Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 17:16     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
MIL is out of line. Your husband needs to help you shut this down.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 17:14     Subject: Re:MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
OP just ignore! If she becomes more aggressive in her rudeness tell her or have your husband tell her that she can choose not to visit at all. This concept of turns and feeling entitled to be pandered too by every member of the family every second of your turn is ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 17:11     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
You are an adult. If your mil is not in wheelchair who cannot be left alone, there is no reason for you to not meet your relatives in an appropriate manner. Just tell your MIL “ I am not asking anyone’s permission, I am just informing the family about my plans with my relatives.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:57     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.


OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.


So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?


OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.


To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.


OP here. After Christmas Eve church service and DH making their traditional Christmas Eve meal, then me making a beautiful holiday meal on Christmas Day and having them be part of the magic on Christmas morning, how much more “super special” is needed? DH also asks if there’s anything they want to do—see a movie, go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., and they never want to get out of the house much. Honestly asking: after a full traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how much more “special” really is there? What would you propose, specifically?
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:49     Subject: Re:MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Yes, it *IS* your turn for Christmas. That is why your son and your grandchildren are staying here to visit with you while you are here and not coming to see my side of the family. But there are relatives on my side that I only see once a year and this is it. Not everyone was able to make it to Easter this year.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:39     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.


OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.


So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?


OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.


To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:35     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.


OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.


So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?


OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:35     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Just say, “I’ll miss you too!” as you walk out the door.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:27     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.


OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.


So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:23     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
She can get over it. My ILs pulled something similar when I had the audacity to leave a multi-day holiday visit “early” to attend my cousin’s wedding. As MIL was grousing while I was getting out the door, I turned to look her directly in the eye and told her considering her son had suggested all of us attend the wedding and skip being with her at all for that holiday, and that I came up with this solution so they could still have their holiday turn without me missing the wedding, she should be thanking me instead of whining at me. That shut her up.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:18     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
I think you just explain and then do it. Empathize that you wish it wasn't at the same time but that's how it worked out.

Consider if she's the type of person to do better getting this news in advance, like before she even arrives, or better for her to find out right before you leave. Also consider if DH would want to plan something special for that time; it's possible he's like my DH and would disappear to the roof to fix the shutters or something leaving MIL alone.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:12     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.


OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:06     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:02     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
I think it’s weird that she would care especially if it’s just you leaving. I would think she might enjoy having her son to herself. I do think it’s fine to take the kids with you for a couple hours too though if they have cousins to see. Just leave your husband there with the parents. His presence should be sufficient for a couple hour.

To answer your question , I’d just smile, ignore, and do what you want.

Anonymous
Post 12/10/2022 16:00     Subject: MIL gets mad when I see my side of the family during visits
You’re fine, OP. Can you talk to her in a direct, adult way? Explain that you like to take the chance to see family you never get to see and say, “I’m sure you can understand.” Maybe you can do a thought experiment with her. Fast forward to when her grandkids are adults, and assume they live in the same town. Say she comes to spend Christmas with one of the grandkids, you and DH; the other grandkid has his in-laws visiting for Christmas. Would she think it was rude to those in-laws if her grandchild wanted to come and visit with her?