral was uncomfortable for religious reasons. They're southern Baptist. The preacher preached more than he talked about the deceased woman. At one point he asked everyone to close their eyes. Then he asked everyone who was a believer to raise their hands and then asked who would like to come up and be saved. It didn't seem like the appropriate time for preaching and saving.

When her husband passed away a couple years later, we couldn't attend the funeral thankfully. We did go to the military internment which was beautiful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is incredibly selfish. The funeral isn’t about you and your beliefs. It’s about the person who died and their family.

There is always going to be this person who abuses the word "selfish" as a way to manipulate. Ignore.

OP it would be helpful to understand more. f the person was abusive in some way I see no reason to attend. If there are scary family dynamics, but you loved the deceased you can honor him or her in another way. If you hate and dread the depressive aspect, then maybe just attend for the people who truly made a difference in your life and showed real love, but skip for the relatives who really had no positive impact.

Yeah because everyone who actually shows up says to themselves, yippee I can’t wait to go X’s funeral. No one wants to be there. If it’s not selfish then what is it?

The funerals I truly want to go to are because that person was such a gift to me that I want to honor him or her. It is no trouble because of what that person meant to me. I am fine with people deciding they don't want to go to a funeral because that person made no difference in their lives or worse was abusive. There is a reason that pre-pandemic, when truly giving people pass the room is often so packed that there is no room to sit and it's not because those people felt society says they must come. it should come from the heart, not just obligation.

No one can give meaningful advice on how to discuss it with your family without knowing what your reasons are.