Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.

Are you OP? This was a real dick response to someone who was trying to be helpful. If this is how you respond to people IRL, I can see why you’re having trouble maintaining friendships.

Anonymous wrote:I am going to try to break this down into chunks for my response.

At first meeting on the divorce my friends were sympathetic but I noticed even on the first day and then subsequent weeks that there were some weird vibes and over the past year there have been more slights.

One thing to consider is that if you’ve been focused on leaving a bad marriage over the past year or so, you may have been leaning on your friends a lot more than you realized without reciprocating when they needed a friend. They may be feeling a bit worn out in the friendship after giving you support for so long without getting much in return.

One friend started telling me all about her problems I guess to mirror some of my trauma but when I tried to help her she scolded me and told me my texts were too long and she wasn’t interested in the help but then kept dumping her issues on me just I guess to have someone tell her that she had a right to be upset about her issues. She wanted validation from me so I gave her some but it’s starting to get annoying because they are small issues that I don’t really want to be involved in and whenever I do I get scolded somehow.

You need to stop competing with your friends for who has it the worst and being dismissive of what’s going with them. Even if your issues are/were objectively worse, that doesn’t mean hers aren’t real. If you cannot tolerate the expectation that the person you are leaning on will sometimes need to lean on you, then you need to find a therapist because inappropriate and unfair to expect your friends to serve that role for you.

Then another woman started referring to “her husband” immediately after the divorce disclosure despite me knowing him more than her and for over 2 decades and doing other things to make sure I knew their marriage was strong and to not interfere. Before the four of us were friends together and we have kids still who get together all the time so it’s awkward. She also tries to parent me a lot now telling me how things should be or are from her point of view and starting to talk derogatorily as if I’m a loser station than her now.

Like you said, it’s awkward. They were friends with both of you and may not feel like they are expected to choose between you. If her husband has stayed friends with your ex, it may be that much more awkward for her so she’s putting up a bit of a wall so she and her kids can stay friends with you and your kids without creating conflict. As for the last part, without examples it is hard to know whether she is actually acting that way, or if you are misperceiving the situation because you are feeling defensive about the divorce.

It feels very uneven. I’m trying to decide if this is a phase for these friendships and somehow I can turn these friendships back to what they were, if I’m overreacting to their slights and should just ride it out, or if these relationships have turned abusive and won’t right themselves. Right now I just want a break from them.

This goes back to my points above. Think about whether they’ll problem is really their behavior, or your expectation that the friendships will stay as one-sided as they likely were.

My mom is a widow and gets help from lots of people so maybe I’m just doing this wrong somehow and giving off weird vibes although if that were the case why an issue from the start? I don’t want to be used as a sympathy pillow or someone’s child or the potential whore down the street. Any tips on how to break this cycle with married friends?

Don’t compare your situation to your mom’s. Your mom is a widow, which means she did not have a say in the end of her marriage. Like it or not, that tends to elicit more sympathy and offers to help as compared to someone who made the decision that they would prefer to be single than to remain in their marriage. She also may interact differently with her friends, dating back before her husband died and since. People are more likely to help when they don’t feel taken for granted or disregarded.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Man this thread is exhausting.

At first meeting on the divorce my friends were sympathetic but I noticed even on the first day and then subsequent weeks that there were some weird vibes and over the past year there have been more slights.

One friend started telling me all about her problems I guess to mirror some of my trauma but when I tried to help her she scolded me and told me my texts were too long and she wasn’t interested in the help but then kept dumping her issues on me just I guess to have someone tell her that she had a right to be upset about her issues. She wanted validation from me so I gave her some but it’s starting to get annoying because they are small issues that I don’t really want to be involved in and whenever I do I get scolded somehow.

Then another woman started referring to “her husband” immediately after the divorce disclosure despite me knowing him more than her and for over 2 decades and doing other things to make sure I knew their marriage was strong and to not interfere. Before the four of us were friends together and we have kids still who get together all the time so it’s awkward. She also tries to parent me a lot now telling me how things should be or are from her point of view and starting to talk derogatorily as if I’m a loser station than her now.

It feels very uneven. I’m trying to decide if this is a phase for these friendships and somehow I can turn these friendships back to what they were, if I’m overreacting to their slights and should just ride it out, or if these relationships have turned abusive and won’t right themselves. Right now I just want a break from them.

My mom is a widow and gets help from lots of people so maybe I’m just doing this wrong somehow and giving off weird vibes although if that were the case why an issue from the start? I don’t want to be used as a sympathy pillow or someone’s child or the potential whore down the street. Any tips on how to break this cycle with married friends?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.